I tried to go hiking…

So, the day after Thanksgiving I tried to go hiking and I quickly realized that it was not going to be my day. Unfortunately, the trail I chose had been covered with snow and I did not bring my snowshoes and just didn’t feel like relying on my compass to find my way, if lost. So, I decided not to bother, since I could not find the trail.

But, I took the two pictures below:




Day 1: 30 Chips?

So, I’m on day 1 again.

I went to an AA meeting tonight and asked for another 24 hour chip – the symbol of getting through just today to be sober. The old timer who gave it to me asked, “How many of these do you have now? 30?”

I took my chip and said, “Yeah…probably so.”

I’ll try again. I owe it to myself, don’t I?

Painful Phenomenon

I’ve only experienced it a couple of times, but I feel it today:

The physical pain that runs through your body during a bout of depression.

I feel like doubling over as if I’ve been hit in the stomach. I feel like my head is reverberating, but there is no discernable headache.


Primp it!

So, I’m going to be a little naughty today, but after reading this post, I have to say that there is so much that goes into having sex with a guy. Obviously, for anatomical reasons, me having sex with a guy really takes some planning. since, I’m the bottom in any relations I have with guys, spontaneous sex is kind of a misnomer. I don’t want to go into a lot of details, because it’s a bit gross to think of it, but there is some preparation involved to prepare to give myself over – eating right, cleaning, shaving, moisturizing, lubrication, etc., etc.

Wow, and now I’m remembering how long it really has been for me.

Maybe I’ll delete this…Maybe it’s not exactly appropriate for my blog, but I did like the author of the linked post expressing the care and presentation a woman needs to do for her man. And I wanted to point out, that it’s something I have to do to.

AJ: Miss Tarnished

I haven’t posted in my Appreciation Jar in a while, but today, someone referred to me as “Miss Tarnished”. To me, this was really fun, because it appealed to the side of me that I call girly and it made it seem like I was young, sweet and innocent. 😊

Anyways, ya’ll know how much I love it when my friends treat me as if I am a girl, because I get to experience some vicarious Ness.

Today I am Miss Tarnished.

SARD: Part 11 – Confused Relationships

Do problems within relationships dictate your sexuality?
In a word: No.  I don’t believe relationships dictate sexual preference, but I do think knowing what direction you are oriented will help you determine the type of relationship you would/should have. If you are aware of your attractions, then it only stands to reason that you are going to pursue those with whom you are attracted. Right?
Well, for me, in life, there was one major caveat: I did not know or understand my sexuality. I didn’t understand that my attractions to both guys and girls was a normal part of human sexuality. I always felt ashamed for my attractions, because of the things I was taught about human relationships while I was growing up.  Couple this aspect of my sexual development with the molestation I was victimized by, it is no wonder I might have been confused about relationships and sexuality.  I approached everything logically and when I began hearing, “It’s wrong to be gay” or “Men and women are meant to be married”, I dealt with it in a logical manner – I suppressed my feelings because I did not want to be wrong.
I’ve mentioned in previous posts, that I never bothered having a romantic relationship with a guy, because it was not going to happen. But I always felt like my relationships with women were utter failures. There were things that would occur that I couldn’t comprehend, I couldn’t make sense of these things. I always felt like girls didn’t like me, but because I was disposed to thinking that same-sex relationships were wrong, I began to believe that the reasons girls didn’t like me was because I was ugly, not popular enough, not funny enough, not ideal in some shape or form. In fact, I was so bad with my self-esteem, that I would latch onto any girl that would pay attention to me.  I felt desperate for relationships at times.
I don’t mean to sound like I’m knocking adult entertainers, but I even dated a couple of strippers.  At the time, I was living with my grandparents and I remember my grandmother asking me things like, “Are you desperate for attention?” I didn’t think I was, but it iwas certainly a possibility and looking back on it, I can’t help but think it was true.  I was always the type that got into relationships fast and typically long lasting.  In fact, I have NEVER ended a relationship. It was always the girl or woman I was with that would end the relationship. I have a difficult time being able to tell what I need in a relationship, because I tend to give up myself to the relationship and doing everything I can to make it work.
In fact, I was in high school and dated a girl that I Felt I was in total love. She cheated on me, a couple of times, with friends of mine. Each time, I promised to take her back and forgive her. Each time I hurt tremendously. The night of my senior prom, she chose to go with someone else and told me by saying, “There is no way you can forgive me, it’ll be easy now, but when things get tough, you’ll remember how I hurt you.”  Looking back on it, it was the biggest cop-out in the world, but that was the kind of bullshit, I would subject myself to in the interest of being in love.
Why am I mentioning this, with respect to being bisexual?  Well, because later in life, when I began to look at myself critically and question the reality of my sexuality, I had to ask myself if some of these women or girls saw something in me that I didn’t see myself? Was there some subtle, sub-conscious part of their brains that said, “Hey. He is not the guy for you, because he might suck dick as well as you”? Were they able to tell, without being able to know it?
This sort of questioning had a lot to do with how I came to terms with my sexuality. The ability to understand the kind of relationship I needed, might have had a lot to do with how I accepted myself. Maybe, if I had understood that my attractions were not unnatural, maybe I would have found a relationship that was more conducive to my needs. This is a question I may never know the answer.