God: What I think he or she should be…

Yesterday, in my post on Acceptance, I had a friend suggest I make a list of what/who I think God should be. If you’ve been a part of my blog, it becomes readily obvious that I struggle with God and religion. I was raised as a Catholic, but I find that concept to be rather limiting to someone of my sexuality.  Before I continue, I also believe there is some danger in being selective about what we believe – the idea of moral ambiguity seems chaotic to me.

However, I will perform the suggested exercise, and here is my list of what I think God(dess) should be:

  1. Obvious – I don’t like guessing games. I need a higher power that easily self-identifies as such.
  2. Natural – I believe we have an amazing world and I can’t help but think that a God or Goddess would want the natural world around us to be destroyed.
  3. Loving and understanding – We make mistakes in life and I need a cushion.
  4. Accepting of human sexuality in its natural forms – being bisexual, most of you can see why I need this to be open. Most organized religions reject alternative sexualities.
  5. Clear messages – like number 1 above, I admit I’m a bit stupid and I want something to be clear, so I know if I am doing something wrong.
  6. Instant judgement for some “sins” – let’s face it, there are some monsters in humanity and I think there should be instant punishment (lightening strikes and such) for such deplorable as child rapists.
  7. Etc.

This is a beginning, but these are som3 things that I think God SHOULD be.

Day 89.

 

QFMR: Kissing – Best and worst?

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Today I read someone else’s post about kissing a guy. She described it as less than ideal and it made me think about the ways people kiss – and what makes them good or bad.  I know we have all experienced the worst and the best, from our own points of view, but do you care to share your experiences?

For me, being bisexual, I have had the chance to kiss both men and women (or boys and girls, when I was a lot younger.) I can honestly say, the best kiss I received from a guy, I spoke about in this post here.  The worst kiss I ever got from a guy, was horrible because he smoked and his breath just smelled bad. I didn’t kiss him for very long, as you can imagine.

The worst kiss I ever had with a woman, was probably in high school, I went on a date with a girl I liked.  She and I ended the date and I moved into kiss her and she through her arms around me and shoved her tongue in my throat…I thought I was going to suffocate. I mean, I was a little intimidated by the size of her tongue and how aggressive she was.  The best kiss from a woman, I have ever had, I can honestly say was with my wife.  I don’t think we stopped kissing for like a week straight, after meeting.  She was a phenomenal kisser and was very enticing.

So, now my question(s) for you, dear readers:

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1.)    Who was your best kiss with and why was it so good?

2.)    Who was your worst kiss with and why was it so bad?

Acceptance, again?

Acceptance is the most difficult challenge I face – it always has been.  I ran a search on the word “acceptance” on my blog and it came up with almost 2 pages worth of posts that I have used or written about the topic of acceptance. Two things stand out quite readily when I read through the posts – alcoholism and sexuality.  But there are more issues surrounding acceptance that I won’t be tackling all in one post; so, don’t be surprised if it’s mentioned in other posts – as evidenced by the numerous posts already discussed. But I ponder the fight I have with acceptance.

This past weekend made me contemplate a few things in life and I spent some time focused on this idea of acceptance. – What is it about acceptance that I struggle with?  I think it boils down to the fact that I BELIEVED everyone who ever told me I can do whatever I want and accomplish whatever I Want, if I just put my mind to it.  The idea that your mind can cause you to accomplish anything.  And it is something I embraced, fully, wholeheartedly, and completely. I don’t do well when people tell me I can’t do something – it instantly makes me WANT to do something.  Sometimes to my own detriment.

This weekend had me feeling old. I am getting to a point in my life, where I feel like I’m not going to accomplish all the things I set out to do in life. I’ve felt like this for a long time and I have struggled against it. I feel like I have been in a battle against time and time is winning.  There is an idea of understanding priorities and how to organize what is important, but sometimes these things can become convoluted.  Even as I think about the goals I may not accomplish in life, I start to consider the fact that something major has been sacrificed along the way: MY happiness, my well-being, my balanced center of being.

I think this is part of what led me into alcoholism, for example (there are a lot of things that I Feel added to me drinking, but I feel. I feel like I began to drink, to calm my nerves and to attempt to “check-out” of the pain of failing in life. My optimism and negativity began to erode over time and I began to feel empty for not achieving everything I wanted to in life. I took the idea that “I can do anything, if I put my mind to it” and turned it into “I can do everything, if I put my mind to it.” And that is false, because we have limits.

