Smell like a Rose

My last post smelled like desperation, didn’t it?
Well, I don’t like that smell. It’s pungent and overpowering.  Truthfully, I’d rather smell like roses or some other pretty flower, but I’m not so sure that’ll happen. Maybe I’ll settle for something in the middle – like the smell of cinnamon?
It’s entirely allegorical, mind you.
The reality is that I am not in a sane place right now.  My thoughts are all over the place and I can’t seem to focus. I’m torn between all the things that have tormented me for so long and I can’t seem to find the place to put my feet on a path that I am comfortable. My mind is plagued with constant negativity and I feel trapped by all the pressures of my life. And I don’t like it.
I don’t like it one bit.
(Why do I hear Dr. Seuss’ “Green Eggs and Ham” in my head?)
On all accounts, one might think me hopeless, or that I have given up hope. But the reality is I am pissed off. I find myself just angry and irritable and bitter and bogged down with the fact that I feel helpless. I hate that feeling.
I’m frantic to find some happiness, something to look forward to doing (Hence why I briefly considered finding a boyfriend outside my marriage). I can’t remember the last time I was excited to go to work or happy to be alive. Although I have said it before, there is something missing from my life that I can’t seem to comprehend. I’m not suicidal, or even thinking of giving up. I’m just sick of wasting my efforts on things that don’t seem to get me anywhere.
I want to feel alive.
I want to smell like damned roses!
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44 thoughts on “Smell like a Rose”

  1. oh I can relate so much! I’m so much better with myself, but I can’t seem to find happiness in my world right now. And it all seems out of my control. My marriage, my job, my house, everything seems dull and lifeless. I know that feeling of just screaming and looking for something to be happy about. I guess I have no real advice, lol but you’re not alone! And you’re certainly not sounding desperate or hopeless! You sound like you just want to be happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s a great word for it…disconnected. One thing I do at home to continue striving to be my authentic self while the world seems to control things is to ask myself…”If I were alone/single/happy/ what would i be doing right now? Sometimes it means I would be sitting and reading or writing instead of watching tv with the husband. Sometimes in means I would rearrange a room to my liking. These aren’t things I’m necessarily stopped from doing, just things I don’t do because I feel like my attention has to be on everyone but me. So I try to really pay attention to myself. Obviously it doesn’t make life perfect, lol but it does give some pleasure to just do whatever the hell I want every now and then. lol I mean I’m almost 40, I should be able to right? lol

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  3. I just figured it out this past year, sorta lol. Now acting on it is the struggle! Why do we have such a hard time doing things that make us happy???? I hear so many people saying the same thing in different words.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not. I’ve just been there and having a friend to dump it with makes life sweeter and the load lighter. And you know I’m serious. Nachos and gnashing of teeth. Ain’t nothing better and it’s cheaper than therapists who hide their own shit behind the shingle. You can wear a tiara if you want.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. From my own experience going through ‘a bad scene’ of some length can leave mind conditioned to a state of perceiving this is the only way the world is and will always be. This is a difficult place to move out of having conditioned oneself to believe it to be so. Sometimes what does work is to focus on one small thing which you have control over and engages you positively then look forward to that engagement no matter how trivial or how short a time span. This can then take the form of a light in the darkness or a small patch of good ground in a wasteland. This allows fresh perceptions to grow. The important thing is not to obsess otherwise the value will be lost in the anxiety to perfect.
    Hope that helps.
    All the best
    Roger

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hey T, I’m so far behind on things. Sorry about that. I am sorry that you’re feeling disconnected to everything too. I wonder if its something we face as we reach middle age. You how I felt about turning fifty. Pretty awful. We stand back assess where we’ve come in life, and for some of us realize we aren’t anywhere close to where we want to be or thought we would be. I am still struggling with this thought going forward. And having people dump ‘power of positive thinking’ crap on you is not helpful nor does it solve anything. It’s more about taking stock, figuring out what would make things better, what you would need to have happen to get to that point and then taking the appropriate action. (I’m a chronic list maker) I do know this: working things out logically does help me feel better. Wishing only the best for you, my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

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