God, Goddess, Spirituality, Religion, or Anything Else that Baffles me

I’m bisexual (Actually, after re-reading this link, I’m surprised at some of the truth in that post that is being presented here again) – for those of you that have not made that connection just yet. And I have a bit of apprehension about my own acceptance, let alone how I am accepted by others.

I feel a need to point that out and admit my own insecurity on the matter. Obviously, it’s no laughing matter, but I have noticed that I have had a preponderance of new followers that happen to have blogs with distinctly Christian themes. I’m not complaining, because I’ll take friendship whenever it is offered, but it has left me wondering if these folks have seen my writings, since I discuss my sexuality quite often.Β  It makes me wonder if there is some ulterior motive to wanting to interact with me, since there are plenty of people out there that don’t particularly care for people of my persuasion. But it also makes me think of something else, something that I have been pondering for a few days now.

You see, I’ve never been one to be blatantly open about my sexuality (although it is pretty easy to do online), but it is something I have worked on accepting in myself. But as I become more sober, and listen to the things being said at AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings, I begin to question what my relationship to a God, a Goddess or whatever Higher Power there should be. I begin to think about the expectations of others in their systems of faith and I think about my own catholic upbringing. In AA, you are encouraged to find a “God, however you may conceive of him” or a “Higher Power of your understanding”. And the truth of the matter is that the only God I understand is the one that would condemn a lifestyle of alternative sexuality. The people in AA meetings suggest praying and asking that God to reveal Himself to you. And it troubles me a little.

I follow a blog of an amazing womanΒ who discusses her recovery from an eating disorder and she is highly inspirational. She posted a piece yesterday where she discusses what she feels could have been her responsibility in revealing her own faith among her peers and friends. My interpretation of what she wrote is that she feels responsible to speak up about her faith to be a guide to those who question. It is a motivational way to look at oneself, and I would be lying, if I said that this post did not make me think a little more about my own life. I am moved to ponder the realities of the existence of a god.

Growing up, I had never questioned the existence of a god. I tried my best to follow some catholic traditions and I felt that everything my parents had taught me was the way I needed to live. But my parents also had no clue about my sexual tendencies, so it wasn’t questioned much. In previous posts, I had expressed that I felt my sexuality was something I could control and that it was a manifestation of the human plight upon earth. I rationalized that I should just ignore these tendencies as a result of being victimized or as part of human nature that needs to be corrected. So, I never felt like god was not real.

Life, however, has happened and there have been many more things that I have experienced, that creates in me a distinct doubt in a god. I have pondered the nature of a god, and wondered if that god should be interpreted as a goddess. I have questioned the existence of a plurality of gods. I have considered a more nature-centered god. I have been comfortable with scientific knowledge as a god. But in my world view, everything has fallen short. There are so many things I could discuss that make me ponder the existence of a god, but they all fall short in my understanding.

I can even hear oldtimers of an AA group saying, “If none of this has worked for you, then maybe you should find a different god” or “There is a God and you ain’t it”. I have been praying again, and asking for direction about this reality in my life. And, as my life changes again, I know it’ll be a disappointing reality to those I care about in my life, if I do not believe in a God. I know that members of the AA groups I attend encourage me to find a Higher Power that I can conceive.

I can’t seem to get over that hump mental hump. How can I be accepted as I am? How can I possibly feel fulfilled? I’m married too, and not interested in a relationship outside of my marriage, so why should it even matter?Β  The thoughts, the self-doubts, the mental debate that occurs in my head over such matters is the reality of my existence. I want to change, but will that change come at a great personal cost to me?

And it makes me question whether or not I have been wrong the whole time…an entire 44 years of life.

