Sometimes I Want to Cry…

Today, I am struggling.
It has been several weeks, since I’ve felt this low, but it is hitting me like a train today.  I have been working some ungodly hours at two different jobs. I am putting in over 65-70 hours per week, trying to work on an advanced degree online and still managing my family responsibilities. But today my efforts feel like they are falling short. 
I am tired.
Physically, emotionally tired.
I want to cry.
I have not been tempted to drink in quite some time either, but last night I was craving a beer in a monstrous way. I am overwhelmed by the lack of balance in my life, which because evident last week, when I went to the Urgent Care for this earache and horrible sinus infection I had.  I expressed to the nurse practitioner that I Was a type-1 diabetic and hse said to me, “Are you sure you’re type 1, because I’ve never seen a type 1 that weighs as much as you do.”
I hate that nurse. Bitch!
But I hate myself more. Double bitch!
I feel like I have no time to take care of myself. I feel like I have swapped beer for eating more. I can’t seem to find the right emotional balance to accomplish all that is in front of me. I feel like it’s all going to come tumbling down soon. I don’t know why I feel the need to puch myself so hard to accomplish so little.  Because I am sacrificing myself in the process.
The fight is always the same.
I don’t know how to do it.
I need some major stress relief, and I have no time, money, motivation to relieve myself from it all.
I’m happy I stopped drinking, believe it or not. It reminds me of a time, when I never drank – except on extremely rare occasions. At that time, I was so incredibly healthy, so incredibly health conscious, so incredibly aware of my health needs. And I thought I was a sexy bitch too.
But I lost it.
I forgot about myself.
I began to loathe myself.
I’m back in a dangerous rut and I need to shake it.
I don’t know how to achieve the balance I need to meet all of my needs – financial, intellectual, emotional, physical, relationship, etc.
But I am on day 69 (I soooo love that number.)
I cried today.
I’ll make it, I just don’t know how at the moment.
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56 thoughts on “Sometimes I Want to Cry…”

  1. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry you’re struggling right now. I wish I could give you a big long hug. ❤ I know it’s hard but try to take care of yourself and give yourself a rest. You work so hard. You are doing amazingly well not drinking and day 69(Hee hee) is wonderful!! Big big hugs!! 😘❤

    Liked by 3 people

  2. You WILL make it because you are strong. Sometimes we’ve just got to “ride it out” Dark times come, but they also go …just ride it out, my friend. You might not feel like it, but you’re doing great! Day 69… be proud! ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I am feeling a bit of it too man. Beating my head against a brick wall asking for help and people leaving me high and dry. Hope this full moon brings something good for you

    Liked by 3 people

      1. Good luck man. I am banging my head against a brick wall over here. Mostly we get nice words and advice from people who have never been there 😅 a cuppa coffee never hurts. Wouldn’t hurt some people to buy someone a cuppa and listen for a few minutes
        Good luck today

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I feel for you, sweetie. I don’t know what your work environment is like at your main job but is a standing desk an option? They say sitting is the new smoking. You burn more calories standing than sitting and it could make a difference in the struggle to find time to exercise. Plus it helps your posture and core muscles. Just a thought… I am so sorry you’re hitting such a rough patch. The doldrums of winter can’t be helping, either. But spring is on the way and with it more sunlight and milder temperatures. Congratulations on making it to 69! It’s a magic number! xoxo

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Hi there friend, I have missed you but I am so proud of how far you have come. I’m sorry life is so tough and I fight my own battles that make me relate to you and balance is a bitch. Still there is no going back for you and you are not going to throw it all away. No matter how tough it is. I wish life will show you a more beautiful side soon and love you the way you deserve to be loved. Hugs xo

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh sweetheart. That nurse is an idiot! Diabetes does not discriminate and she should know thAt! I apologize for my fellow nurse’s insensitive comment… Ive learned we have to make time for ourselves in order to keep sane. I used to run myself ragged making sure everything was perfect for my family and in doing so I put my happiness last…

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Go out of your way for yourself more often. Sometimes it’s absolutely correct to put ourselves and our needs first. Crying is good, it’s releasing all those pent up emotions that you’ve been trying to fight. At times when we feel overwhelmed and stuck, it’s time to step back, analyze our priorities and remove everything toxic in our life that’s dragging us down, whether it’s things or people. Be proud of yourself for coming this far. 69 days is amazing!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Life in general is just straight up hard. I have been struggling as well with life goals not being achieved when I want them to or just my job not being what I wanted it to be. I thought I would be in a different place in life by now, but unfortunately I am not. So what I have been doing is making time for certain things in my life that bring me joy like doing yoga, exercising and hanging out with friends and family. Hang in there and know that you are not alone and there are people out there in the same place that you are right now! Don’t give up!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sometimes it’s okay to say to the world ‘F**k off’ and just take some time for yourself. Reading your post was like my own state of mind staring back at me and I know it’s not a place anyone deserves to be in. Take your time out. You have earned it.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I want to keep saying I’m sorry but something inside me tells me you have seen worse and yet you are still standing. You will push through this point in your life. You have it in you.

    Like

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