So, a couple of days ago, I passed the mark where I have been sober 60 days. One would think that I would be on here jumping up and down gleefully, but I’m not and here’s why: I’m egotistical and assume everything is my doing.
I’m slowly coming to terms with the idea of a higher power and everything I hear in AA meetings is that my higher power (however I see him or her) is the true driving force in my sobriety. This is a tough place for me t9 be, because I know of the God I grew up with and I still confusing what I learned as a kid to what I have experienced in life. Sometimes I think I believe in the God I grew up with, sometimes I believe in Jesus, sometimes I think there might be a more paganistic version, sometimes I want there to be a Goddess to appeal to my femininity, sometimes I wonder if Satan got a bad rap, sometimes I think a pantheon is appropriate, sometimes I rely on science, and sometimes nothing at all.
The idea of spirituality is vague to me. I function well with clear cut and well defined rules. I’ve said, before, I do really well when I do what I’m told and I’m praised for it. But I wonder if I am ever capable of running my life the way I want – would that mean I am ignoring my higher power?
The other day, two tough men in white shirts and ties dropped off a Book of Mormon at my house. I’m reading it, because I’m a voracious reader, but I wonder how they would have reacted if they knew I am a cock-sucker (or at least have been)? The exact nature of good and evil is something that baffles me on some level and I know the question of doing what’s right and wrong isn’t always a clear cut matter.
I fear I will always struggle with the concept of a higher power.
I’m on day 62.