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45 thoughts on “God, Goddess, Spirituality, Religion, or Anything Else that Baffles me”

  1. We have some similarities in this topic as you know. We are both bisexual, raised in Catholic families and currently married in a ‘straight’ relationship.
    My post this week was exactly about this funnily enough.
    My conclusion is that even seemingly straight, I am not and never will be. I can’t be part of a church that would exclude me if I had fallen for the other gender, which was very much a possibility.
    I believe in God, my higher power, but he(or she) is not part of a traditional church.
    Of course that’s my personal choice and you have to make your own. πŸ’—

    Liked by 3 people

  2. hi, I am a new follower of yours because I feel like I understand what you are going through, I’ve been there. It makes me look at where I am now, being 20 years your senior.
    If I may be so bold, I invite you to read, the few posts I have made …. I’ve just started πŸ™‚
    I write about a time I walked away from everything that I knew as my life except my kids and of course my God. I was in leadership at my church, so was my husband, all my friends were there, everyone I associated with was there, however, my best friend and I fell madly deeply truly in love with each other.
    My marriage wasn’t great – hadn’t been for years and even though I tried not to I looked around. We did counseling over and over, I couldn’t get my feelings to change. It is true what they say, “you can’t help who you love or don’t love.”
    However, I never, ever, ever thought I’d find the love of my life in a woman!
    Sexuality is not as cut and dry as people seem to want or need to believe. I believe it should be more about the person and not their gender that you fall in love with.
    I’m married to a beautiful woman but I’d consider myself “straight” because generally I’m more attracted to men, but I’m very picky who I do find attractive. I’m happily married and not looking anymore at all, so it doesn’t really matter what my sexual preference is …. right. As long as one is happy, why should anyone else care how you find love. It’s Simple About Love – right?

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I have witnessed gay friends struggle with feeling that God does not accept them because the congregation they grew up in would not have. Or have pulled the old “love the sinner, hate the sin” thing. To me, the Bible is the best interpretation at the time of God’s “word” as transcribed 2,000 years ago. There is a lot in there we have since agreed is not cool. Or even Christian. There is a congregation that will accept you as you are if you want to worship with others. Worship with others is not required if it’s not your thing. I am only throwing in my 2 cents to say don’t let the politics of religion steal something you value. If your beliefs evolve to not identify with a deity at all, that’s fine too. Just don’t let narrow minded people define you or your spiritual truth. I have a bisexual friend in Baptist seminary and she sees no conflict bc SHE does not interpret the faith to include homophobia.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. For me, I tend to get closer to God when I stop trying to understand and start trying to accept.

    I also think it’s OK to sit down with a blank piece of paper and just write things that we think God should be. Then, just write God at the top of the paper and call that your God.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I am Catholic but I work in a liberal Baptist church that is “welcoming and affirming of the LGBT community”, in fact, tons of the members there are gay and probably bi too. I am very spiritual and intuitive as you all ready know by reading my blog entries. I have always felt from the age of wee-tot on that it’s not my job to judge people, period. I could care less what anyone’s sexual preference or practice is, only that whomever the person may be is treats others in the same manner he/she wishes to be treated. I love reading your blogs because you are so honest and open and I value that in a person! Keep on keeping on, mistah. You are doing great!

    Liked by 3 people

  6. I used to be a hater of people with different sexual orientation. Still, I dislike the idea of public “coming-outs”(because in my opinion such issues are too personal to be wide-spread) and gays do make me feel somewhat uneasy, though I don’t care about and actually like lesbians. I think it’s the matter of aesthetic, no offence intended.
    When it comes to gods, I think that whoever they are, they don’t care if you are “straight” or not. I wouldn’t care either, it’s your thing.
    What I want to say is, well… Don’t hate yourself. If it troubles you, but you know it’s a part of your nature that cannot be erased, then embrace it. It may help you, somehow. Somewhere. We never know what awaits us.
    In my opinion, true gods don’t judge. They love their creation.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Life is a complicated business, we never know where we going to end up. I guess the best way is to navigate which ever way the storms and the flows take us and try not to cause hurt along the way (next to impossible, us being human, but at least try not to make a life-choice out of it).
    I was bought up in a UK Christian family, converted to Catholicism ten years ago, drawn towards the beliefs and the worship. How anyone else reaches their god is their choice, I don’t consider myself better or superior to anyone else. From my understandings of The Bible when you take the whole context and bear in mind quite a bit of the OT is allegorical and philosophical discourse none of us can pass judgement on another unless they are causing some sort of harm to another, and even then we’ve got to make certain we aren’t being hypocrites!
    So strive on friend I hope you find happiness, love and contentment.
    Best wishes
    Roger