Limits are something that absolutely needs to be accepted. Sure, limits can be pushed, broken or even ignored; but they have a very distinct quality of existing, regardless of how you or I appreciate them.  Limits, such as time, other people, places, things, ideas, etc.  I always love the adage that the only limits we have are the ones we put on ourselves – but the reality is there are limits that exist outside of ourselves. They are real, they are inevitable. I’m not suggesting we shouldn’t break the limits we put on ourselves, but we must be able to recognize what those limits are versus the limits that exist outside of ourselves. We must understand what we can control and what we cannot control.  Sometimes, I think I failed to understand that.

I’m beginning to face the reality that I’m not going to be a millionaire. Okay, before you laugh thinking it’s a joke, I am serious.  I had every intention of being well-off. I attended a great engineering college, got into the oil & gas industry and was cleaning up some major financial messes I had got myself into and then was laid off (as many of you are aware).  The last couple of years, I have spent time fighting tooth and nail to stay afloat.  I am even on the prospect of going back to the oil & gas industry and taking a position that is lower than what I had before. I am approaching it with the intention of re-branding myself and promoting myself in ways that I hadn’t before, because I was in the depths of my depression before I even got laid off. I have an opportunity again, but I know there are things I have to recognize and there are limits I need to pay attention to.

Another aspect of acceptance that I have been struggling with again is my alcoholism.  I don’t like it. I simply do not. I can’t seem to wrap my head around the idea of never having another beer for as long as I live. I pay attention to other people and what they have to say, because I have always been the kind of person to follow the path others have laid down in front of me. I do well, when I follow directions. So, I hear when people say this is the cunning and baffling nature of alcohol – it continues to call out to you.  I’m refraining, but I’m refraining because I want to lose weight and get back into shape.  I want to be as healthy as I once was. But there is a limit I am struggling with here, as well – the idea that I have so many other obligations and there feels like there is no time left in life to be where I once was. I’m using the idea of wanting to be healthy as my driving force to refrain from alcohol. I’m steering clear of the God concept when it comes to sobriety, because I fear that by following a God of my understanding, I will have to steer clear of something else I have finally accepted – my sexuality. But as I contemplate that, I begin to have doubts about it all and what it means to me in the totality of my life.

Last week, I discussed my sexuality and impacts of gender in quite a bit of detail, but I am contemplating what more it means to me. This weekend, I went walking through a local shopping mall and went into a few stores that sold women’s clothing and shoes. As I looked and shopped, I felt oddly uncomfortable – I wasn’t sure if it were people staring at me, or if I had a sudden feeling of it not being right for me to be in there.  I began to wonder if there is some reason I should be dressing in women’s clothing and I just had a thought of “You’re too fucking masculine. You’re trying to force something, because you think this is what you MUST be to be taken seriously.” Suddenly, it kind of hit me that I can never pull off a feminine look, unless I were to make many drastic changes to myself – ultimately, this would mean I was not accepting myself the way I am. I felt like the past few years have been monumental in me accepting myself the way I am – bisexual. And now, to look at changing myself, felt like I was trying to hide myself. Is that what I really wanted? I hid myself by drinking, so was I looking for another way to hide myself?

I find that I continue to hide myself in a lot of ways, and sometimes I think that is completely okay.  Sometimes, I feel like there are individual things that we all hide about ourselves to function in the world at large. But is that an inability to accept oneself?  I’m not sure, but there are times when I feel like there are people who do not need to know some things about me. Sometimes I think it is a privilege to know some things about myself, and that’s okay, right?

And as I begin to question myself, I think “Acceptance means you are going to see things the way you see them and it’s always okay.”  I don’t need to question myself. I can be bisexual. I can be masculine (or feminine, if the mood strikes me). I can get a divorce if I wanted. I can go back to lifting weights. or I can body-sculpt however I want. I can find a hot woman to date. I can find a sexy man to sleep with. I can do whatever the fuck I want.  The trick is this: Accepting the outcome of my decisions. Acceptance is being comfortable with what is.

Acceptance is beyond the decision making, because the decision making is part of the process of accepting consequences.

And just like that, I’m fucking brilliant!

 

(In all seriousness, if you stayed with my rambling this long, I truly appreciate you and I’m being facetiously prideful.)

Something positive.

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The past several days have been pretty stressful. I accept that; although my soul is tarnished, I know I can restore it to something beautiful.

Today, I know:

1.) I appreciate my faults, because they are the buttons that tighten my reality.

2.) I am unique and many of you make me feel so blessed for being a beautiful version of myself.

3.) I’m compassionate and I care for those around me. It’s not a weakness, because it builds strong relationships.

