The past couple of days have had me hyper-focused on my physical self-image and I really don’t like it. Anyone that comes on and reads my blog, becomes readily aware that I have a horrible self-image. I struggle with my sexuality, my marriage, my purpose in life, my health, my role as a man (and sometimes what I see as a more feminine side of myself), my finances, my relationship with a God (or Goddess, or some Higher Power, depression, and so on and so forth. My blog has been one sloppy, feel-sorry for me mess of my outlook on life. It has been horribly negative.
Another example of all of this thinking is evident by what I see here:
My stats, today, show someone (or several) people reading my posts where my gender has been a point of contention with myself. The first thing that came to my mind is that I somehow must hate being a male. But does that go along with the horrible self-image I have? I mean, can I really be anything but what I am? What is it about myself that I can’t just accept me the way I am. What is it about myself that I am afraid of the things that I must face in life?
Obviously, the self-questioning can be detrimental when it leads to this idea that I must change something about myself, because it creates this idea that I MUST be imperfect. There seems to be this theme in my mind that I need to find some sort of peace with myself, but I have connected it with this idea that I can’t be at peace as long as there is some perceived expectation that I need to be different than what I am. But I think there is something else I’m missing, and I’ve heard two different therapists allude to it before:
I don’t believe I am lovable.
I remember going to see a therapist once that kept telling me “…you are lovable.” And the most recent therapist I had, had me repeat to myself, “I am perfect, just the way I am.” And I never could accept that. It is such a difficult place to be, because I try and live up to so many other people’s expectations. I am so self-critical, and admonish myself when I disappoint another person. I don’t know how to live outside of other people’s expectations and I find myself accepting their opinions of me.
But, I have a dream, that someday I’ll be able to accept:
I’m a spazz.
I can question God, Religion and Spiritulaity.
Whatever relationship I choose to have with a Higher Power is okay.
I deserve good health.
Getting a pedicure is a perfect way to pamper myself.
Being stoic is noble.
Wearing panties is okay, if they make me feel pretty.
I can love a woman.
I can enjoy knowing that I’ve loved men.
I can lift weights because it makes me feel manly.
Having a bff is a perfect way to have a friendship.
Hanging out with the guys is great.
I don’t have to be smarter than everyone (Trust me, you people have NO IDEA how difficult it is for me to not try and be smarter than others…it’s such an obsession, it’s pathetically stupid).
My opinions matter.
I don’t have to disclose my sexuality, if I don’t want to.
I can achieve the goals I set out for myself.
I don’t have to be perfect at everything I do.
Some people won’t like me or approve of me, and I don’t have to care.
I am perfect, just as I am.