Failing Myself?

I am feeling down today.

I had a friend email me and ask if I am feeling calm today.  I am, but I’m not feeling good. Depression has a calming effect on me, and when I am down, I am the exact opposite of when I am anxious. I had this overwhelming sense of life not being happy, lacking excitement, lacking…

…passion…

I wrote something a couple of weeks ago about getting reacquainted with something I love. I really miss being healthy and I really miss doing the things that keep me active and enjoying life.  I haven’t been active in the things I love, for so incredibly long.  I want it all back.

Where does this depression come from, you might ask?  Well, I read something yesterday about the success rates of AA versus the success rates of people that practice moderation in their drinking. And it made me question if I really am an alcoholic or if I really am in need of AA. And I don’t believe I am an alcoholic, and I have always felt that AA had a cultish feel to it. I don’t mind the essence of the program, but the cramming of a higher power down your throat gets to be too much at times.

Last night, after work, I felt like having a beer. I knew the milestone of 30 days of sobriety is fast approaching and I find the little coins you get kinda cute and I like collecting things (I’m not a hoarder…I promise). But I was questioning the reality of my so-called alcoholism. I made a habit of only drinking three beers in a sitting, but I recognized I was doing it every single day.  I was contemplating last night that I might not actually be an alcoholic, because the main reason I wanted a beer last night was to kill time. I wasn’t obsessing over it, like I had before, but I did feel like having one.  I thought about that boredom a little more and realized I’m bored, because I stopped doing the things I love a long time ago, to try and appease someone else.

And then it hit me…I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, I think I’m lamenting a lost love.  But that lost love hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just that I fell away from her.  I want my health back and I want to feel good about myself. That’s all I want. I just want to feel good and I know what makes me feel good.  But I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, boundaries that are respected.

I did not go have a beer last night, but I went to bed feeling like I needed to wrap my arms around myself, but knowing I can’t. I can’t because I am not being true to myself.  Yes, I am taking a job back home, but I have some apprehensions about it and I feel like I am walking a fine line. But I want to exercise, I want to eat write and I want to do the things that are needed to get where I WANT to be. And I felt like that beer, was no more than a chocolate bar…it was something I need to be careful with, not because I feel addicted, but because I feel like it’s not going to serve my greater desire.

I miss my self-discipline, and I miss my love of health. I think when I get home, I want to begin working out again. I think I want to feel really good. I think I want to keep making changes, not because there is a possibility that I might be an alcoholic, but because I want to feel self-worth.

I want to feel sexy.

I want to feel healthy.

I want to feel important.

I want to feel good.

I want to feel passion.

And maybe, someday, I might be nice to myself and treat myself to a beer. I’ll take that issue up at a later date, but mostly because I’m not yet sure of myself.

I’m on day 27, by the way.

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32 thoughts on “Failing Myself?”

  1. Day 27!!! Woot woot.

    I was never officially an alcoholic, but I did have an alcohol abuse problem. There is a difference between abuse and true alcoholism.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well the DSM is pretty clear on the definition of abuse and addiction. Addiction results in tolerance and withdrawal. That is the literal definition of addiction in the DSM. Abuse is more you use it inappropriately. I used to binge drink and drink every day, and while I never went through withdrawals or DTs or tremors, I did enjoy my drinks every day. Maybe AA isn’t for you. It wasn’t for me. I got to the point where I could control it on my own because of one thing–I was aware I was abusing it. So I cut back. But don’t bring out Fireball, I have issues with that :). However, it’s really a personal thing. My dad is an alcoholic. He went to rehab, AA, the whole thing. He has cut back significantly on his drinking, but still does drink sometimes. And one of the things I’ve learned about alcoholics is that they can’t drink like “normies.” They can’t just have a few, its either 0 or 100mph. That’s another way to tell.

        Liked by 3 people

      2. But yes–it is a crutch. A self medication crutch. That’s how I used it too. That doesn’t necessarily mean you are a raging alcoholic. It’s actually petting normal. DISCLAIMER: I AM NOT ENCOURAGING YOU TO DRINK 😉 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I know this about alcoholism or not alcoholism, but I just want to encourage you to try to love yourself. I know it might sound hoaky, but I truly believe that once you’re in a place where you love who you are at the core, then you won’t want to abuse alcohol because you’ll see it as abusing yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this post. You do deserve love and passion and good health and all of it. And you know what it’s going to take and you’re starting to do what it takes to get it. Keep going. I don’t want to tell you what to do about drinking because only you know exactly what that feels like. Whatever the case, wishing you success in all those goals you’ve set before yourself. Tackle them one at a time. Take note of all your victories, be they big or small. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I feel like once we start taking care of ourselves , eating better , and working out we can make better decisions when it comes to our drinking if we are abusers of alcohol. When we take care of ourselves we start to think more clear. Take baby steps and start working on things one at a time , small progress is better than no progress. Good luck ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I will sound like a broken record… 😊 You are important, know that. You do need to take care of yourself so you can feel good again. When that happens you will not feel guilty about socially having a beer. It will not be your crutch, but something you enjoy with friends without abuse. I believe in you. 😘

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Completely understand and I am right there with you. I wish I were on day 27, instead I am on Day zero. I did the whole AA thing eons ago and when I went by myself and just listened at the speaker meetings I did great. When I got a sponsor I started feeling the cult part and ultimately I quit AA because of it. I went through the whole wondering if I was really an alcoholic too. In the end I decided I abuse it.

    Right now I just want to feel better and continue rediscovering things I love.

    I also agree 100% about meditation!

    Whatever the case, I am praying for you and cheering you on!!! Woot Woot, 27 days is phenomenal! 👍

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Is it really that important at this particular point to determine if you truly are an alcoholic or not? Don’t get me wrong and I don’t mean that in a mean way but what does it determine for you? Will it make you feel any better one way or another? I feel you shouldn’t torture yourself with the what if’s and redirect your focus.
    You are doing awesome and you will have good and more challenging days. Focus on what you know and what you want to achieve. You want to be healthy. That’s the main thing, the only thing to think about. You want to feel good. Well, that will come with being healthy. You want to feel sexy. That will also come with being healthy. So instead of questioning yourself, go ahead and do take up exercise and eat better. Implement small steps, one thing at a time and once you got that down, you can add to it. This way it won’t be so overwhelming. Come on, you are strong and you got this. I’m counting on you.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Think of AA as a safety net. It’s there if you really need some extra help. The spiritual aspect is something you need to figure out for yourself. It’s not a cult, there is no leader. Everyone is free to come and go as they please.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I find the writing very therapeutic. I do AA, but there are times I find myself declaring B.S. on things too. All I know is that there is some reason I should not be drinking today and until I can figure out the problem, I won’t drink.

      Liked by 1 person

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