Today, I have a potty mouth, but I’m still sober.

Okay, I admit it…I’m pissed off, bitter, irritable and highly discontent.  My life is not turning out any way I wanted it to.  I’ve been holding back everything I’m feeling, because I’m supposed to be grateful for what I have and I’m supposed to be positive and energetic.  I went to school, to be successful, I wanted a happy family, I wanted lots of friends and everything feels like shit.  I’m not supposed to hold anyone responsible for my life, except my own decisions. Well, I made decisions, thinking I was doing the right things in life, and they turned out to be absolute shit.

 I don’t like how I’m feeling, at all. I can see impending doom and I’m trying to avoid it like the fuckin’ plague, but no matter how hard I try, it’s absolute shit. I’m not supposed to be where I am…I don’t give a rats fuckin’ ass about the philosophy of “you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be”.  Bull fucking shit. I busted my ass off to NOT be right where the fuck I am. I busted my ass off to achieve and succeed and I’m pissed that I turned away from a decent job to try and make someone else happy and that person is eternally fucking miserable – which, in turn, erodes my own mental faculties.  I’m fucking irritated that I was promised that this person would work, and even work more than one job to make sure we didn’t have to move. I’m fucking pissed that divorce won’t even put me where I need to be financially.

 We’re fucked.  And I’ve been fighting it for so fucking long.  I’m trying to meet $4300-$4500 in monthly expenses, but only making a net pay of $3000 per month with my “real job”. I’m driving with a ride-share program to make ends meet, but it’s not cutting the mustard.  I’m fucking distracted at fucking work all the fucking time and I received a meeting with my boss last week.  Granted, no threats to my job, but it did make me realize I’m not performing at my best. I’m fighting with everything in me and I have so far to go.

 My student loans are so excessive, that combined with my wife’s they would amount to a second home. We racked up some credit card debt, with the belief that we would be moving to another state with the last job I had – and the pay would have taken care of those within a year. We have no car payments, which is good, but my car needs dire repairs.  We just finished a bathroom construction and remodel in our house that cost us close over $30,000 and the contractor stiffed us (I haven’t mentioned it in the blog, but I am extremely angry). We have two adult children living with us that don’t do fuck and don’t pay fuck and I can’t get them the fuck out of the house, because my wife gets her feelings hurt every time I try getting them to be responsible for themselves – i.e. like help with a utility bill, since they don’t pay a fucking dime in rent.

 I have no fucking balance in my life. I try and go to AA meetings, I get told I’m selfish and self-centered. I try and work two jobs to just skate by, I’m told I never want to be home. I feel immense guilt, if I do anything for myself. I can’t find the time to work out and I’m eating like shit. I feel like shit. I want something to fucking change. I don’t know how to make the changes I feel need to be done without someone being a victim in the situation.  I take on other people’s problems and don’t deal with my own. 

I can’t do it all, and I see things falling fucking hard. And I am now pissed at myself for not sticking to my guns. And the thing that really pisses me off at the moment, is these are many of the exact feelings I began drowning in alcohol and I made every attempt at hiding how I felt.  Now it’s fucking clear to me, I am in a losing situation.

The difference?  The one difference I can gain out of this, is that I know that I must stop the insanity on my part and not fucking drink today.

I will get through these 24 hours, for no other reason that I’m so pissed off at my situation, that I need to act. I just don’t know what action to take.

 

 

Advertisements

33 thoughts on “Today, I have a potty mouth, but I’m still sober.”

  1. Tough one. But remember that in the middle of all of this, youre one day closer to your goal. And tomorrow you’ll be even closer. Remember that this is as important as all the things you have mentioned, and this is a big deal to you as well – and youre doing great. Life needs balance, and you have now the balance between a difficult moment in life on one side and your daily victories on the other. Every single day your life is already better than it was before and that’s enough for you to keep focused. In order to solve all the other problems, you’ll need to take it step by step or day by day just like youre doing now. So take a deep breath and don’t freak out!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ya know, this clarity reminds me that I had clear thoughts when I made the decision to begin numbing my emotions. Now I’m at a place where I know I don’t want to live in this constant anger and misery. I want happiness, peace, serenity.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I don’t think you really don’t know what action to take… It’s just going to be so fucking hard, and painful… You are putting it off

