Sober 60 Days.

20170201_115810

So, a couple of days ago, I passed the mark where I have been sober 60 days. One would think that I would be on here jumping up and down gleefully, but I’m not and here’s why: I’m egotistical and assume everything is my doing.

I’m slowly coming to terms with the idea of a higher power and everything I hear in AA meetings is that my higher power (however I see him or her) is the true driving force in my sobriety. This is a tough place for me t9 be, because I know of the God I grew up with and I Β still confusing what I learned as a kid to what I have experienced in life. Sometimes I think I believe in the God I grew up with, sometimes I believe in Jesus, sometimes I think there might be a more paganistic version, sometimes I want there to be a Goddess to appeal to my femininity, sometimes I wonder if Satan got a bad rap, sometimes I think a pantheon is appropriate, sometimes I rely on science, and sometimes nothing at all.

The idea of spirituality is vague to me. I function well with clear cut and well defined rules. I’ve said, before, I do really well when I do what I’m told and I’m praised for it. But I wonder if I am ever capable of running my life the way I want – would that mean I am ignoring my higher power?

The other day, two tough men in white shirts and ties dropped off a Book of Mormon at my house. I’m reading it, because I’m a voracious reader, but I wonder how they would have reacted if they knew I am a cock-sucker Β (or at least have been)? The exact nature of good and evil is something that baffles me on some level and I know the question of doing what’s right and wrong isn’t always a clear cut matter.

I fear I will always struggle with the concept of a higher power.

I’m on day 62.

Advertisements

77 thoughts on “Sober 60 Days.”

  1. Great job! I prefer to think of my God as a combination of my childhood, buddha, and every other God. All loving and caring. As a lesbian I have issues with much of the Christian version of God and think they got it wrong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ha! I didn’t realize you were a lesbian?!?! Not that it matters, because I enjoy your posts and your comments, but I hate it when I get caught assuming…lol
      Anyways, I am just open minded enough to consider most things, but sometimes I get caught up in thinking about it too much.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. Many struggle with that concept and more so if/when they’ve seen and/or experienced life’s pitfalls and wonder how and why a higher power would allow such bad things to happen when we’re loved so much.

    The trick is to deal with the things you know you can deal with, like making it to day 63 of your sobriety. Whether there is a higher power and one that controls our destiny is a topic of great debate and full of unknowns and unproven things but for the moment, reaching day 63 and many other days is a high priority item.

    Keep up the good work and let’s get to day 63, then day 64…

    Liked by 2 people

  3. First, congrats on 62 days. I come from a background of alcoholics and drug-addicts…some who sought help, some who didn’t. But I know how difficult it is to have to behave against addiction. I’ve seen it in many many forms. I don’t know your history of abuse, but if you felt it was to the point of your detriment, then I applaud you for determining that on your own. Secondly, who says you have to believe in anything? I know AA frowns upon you believing that you are in control of your own destiny/demons, but, if that’s what you truly believe, then why do you need to put an omnipresent being in your path now, at this point? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with believing in yourself over a pre-defined ‘god.’ Now, if you truly do believe there is a higher power of some sort, you are well within your right to call it whatever you want. God, Jesus, Universe, Unicorn…whatever. If that is the stronghold you need to get you through a tough period, do it. You don’t need to explain it to anyone BUT yourself. Keep going, friend. I’m not saying it’s going to get easy any time soon, but eventually, it will get EASIER…Whatever you can hold onto in this time of your life that brings you both peace and guidance, do it. without feeling inclined to define it or explain it. It’s your world, my friend. We’re just all observers. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I hate being wrong…lol
      It’s a major personality defect, I know, but I hate being wrong. I’m learning to accept that I really don’t know everything, nor do I have to, but it is still there. I’m one of those annoying little fuckers that notices a T not being crossed or an i not being dotted, regardless how irrelevant it might be.

      But I do like unicorns…

      Like

  4. Congratulations on 62 days!!!!!! The Higher Power thing…yeah. It took me a long time to come to a God of my own understanding. Couldn’t shake the image of Abe Lincoln in marble in DC. Then again I loved the fiery pagan thing. The other whole piece was that 3rd step, surrendering my will. What???? I was worried that whoever or whatever God is may want me to be a Walmart greeter. People used to say they knew their higher power loved them and I would think, yeah, because your life is SO awesome? Slowly, it just changed. The clearer I got the, the more I could feel a divine connection, until finally it didn’t need a name. And I am certain my destiny lies outside of Walmart–no offense to Walmart. I just feel the force flowing through me. Sounds like you are doing the journey just right, exploring, open, wondering, and staying SOBER one day, one post, at a time.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Yes! I could not describe what you just said any better. I’m just letting life happen and knowing that there are so many changes I need to make in life, but today the most important issue is to not drink.

