My last post smelled like desperation, didn’t it?
Well, I don’t like that smell. It’s pungent and overpowering. Truthfully, I’d rather smell like roses or some other pretty flower, but I’m not so sure that’ll happen. Maybe I’ll settle for something in the middle – like the smell of cinnamon?
It’s entirely allegorical, mind you.
The reality is that I am not in a sane place right now. My thoughts are all over the place and I can’t seem to focus. I’m torn between all the things that have tormented me for so long and I can’t seem to find the place to put my feet on a path that I am comfortable. My mind is plagued with constant negativity and I feel trapped by all the pressures of my life. And I don’t like it.
I don’t like it one bit.
(Why do I hear Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” in my head?)
On all accounts, one might think me hopeless, or that I have given up hope. But the reality is I am pissed off. I find myself just angry and irritable and bitter and bogged down with the fact that I feel helpless. I hate that feeling.
I’m frantic to find some happiness, something to look forward to doing (Hence why I briefly considered finding a boyfriend outside my marriage). I can’t remember the last time I was excited to go to work or happy to be alive. Although I have said it before, there is something missing from my life that I can’t seem to comprehend. I’m not suicidal, or even thinking of giving up. I’m just sick of wasting my efforts on things that don’t seem to get me anywhere.
I want to feel alive.
I want to smell like damned roses!