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I have never been an alcoholic but I have had many relatives who were and still are one. I am not a person who believes in a religion or culture as a whole and that each human should follow it or something, I believe in having free will, will to choose and to live. Anyone else who says otherwise I don’t care about it. I let them be. Although many times people have tried to break that in me and even if I broke down I came out stronger than ever and I am so happy πŸ˜€ hehe Stupid happy, you know what I mean? I just love life and at the end of the day I don’t mind someone’s sexuality… That’s not even something to be angry about, someone’s sexuality is their own choice and not even an issue.

    Well, my comment is getting long. Sorry, I made this my thought ground. Thanks for this article and hey, you are awesome human being, LIVE LIFE KING SIZE! Be Your OWN HERO.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I think there is much to be said about all of this and there is no a one fits all answer. You had disappointing things happen in your life and they cause you to question much, in addition to if there is a god or higher power. For myself I do try to hang on to something positive, whatever that is and it saves me from becoming a negative person in a world that often kicks you in the teeth. But if there is no belief….where will that leave you? It’s something we all have to decide. And as far as the shallow people that pass judgement about you…..you know what I think about them. Brush it off, they are not worth it. Hugs

    Liked by 2 people

  10. Personally, I’m on a pantheon-type of understanding. There have been too many weird incidences in my personal life for me to discount the appearance of a higher power- however, I think that higher power is definitely not singular. I believe that when I started taking control of my own life, the universe stepped in and I began to see what was really happening around me, spiritually. I can never go back to the Church- I was raised evangelical Christian and it has left wide scars on my soul. I’m healing but it’s taking its time. I totally understand your struggle, I’ve been there myself and it really really hurt. Finding others who think the same way (similar as well) as I do has really helped. Good luck 😊
    19 x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Am sorry you got hurt. So sorry. May God continue to heal you. Just keep in mind that every human being is flawed. I have gotten hurt too but I have understood that my relationship with God is more important than anybody so I pursue that. I want to know God who created me.

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      1. I really object to the sentence, “May God continue to heal you.” I’m sorry if this goes against what you believe, but I have been my own healing agent. Evangelical Christianity robbed all of us in this system of a sense of self worth due to statements of this nature as it stops human beings from actually understanding that they have the power to change how they react to things. That’s how healing works. Pursuing a relationship with God cost us our sanity at age fifteen and sixteen, and we have struggled to re-build our sanity and sense of reality since then. Please be careful with your words, as not everyone is able to read them without feeling frightened, hurt or upset. I understand that you don’t do this to hurt intentionally, but triggers exist and for a lot of people, Christianity is a big trigger. I hope you understand. 26 x

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Not a problem. My intention as you clearly stated was not to hurt you. I don’t know what Evangelical Christianity means. I read my bible and follow Jesus. Some stuff I see is interesting to say the least. As for me, I have a relationship with Jesus and that is not something I can stop talking about. I still have a sense of self worth. I still love myself to bits and pieces and I love God at the same time. I have been humiliated and called names. Told all sorts of things and at the end, regardless of how I got hurt, I knew there was someone who cared about me more than anyone else in this world and that is Jesus. So, am sorry if I am disappointing you right now but I cannot stop talking about Jesus. However, in the future, when I comment on your posts, I will refrain from talking about God. I do understand you and I hope you understand me too.

