It has been several weeks, since I’ve felt this low, but it is hitting me like a train today. I have been working some ungodly hours at two different jobs. I am putting in over 65-70 hours per week, trying to work on an advanced degree online and still managing my family responsibilities. But today my efforts feel like they are falling short.
I am tired.
Physically, emotionally tired.
I want to cry.
I have not been tempted to drink in quite some time either, but last night I was craving a beer in a monstrous way. I am overwhelmed by the lack of balance in my life, which because evident last week, when I went to the Urgent Care for this earache and horrible sinus infection I had. I expressed to the nurse practitioner that I Was a type-1 diabetic and hse said to me, “Are you sure you’re type 1, because I’ve never seen a type 1 that weighs as much as you do.”
I hate that nurse. Bitch!
But I hate myself more. Double bitch!
I feel like I have no time to take care of myself. I feel like I have swapped beer for eating more. I can’t seem to find the right emotional balance to accomplish all that is in front of me. I feel like it’s all going to come tumbling down soon. I don’t know why I feel the need to puch myself so hard to accomplish so little. Because I am sacrificing myself in the process.
The fight is always the same.
I don’t know how to do it.
I need some major stress relief, and I have no time, money, motivation to relieve myself from it all.
I’m happy I stopped drinking, believe it or not. It reminds me of a time, when I never drank – except on extremely rare occasions. At that time, I was so incredibly healthy, so incredibly health conscious, so incredibly aware of my health needs. And I thought I was a sexy bitch too.
But I lost it.
I forgot about myself.
I began to loathe myself.
I’m back in a dangerous rut and I need to shake it.
I don’t know how to achieve the balance I need to meet all of my needs – financial, intellectual, emotional, physical, relationship, etc.
But I am on day 69 (I soooo love that number.)
I cried today.
I’ll make it, I just don’t know how at the moment.