    We know deep in our soul what we need. You’re doing the hard work… And I’m really proud of you. You will act when you’re ready… That’s all that matters

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I don’t know friend, but life crashing down on you so hard could be the very reason to shake you and make you aware of your situation. To prompt you to act, to make changes. If it wasn’t drastic, you would continue to go on in the same ole fashion, being miserable with nothing ever changing. You don’t know where to start….take one thing that you are unhappy with….evaluate what would make it better and then go for it with all your might. Not everything has to happen all at once.
    You know that it is you who has to make the changes and I hope you can look back and know that you tried in every way. With your job, career and personal choices, but in a way I wonder if guise were your dreams you chased or the expectations of others and what you have been told. Go to school, get a good job, live the life you deserve etc. life doesn’t work that way and while and maybe it’s time to chase your own dreams and values. Maybe you have to prioritize your truths and what is important. And forgive me but a 30K bathroom remodel is not your priority in your current struggles. So get rid of the burden and stop suffocating yourself. You know you can do it and I’m proud of you for realizing that it was reasons like those that you were hiding behind the alcohol. Don’t give in but instead eliminate the temptations. One step, one reason at a time.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I’ll cuss up a fucking storm down here to build up some energy and send that bitch wind swirling north to fill your sails 😎 .

    You are gaining more and more ground everyday in your fight for clarity and purpose. I think Cinn hit the nail squarely on the head, lil bro. I believe in you.

    Doing what’s right doesn’t mean you have to die in the process. In fact that just screams wrong. People will get pissed when you say enough and that’s just too damned bad. They aren’t the ones dying a slow death in your skin. No one wins if you stay under this pressure. No one.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Ugh..that’s rough. But you know drinking won’t fix any of that stuff. It would actually make it worse. Hang in there with everything you can muster. Your wife needs to stop enabling “adult”kids. My parents did that with my brother and he is now a broken individual living with my parents..still at the age of 50. And he is a selfish ungrateful prick. A book called Boundaries may help you and your wife. As far as finances, welcome to the club. A great book ( I did the audio) is Dave Ramsey’s, Total Money Make Over. Good luck!🍀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Your powerful words and the following comments are a testimony to you being strong in the choices you are making. I almost threw something when I read you went to AA meetings and were told you were selfish. You are not being selfish! I also found myself wondering if you were writing about me a couple of years ago. Some very similar instances. I’m on your side, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I think it’s time you started pleasing yourself. It’s about time you started making the choices – the right choices – to make yourself happy.
    I gave up trying to please people who will not be happy with anything.
    My life is not sorted by any means by I already feel so much better about it!
    I hope you find your way soon. 💙💙💙💙💙

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Sorry to read about the tough ‘weather’. This certainly sounds like a ‘one day at a time’ bit of Life. It is painful to try and do the best you can and keep on keeping on in such circumstances. Sometimes we have to opt for survival mode and grind through each day.
    Reading your posts I think you can do it.
    Was it ever easy? Hell, no it wasn’t, isn’t. But Survival is Good.
    To say ‘I survived’ is one heck of an achievement.
    Best wishes
    Roger

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Loved your honesty in this post. When I was a child, I had this dream I would be living in Beverly Hills with my beautiful family, be the pic of health and drive a red convertible. In stead, I’m in the middle of Ohio, 40, driving a 14 year old corolla, flabby, drink waayyy too much and wonder how the hell I didn’t get to where I want to be. There are other issues but that’s not for this comment.
    I’m listening to a really good book right now, I might suggest. It’s called The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck. I’m only 1/3 of the way in but it’s helping me to be like here are the cards you were dealt, here’s your current situation, don’t play victim, etc, etc. I am rooting for you. This isn’t forever. Make this temporary.

    Liked by 2 people

          1. Nope, makes sense. It’s funny in this comment I talk about what we think life is going to turn out like. My 8 year old is currently laying out his mansion, complete with screening room, 5 bedrooms and 7 bathrooms. Totally practical.

            Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s