BYJ: Day 24 – Describe yourself

So, I have not written in my Beautiful You Journal in quite some time. Mostly, because the topic for this was extremely difficult. I didn’t want to describe myself a couple of months ago, because I was feeling the bouts of depression again and I was feeling self-deprecating. I wanted to capture when I was feeling good about myself. So, here goes:

I see myself as a beautiful person – my heart and soul looks for good in everyone. Growing up, my favorite compliment is that I was conscientious of others. I have a keen mind (when I’m sober), that is comfortable with logic, but tortured by emotion. I am meticulous about minor details within my work ethic. I think I would give the short off my back to anyone. I try to treat others with decency and respect. Although, I’m quite masculine on the outside, I am comfortable with my somewhat soft interior that heavily flirts with the feminine aspects of my personality. I still struggle being bisexual, and haven’t ever figured out traditional gender roles, so I tend to stumble with certain behaviors of either gender and gleefully exhibit others well. I am intelligent and love science and math, but have grown into enjoying those things that pull at emotions. I enjoy being more passive, versus being aggressive, but I am comfortable taking a leading role in situations that require it. I try and look upon others delicately, appreciating that everyone has a story.

Physically, I’m not quite at a place that I feel comfortable liking myself, but I am working on it. I struggle comparing myself to when I was in great shape. I’ve allowed the stresses and experiences of my life to bear down on me, negatively; but I have the desire to change. I have always been curious about looking as feminine as I feel on the outside, but have accepted, long ago, that this is not so simple for someone like me. So, on some level, I respect that I need to learn to like me just the way I am.

Today, I have a potty mouth, but I’m still sober.

Okay, I admit it…I’m pissed off, bitter, irritable and highly discontent.  My life is not turning out any way I wanted it to.  I’ve been holding back everything I’m feeling, because I’m supposed to be grateful for what I have and I’m supposed to be positive and energetic.  I went to school, to be successful, I wanted a happy family, I wanted lots of friends and everything feels like shit.  I’m not supposed to hold anyone responsible for my life, except my own decisions. Well, I made decisions, thinking I was doing the right things in life, and they turned out to be absolute shit.

 I don’t like how I’m feeling, at all. I can see impending doom and I’m trying to avoid it like the fuckin’ plague, but no matter how hard I try, it’s absolute shit. I’m not supposed to be where I am…I don’t give a rats fuckin’ ass about the philosophy of “you’re exactly where you’re supposed to be”.  Bull fucking shit. I busted my ass off to NOT be right where the fuck I am. I busted my ass off to achieve and succeed and I’m pissed that I turned away from a decent job to try and make someone else happy and that person is eternally fucking miserable – which, in turn, erodes my own mental faculties.  I’m fucking irritated that I was promised that this person would work, and even work more than one job to make sure we didn’t have to move. I’m fucking pissed that divorce won’t even put me where I need to be financially.

 We’re fucked.  And I’ve been fighting it for so fucking long.  I’m trying to meet $4300-$4500 in monthly expenses, but only making a net pay of $3000 per month with my “real job”. I’m driving with a ride-share program to make ends meet, but it’s not cutting the mustard.  I’m fucking distracted at fucking work all the fucking time and I received a meeting with my boss last week.  Granted, no threats to my job, but it did make me realize I’m not performing at my best. I’m fighting with everything in me and I have so far to go.

 My student loans are so excessive, that combined with my wife’s they would amount to a second home. We racked up some credit card debt, with the belief that we would be moving to another state with the last job I had – and the pay would have taken care of those within a year. We have no car payments, which is good, but my car needs dire repairs.  We just finished a bathroom construction and remodel in our house that cost us close over $30,000 and the contractor stiffed us (I haven’t mentioned it in the blog, but I am extremely angry). We have two adult children living with us that don’t do fuck and don’t pay fuck and I can’t get them the fuck out of the house, because my wife gets her feelings hurt every time I try getting them to be responsible for themselves – i.e. like help with a utility bill, since they don’t pay a fucking dime in rent.

 I have no fucking balance in my life. I try and go to AA meetings, I get told I’m selfish and self-centered. I try and work two jobs to just skate by, I’m told I never want to be home. I feel immense guilt, if I do anything for myself. I can’t find the time to work out and I’m eating like shit. I feel like shit. I want something to fucking change. I don’t know how to make the changes I feel need to be done without someone being a victim in the situation.  I take on other people’s problems and don’t deal with my own. 

I can’t do it all, and I see things falling fucking hard. And I am now pissed at myself for not sticking to my guns. And the thing that really pisses me off at the moment, is these are many of the exact feelings I began drowning in alcohol and I made every attempt at hiding how I felt.  Now it’s fucking clear to me, I am in a losing situation.

The difference?  The one difference I can gain out of this, is that I know that I must stop the insanity on my part and not fucking drink today.

I will get through these 24 hours, for no other reason that I’m so pissed off at my situation, that I need to act. I just don’t know what action to take.

 

 

Day 25: I had an epiphany!

I can’t make you happy.

I can’t make anyone happy.

No one can make me happy.

Happiness is an internal quality, and it can only be directed outward.

Unhappiness is exactly opposite.

I can do things that make you unhappy.

I can do things that make everyone unhappy.

Someone can make me unhappy.

Unhappiness, always comes from outside of one’s being.

If you are not grateful for my kindness, then that is not because of me. Your inability to see something nice, something kind, something happy, is because of the unhappiness within you.

You control what comes from within you, just like I control what comes from within me. Just because I have allowed unhappy and bitter thoughts to remain inside of me, does not excuse me from pushing those out.

It is my responsibility to allow the darkenss t9 be consumed by happiness, but I cannot force my own happiness upon you,  because it would be coming from outside of you.

Happiness can only come from within…

Day 25. It has been a right, but I had someone tell me today, “I hear the voice of recovery in your words.”

I will make it through another day. I am feeling free, in spite of everything.

 

Day 21 – Still struggling

Tonight, I was called a “faggot alcoholic” and I should “go suck my sponsor’s dick”, all in response to an argument that I rolled my eyes…

Fuck her…

…I’m on day 21 and if I do this as an act of motha-fuckin’ defiance, then that is what I’ll do for this 24 fucking hours.

I’m going to beat this and I am going to fucking win!