What I Really Need To Change: Accept Myself

The past couple of days have had me hyper-focused on my physical self-image and I really don’t like it.  Anyone that comes on and reads my blog, becomes readily aware that I have a horrible self-image.  I struggle with my sexuality, my marriage, my purpose in life, my health, my role as a man (and sometimes what I see as a more feminine side of myself), my finances, my relationship with a God (or Goddess, or some Higher Power, depression, and so on and so forth.  My blog has been one sloppy, feel-sorry for me mess of my outlook on life.  It has been horribly negative.
Another example of all of this thinking is evident by what I see here:
20170210_094105
 
My stats, today, show someone (or several) people reading my posts where my gender has been a point of contention with myself.  The first thing that came to my mind is that I somehow must hate being a male. But does that go along with the horrible self-image I have? I mean, can I really be anything but what I am?  What is it about myself that I can’t just accept me the way I am.  What is it about myself that I am afraid of the things that I must face in life?
Obviously, the self-questioning can be detrimental when it leads to this idea that I must change something about myself, because it creates this idea that I MUST be imperfect. There seems to be this theme in my mind that I need to find some sort of peace with myself, but I have connected it with this idea that I can’t be at peace as long as there is some perceived expectation that I need to be different than what I am. But I think there is something else I’m missing, and I’ve heard two different therapists allude to it before:
I don’t believe I am lovable.
I remember going to see a therapist once that kept telling me “…you are lovable.” And the most recent therapist I had, had me repeat to myself, “I am perfect, just the way I am.” And I never could accept that. It is such a difficult place to be, because I try and live up to so many other people’s expectations. I am so self-critical, and admonish myself when I disappoint another person. I don’t know how to live outside of other people’s expectations and I find myself accepting their opinions of me.
But, I have a dream, that someday I’ll be able to accept:
I’m loveable.
I’m a spazz.
I can question God, Religion and Spiritulaity.
Whatever relationship I choose to have with a Higher Power is okay.
I’m funny.
I’m beautiful.
I deserve good health.
Getting a pedicure is a perfect way to pamper myself.
Being stoic is noble.
Wearing panties is okay, if they make me feel pretty.
I can love a woman.
I can enjoy knowing that I’ve loved men.
I can lift weights because it makes me feel manly.
Having a bff is a perfect way to have a friendship.
Hanging out with the guys is great.
I don’t have to be smarter than everyone (Trust me, you people have NO IDEA how difficult it is for me to not try and be smarter than others…it’s such an obsession, it’s pathetically stupid).
My opinions matter.
I’m bisexual.
I don’t have to disclose my sexuality, if I don’t want to.
I can achieve the goals I set out for myself.
I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do.
Some people won’t like me or approve of me, and I don’t have to care.
I am perfect, just as I am.
(As a side note, getting back to my Beautiful You Journal would be a good idea.)
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27 thoughts on “What I Really Need To Change: Accept Myself”

  1. LOVE this post, tarnished. Yesterday on my blog I posted a bunch of quotes and one of them was:
    “To whom do I owe the biggest apology? No one’s been crueler, than I’ve been to me” – Alanis Morissette
    We can be so cruel to ourselves. We talk to ourselves in ways that we would never tolerate from others. We tear ourselves down, criticize ourselves and don’t show ourselves the love that we truly deserve.
    Print out that beautiful list that you just wrote and tape it on your bathroom mirror. Read those words out to yourself every night before you go to bed and every morning when you wake up. (Ok, haha, I’m great at giving advice that I don’t take myself!) Seriously though – even if you look yourself in the eyes every morning and tell yourself “You are beautiful, you are funny, you are perfect just the way you are”. It’s weird at first and you may see sad eyes looking back, but keep telling yourself that.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I hope you repeat all of those things several times a day to yourself. Don’t give others the power over your love of you. Once you learn you are good the way you are all the other stuff will start to fall into place.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. This has been a good day to get back to WP. You are a definite help. As I tried to sleep in the few hours I was able to last night, I thought about how useless I am and WHY? on earth this is happening. (the journey I am on with my mom) I am often convinced I am not pleasing to look at or pleasant to be around. I’m old and am barely learning to love myself. Gah, if I had only learned this decades ago! Know my hand is in yours as you travel this road of believing in yourself. I promise not to lead you too far astray!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. You ARE so lovable. There is not a day that goes by when I too struggle with worthiness. It’s those damn ol’ records that keep playing from the past. Some people cannot appreciate us who we really are. I have to constantly remind myself that beauty starts from within. Allow your beauty to shine and the rest will fall into place.

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Early in recovery I heard the phrase “We will love you and have faith in you until you can find it in yourself”. I sooooo needed someone to love me and believe in me. Something I could not find in family and those who called themselves “friends”, I found in a room full of strangers. They gave me that strength to move forward in life without judgment. I’m blessed to be here and so happy to give to you what was freely given to me.

        Liked by 2 people

  5. We are always out worst critics and we see faults others would never even notice. We are tough on ourselves and at times we have unrealistic expectations of ourselves. And while we would gladly give others a break not living up to those perfect conditions, somehow we can’t do that for ourselves. Are we unworthy and why?
    Everybody deserves to matter, to make a difference and to use their voice. And everybody feeling anything less than deserving needs to forget those memories of the past that has left you feeling so vulnerable and raw, for passing judgement about another person can be a very damaging act indeed. Xoxoxo love you my beautiful friend

    Liked by 2 people

  6. My friend, since I’ve been following your blog, one of the things I’ve asked you is why you’re so negative about yourself and while you’ve graciously explained why, my next question has always been, “Why can’t you overcome these negative things?”

    Fact: If you don’t believe in yourself, no one else will. Fact: While there may be others who cannot accept who you are, if you cannot accept yourself, you are royally and truly hosed. You’ve been trying to live up to everyone’s expectations but struggle to live up to your own expectations of self. Yes, you’ve come a long way since I first read your blog and you still have a way to go… but you can get there and if you’re ever gonna be at peace with yourself, you have to get there.

    You have to say, for better or worse, “This is who I am… and now it’s about doing the best I can with what I have to work with.” – and then doing it. I still believe you can do this and, frankly, I would love to see the day when you finally stop beating yourself up and being your own worst enemy.

    You know what you have to do… so get to work!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. to tarnishedsoul,
    I hear and feel your pain. many people have given you positive uplifting in their input, please allow me mine, I’m 72 now, have church shopped and went through a line of therapists and inpatient treatment centers. lived and existed in most sub-cultures, been married 3 times (and drove all my wives away from me) and have both negative and positive history and baggage from the past.
    One persons video struck home and I think that you and others might find it beneficial if struggling with issues that you and others have mentioned.
    Warning it is not politically correct and contains alot of cussing so if this might offend you please do not click the link to view;

    If this link does not take. go to you tube.”Scary Dave and the “Church of Dave” Don’t let the bastards keep you down!
    It kept me from “Checking out of this world” if you know what I mean.
    Kimlnu Alger Wa.

    Liked by 1 person

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