It has been a while, since I have posted anything of esteemed value (of, course, that’s assuming I have done this at some point). And I hate to do this, but I am not a happy person right now. I feel like I’m back in college, when I busted my ass off to get ahead. I feel overwhelmed by all my responsibilities. I feel disconnected from people again. I haven’t had sex in forever. I’m whiny. I’m bitchy.
As many of you know, I accepted a new position back home in Colorado and I made the decision based on my assumption I could make the much lower pay work. Unfortunately, I don’t think that is going to be the case. Originally, when I planned this out, I knew I would have to make-up a $2,000 deficit per month. I planned to cut some expenses, and remove some fringe things to reduce that deficit to about $800 per month. I assumed I could work a part time job on the side to make up that difference. My new job has new plans, however, because it is causing me to be work a crap-ton of hours and the traffic in the Denver area is horrible, so a 9-hour (8, plus an hour for lunch) day has become an 11-hour day. Then all the demands on me at home right now has left me absolutely exhausted with no desire to work extra time. I need to commit 20 hours per week on my VERY flexible part time gig to make the ends meet in the middle., but I am lucky if I get 10 hours in each week. I’m frustrated to say the least.
Also, I was truly hoping to attack some of my health issues. I assumed that being home would give me the flexibility to work-out and prepare the kinds of foods that are conducive to a healthy lifestyle. But I have had absolutely no time to find a place to work out, establish a routine or even give myself the proper attention I deserve. I’ve eaten more and more icky fast-food, grabbing quick snacks, etc. I’m pissed, because I thought everything would be easier. It’s not easier.
There is also a strong disconnect between my wife and I. I can’t tell how much of it is me and how much of it is her. I know I am feeling a little bit like I was pressured into the decision to come home, but I can’t hold someone else responsible for the decision I make. I want to be the kind of person that owns the decisions I make. I feel like I wasn’t listened to when I tried to express how difficult it would be for me to accept a lower paying job with lower benefits. I feel like a greater recognition of my sexuality has become a hindrance in the intimacy between us. I feel like he time away has shown us both that there are strong differences in how we see the world around us. I hate that I am much more aware of my attractions to others too…it’s a temptation I don’t care for. And it doesn’t help that I haven’t had sex in quite some time.
I don’t want to spend a long time thinking about the election here in the U.S. this week, but it is on my mind, as well. I can honestly say I have never felt more unsure about casting a vote than I did this year. I felt dirty voting for one of the major candidates, but I would have felt like I was betraying my heart by voting for the other. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about the lack of true leadership in our country. I also find the reactions of people on both sides of the election results to be appalling. I have mentioned before, that I am a conservative by nature (I know, I know…shocking that I am a member of the LQBT community and a conservative…a weird paradox), but I am horrified by the actions of some that supported a Trump presidency: I have always felt that equal rights is not even worth mentioning, because they SHOULD be obvious; I truly value freedom of religion, speech, peacefully assemble, the right to bear arms, the right to state sovereignty, individual rights over the power of government, etc. But the gloating, lack of decency and an inability to appreciate opposing opinions with certain factions and groups is stomach churning. Like it or not, there are hateful people/groups within the Republican party and they need to be purged out of it. On the other hand, I have watched many family and friends absolutely ridicule anyone who did not support Hillary Clinton. People were labeled as racists, homophobes, misogynists, held responsible for the actions of a few and generalizing it as the majority – it is equally hate-filled to do this. I’ve witnessed the threats from both sides, the lack of desire to truly work together with the “my way or the highway” attitude. The constant backlash and inability to accept the truly deplorable state of our society is offensive and it would be highly beneficial for both sides to try and find common ground – we should focus on what we agree on and not try and force the issues the others do not want. I know, it’s easier said than done, but it should be an endeavor to be tackled. But it saddens me nonetheless.
I’m still struggling with beer too. I’m not drinking heavily, but I am finding myself craving it again. I get done working and I can’t find any time to give myself any proper care. I find myself worrying about how to ease stress and that there is no time to do it. I think, in the past few weeks, I have had about 6 or 7 beers total, but I don’t like that I find myself thinking, “I really need this tonight.” That troubling thought of needing anything outside myself to make me happy is what disturbs me. I just hate that my life doesn’t feel fulfilling right now and I don’t know how to find my inner peace. I just want to find it, I’m dying to find it.
Anyways, I was filled with so much sadness, anxiety, stress and depression, I needed to get some things of my chest. I don’t have answers for anything in life right now and I just want to find some peace and happiness…