4.) Sometimes being a bitch is needed.

5.) I’m on a path to recovering myself, in a more authentic version.

That is what I know today and I needed to offer myself some motivation and inspiration.

And something else- my blood sugars have been awesome, because I am paying close attention to self-care, I’m sober and I’m down five more pounds a total of 13 since I made some decisions to love myself.

(#imcallingmyselfahappygirltodaysodealwithit)

QFMR: What puts you at peace?

In the past coupleight of days, I have indicated my stress and anxiety are pretty high. The best thing for me is to maintain emotionally centered and it made me think about things that put me at peace. But it made me wonder what puts others at peace, so I ask:

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What, dear readers, what puts you at peace when things are stressful?

 

Manipulated into hopelessness.

“You’re trying to get rid of me, because you don’t love me…”

The statement creates such a tumultuous affair in my mind. We just made love last night… How can you think…?  I love you…I’m not trying to get rid of you. I’m just working.  Trying to be there on time is important. Why can’t you see that I must work? I don’t hate you, far from it, I’ll do anything for you.  This is a test. She needs to know I care. She needs to know I’m going to make her important when she needs it. But why does she always need it when I have an obligation? Get rid of you? I’m going to work…I’m late to work, because you asked me to tak you to breakfast and I did that , because I love you. I don’t understand how you think I am trying to get rid of you…

The terror of her thinking I want someone else. I never wanted anyone else. I hated being punched in the face. I hated the constant fighting. I was desperate to prove that I loved you, but I felt tortured with the need to constantly sacrifice the things I love for her. I wanted her to hurt for making me hurt, for attacking my dignity as a man. I was raised to never strike a woman – no matter what. But how do I protect myself from her pummeling me every time her feelings are hurt? And why…oh why are her feelings constantly hurt?

I have never abandoned you, but you treat every situation like it’s final. Maybe it should be final and you have a hard time accepting that. But I’m drawn in, by having my ethics and integrity questioned by you. You are good, you know what buttons to push. You know the things that trigger me to desperately seek your approval. Why can’t I Feel happiness, regardless of how you feel?  And worse, why do I try and find the fault of my ways in every situation, but can’t stand up to you anymore? 

But I comply. I give her what she wants, because it’s easier than the hours – no days – worth of arguing that she and I will do. I believe her to be mentally ill, but is that a preposterous thing to suggest, since I suffer from my own depressive and anxious monsters? But we made vows for sickness and health, and I am required to stand by her side – especially, when I have acted selfishly in the past.

You call me a pussy and question my abilities to husband and father, anytime I want to discuss my feelings and needs. Your questions about me are always a trap, because you want to point out how selfish I am.  I feel like every time your feelings are hurt, intention matters not to you…only the effect it has on you, based on your twisted interpretation. You hate when I make attempts predicting your reactions, but if I’m not careful, you will lash out with vehemence. Everything you do is justified by someone hurting your feelings. You hold me responsible for everything bad in your life and I take it, I take responsibility for things that are not my fault. “I forgive you” are words you say, but you don’t… You never forgive, you remember and you hold them over my head. God forbid any mistakes are made, because your anger is always my fault.

I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to drink away all the pain I felt. I knew I was fighting a losing battle with her. I always felt like things would be better; hell, she even stopped hitting me several years ago, “I stopped caring so much”, she said – a not so subtle way to imply that her lack of care is my fault. I never had the strength to leave her. I never had the emotional fortitude to stand up and say, “This is toxic for both of us.” I wanted her to leave; I needed her to leave. It made more sense…girls always left me. I’ve always assumed I could change and show them all I loved them and could be who they want me to be. Even for her…especially for her.

Even the therapist said I took responsibility for my actions, but it wasn’t something you wanted to hear. Did it mean you couldn’t hold things above my head anymore?  It didn’t seem to sway you. Even in choosing a counselor, you wanted to choose someone so I “couldn’t manipulate the counselor”. Although you picked her, you accused me of getting her to believe me over you.  Your pain is real; I’ve never doubted it. You’ve had some fucked-up things happen to you in life and my actions in our relationship didn’t help, but I do take responsibility. I have gone through great lengths to prove my love for you. I’m not rich, I’m not flashy, I’m not extravagant, but I have been authentically in love with you – and I’ll venture to say that I have accepted things that I feel most would not. Do I have a victim mentality about our relationship?  Yes, because I am connected to this in a toxic way that doesn’t serve me or you in any positive way.

I have no ability to please her.

I don’t understand why I try.

Guilt.