      Like

  5. Oh T! You’re doing great. Embrace nature as your higher power if you can’t grasp the traditional concept of a higher power. You know you love those mountains… Think of how revered they were to the Native Americans. Whatever you choose, it can work for you. Keep up the good work! ❀

    Liked by 3 people

  6. Day just starting here. Hearing this from you has ensured I am well ahead already and cannot be beat today. I have been sober over 17 years in a world full of assholes sometimes. Seeing you say this right now is the most important thing in the whole equation. Fuck money etc… seeing you getting away from hell is what it is all about. Your success helps others

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Way to go, man. Keep up the good work. Oh, the guys in white shirts and black ties. Last time they dropped by anywhere I lived was while I was in college. We just smoking a bowl and there’s a knock at the door. I thought it was the cops, but no. We invited them in…but they declined a gave us a pamphlet. 😏

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Congrats on your sober time.

    There’s no right answer to the spirituality question, not that I’ve found. I’ve seen people replace the word God in their book and on the step lists on walls with another word of their choice. I also really appreciate the alternative achronyms:

    G roup
    O f
    D runks

    or

    G ood
    O rderly
    D irection

    or

    G ift
    O f
    D esperation

    For me. I had to stop trying to define this thing…this spirituality. I had to put my head down and do what people told me to do. Not an easy task that was. I’ve spent my whole life not letting people tell me what to do.

    The first faith I had was in the people who had more time than me, who had better lives than me. I borrowed their faith until i found my now. i won’t be shy about my faith today. I pray, meditate. And it is my faith that relieves me of the obsession to drink and drug. nothing else worked…for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Congrats on your time in sobriety, one day at a time!! This post hit home on so many levels with me. I struggled for years, it seemed to no end, with letting go of the “God” my mother wired me with from birth. It wasn’t until I was introduced to, and finally read “Conversations With God” (book I) by Neale Donald Walsch that I was able to let go of that punishing God and begin to establish a Higher Power of my own. Although I can’t say I agree with everything in the book, it totally changed my outlook on life. Awesome read.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Keep fighting brother! One day at a time–get back up when you fall! You have a lot of followers who believe in you-even on days when you doubt yourself!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. Hey I’m so sorry I’ve never liked or responded to any of your comments on my comments. I actually thought that every single person on WordPress was ignoring my comments and was wondering why… turns out… I had no idea how to see if people responded or not until a couple of days ago. -__- Anyways, YOU ARE THE HIGHER POWER!!! You are the silent observer determining whether you identify with consciousness or the ego. I have the capacity to be the most venomous douche at times because my ego has such deep roots, and in a brief moment I try to inflict my pain on others because I don’t want to share it alone. Later I’ll be like omg wtf was I thinking and hate myself for it, but eventually realize that I was hurt and channeled out my pain in the wrong way. Extremely awful confession that terrifies me, but its true. Believing in myself as a spiritual being opposed to a human being allows me to be more conscious and spend less time in my egoic mind. Extremely happy that you’ve made it 62 days. Keep going!! You got this!! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

  12. I think you’re pretty amazing. I struggle with the higher power thing, too. I am far too logical and mathematical and cynical to truly believe in a god. I try to have faith in other things… but when things suck, I kind of lose that, too. Let me know if the Mormons have the answers… πŸ™‚ β™₯

    Liked by 1 person

  13. The higher power thing, isn’t something I readily accept, nor believe in. We externalise the higher power, because we are taught to, or we need to, but that higher power comes from within as much as without. Maybe this higher power is simply our connection to something greater, helping lift us up. 62 days is proof of this power within you. Every single day is a victory, 62 wins in a row is a hell of a streak. Believing in yourself and needing help are not mutually exclusive. You are doing amazingly well, whether it is a god, a devil, a goddess or simply the higher aspects of yourself helping you along.
    Here’s to 63

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Congrats. 🌸 The question about a higher power/(powerS?) is the same for me, that is, confusing and no clear answers.. what is important is, perhaps, that we never stop asking the questions and try to find the answer…. but also, to let it all go sometimes… and accept that we may not know the whole truth until after our life on Earth… so, what is important here om Earth… well, lovw yourself and others, and do not hurt yourself or others, would be a pretty good standard to live by, I guess πŸ™‚ What is hard for me is struggling with bitterness over all the pain I have lived through.
    Oh well. I think you are doing great, being sober for that long. Allow yourself to be proud of it. Keep taking care of you. 🌸

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I should set you up to have a conversation with my daughter. If nothing else, she would make you smile. I’d just warn you she’s an atheist with very strong opinions. Her 3 best friends are a Muslim, a Christian and a Sikh. These kids know more about a Higher Power than any church I know.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Good job πŸ‘ tarnished..

    But quit fighting with yourself ..and quit beating yourself up…

    You have become so analytical about everything. And you question even the fact of being a cock sucker..
    which is a ultimate pleasure for you… I’m sure…

    Just keep on doing what you are doing to get pass this destructive habit..
    and everything will seems sweet and perfect πŸ‘ŒπŸ½ again..,

    So proud of you and the progress you have made..

    Liked by 1 person

  17. Congratulations! That’s quite a feat πŸ™‚ I imagine, like most religions, they would frown upon it. (I think) spirituality is something that should personally resonate with you. With that said, anything that preaches hatred and judgment just isn’t my cup of tea.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s