SARD: Part 11 – Confused Relationships

Do problems within relationships dictate your sexuality?
In a word: No.  I don’t believe relationships dictate sexual preference, but I do think knowing what direction you are oriented will help you determine the type of relationship you would/should have. If you are aware of your attractions, then it only stands to reason that you are going to pursue those with whom you are attracted. Right?
Well, for me, in life, there was one major caveat: I did not know or understand my sexuality. I didn’t understand that my attractions to both guys and girls was a normal part of human sexuality. I always felt ashamed for my attractions, because of the things I was taught about human relationships while I was growing up.  Couple this aspect of my sexual development with the molestation I was victimized by, it is no wonder I might have been confused about relationships and sexuality.  I approached everything logically and when I began hearing, “It’s wrong to be gay” or “Men and women are meant to be married”, I dealt with it in a logical manner – I suppressed my feelings because I did not want to be wrong.
I’ve mentioned in previous posts, that I never bothered having a romantic relationship with a guy, because it was not going to happen. But I always felt like my relationships with women were utter failures. There were things that would occur that I couldn’t comprehend, I couldn’t make sense of these things. I always felt like girls didn’t like me, but because I was disposed to thinking that same-sex relationships were wrong, I began to believe that the reasons girls didn’t like me was because I was ugly, not popular enough, not funny enough, not ideal in some shape or form. In fact, I was so bad with my self-esteem, that I would latch onto any girl that would pay attention to me.  I felt desperate for relationships at times.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m knocking adult entertainers, but I even dated a couple of strippers.  At the time, I was living with my grandparents and I remember my grandmother asking me things like, “Are you desperate for attention?” I didn’t think I was, but it iwas certainly a possibility and looking back on it, I can’t help but think it was true.  I was always the type that got into relationships fast and typically long lasting.  In fact, I have NEVER ended a relationship. It was always the girl or woman I was with that would end the relationship. I have a difficult time being able to tell what I need in a relationship, because I tend to give up myself to the relationship and doing everything I can to make it work.
In fact, I was in high school and dated a girl that I Felt I was in total love. She cheated on me, a couple of times, with friends of mine. Each time, I promised to take her back and forgive her. Each time I hurt tremendously. The night of my senior prom, she chose to go with someone else and told me by saying, “There is no way you can forgive me, it’ll be easy now, but when things get tough, you’ll remember how I hurt you.”  Looking back on it, it was the biggest cop-out in the world, but that was the kind of bullshit, I would subject myself to in the interest of being in love.
Why am I mentioning this, with respect to being bisexual?  Well, because later in life, when I began to look at myself critically and question the reality of my sexuality, I had to ask myself if some of these women or girls saw something in me that I didn’t see myself? Was there some subtle, sub-conscious part of their brains that said, “Hey. He is not the guy for you, because he might suck dick as well as you”? Were they able to tell, without being able to know it?
This sort of questioning had a lot to do with how I came to terms with my sexuality. The ability to understand the kind of relationship I needed, might have had a lot to do with how I accepted myself. Maybe, if I had understood that my attractions were not unnatural, maybe I would have found a relationship that was more conducive to my needs. This is a question I may never know the answer.

11 thoughts on “SARD: Part 11 – Confused Relationships”

  1. Reading this made me feel like I wrote it about myself. I can relate totally how you feel. The more failed relationships with men strengthen my curiosity to get serious with a women. Living in a small southern town makes it a lot harder to get past just curiosity. Keep your head up and follow your heart and never be afraid to break boundaries.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Your story moved me in a way that so many others could not understand. Back in 2001 my best friend disclosed to me his childhood rapes by his brothers as his father looked on. He was also molested by his sister. His father punished him for his sexual contact with his sister, by making him have oral sex with his mother. He too was confused and totally f*cked up about his sexuality while dating females during his high school years. After joining the service, he started dating a male. When I met him he was living with a man and I thought him to be gay. He was kind and gentle. He was a good man. I fell in love with him as the person he was and I kept it to myself, knowing he was off limits. His friendship was more important to me. After he broke up with his partner he sent me an email telling me he was in love with me, had been for a while and hoped this wouldn’t ruin our friendship. I was floored! We got to share three years of the most authentic love before God took him home. My reason for sharing this? You are who you are. Be who you are. Love is love… gender mean nothing.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. “Maybe, if I had understood that my attractions were not unnatural, maybe I would have found a relationship that was more conducive to my needs.”
    I think this sentence is the key and I don’t think it’s sexuality related. You needed to find the right person (any gender) to have a relationship that would be fulfilling to you as opposed to clinging to a ‘wrong’ woman. It could have been a ‘wrong’ man but you never allowed yourself that possibility.


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