          Liked by 1 person

        2. Not a problem. My intention as you clearly stated was not to hurt you. I don’t know what Evangelical Christianity means. I read my bible and follow Jesus. Some stuff I see is interesting to say the least. As for me, I have a relationship with Jesus and that is not something I can stop talking about. I still have a sense of self worth. I still love myself to bits and pieces and I love God at the same time. I have been humiliated and called names. Told all sorts of things and at the end, regardless of how I got hurt, I knew there was someone who cared about me more than anyone else in this world and that is Jesus. So, am sorry if I am disappointing you right now but I cannot stop talking about Jesus. However, in the future, when I comment on your posts, I will refrain from talking about God. I do understand you and I hope you understand me too

          Liked by 1 person

  11. Hi, I think a lot of people are turning away from organised religion for one reason or another. In a few decades, relgion will lose and spirituality will win. Speaking from the standpoint of Indian culture, seeking of truth and liberation is the highest goal, not seeking of a God or Goddess. Seek the higher intelligence within.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Well I’m not a guru so wouldn’t be right for me to guide anyone but these days, there’s so much on the Internet. So many enlightened gurus have put up You Tube videos. You can find one that resonates with you. There’s Sadhguru, Mooji, eckhart tolle. Otherwise there’s a lot of literature out there too. Depends on what path resonates best with you- devotion or knowledge or selfless work or yoga/meditation. There are many paths and if you truly seek and ask your questions, these days answers are available at a mouse click πŸ™‚

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Thanks for sharing. Many people ask themselves about God. Believing in God is a matter of faith. Without faith, it is really hard to believe let alone understand God exists. When I look at how a human being functions, the way the heart pumps blood, how the body can used oxygen and removed CO2. I mean, have you ever asked yourself out of all the gases found in the atmosphere, Nitrogen – 78 percent, Oxygen – 21 percent and yet our body uses the oxygen. The way we are created is wonderful. There is so much evidence of God. There is a class I took in college and I remember there were a lot of arguments about the existence of God. I asked my professor whether there were the same number of arguments about the existence of the Satan. He said he did not know? One thing I know that there is a difference in my life since I surrendered my life to Jesus. I cannot explain it to you but I can tell you there is a difference. My advice to you, read the bible and ask God to reveal himself to you. God is love.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I am so moved by your honesty and questioning. I think humans are more comfortable with systems and equations than mystery. We have created a lot of painful systems and equations. It is really hard to change our beliefs about ourselves, others, and our God. You are doing the good work of asking hard questions. I have often heard AA is real church, honoring both our brokenness and our hope. I have no answers, but a resounding you are not alone. I believe in the God of the Bible, but I also think sometimes we need to let that pressure go. I don’t think God wants our pity belief or our thoughtless belief. Ask questions, seek truth, seek love, embrace the mystery. It’s all a process, albeit sometimes messy. Some people I have found incredibly helpful on my journey of spirituality are Science Mike, Richard Rohr, Rob Bell, and Momastery/Glennon Doyle Melton. I don’t agree with everything they all say, but they invite you in to the questioning and grace really well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Again, I really appreciate you adding to this conversation. It’s been a while, since I visited this topic, but I think it might be time to assess where I am at the moment and see what can be built upon. If I get the chance, I’ll refer to the sources you have mentioned to gain more insight.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Awesome. Definitely keep me posted if you do. Or even if you don’t and want to talk more about this stuff. I feel like people can get really pushy, and I know for me it has been hard to find healthy, respectful, engaging, and authentic conversations about spirituality, faith, and how it all relates to humanity. I have great respect for your questioning and how you have brought it up in a humble, open, and engaging way. It sounds like you have been ostracized and judged based on your sexuality and journey, and I would encourage you in that to check out the United Church of Christ. http://www.douglasucc.org/pastor That is one of the churches in my area. I haven’t attended that one but they have a married homosexual pastor who has written a book on homosexuality. That link should be to some info about him. I have always felt different and alone, even though I am a heterosexual, white female. In that, however, I have found church is often painful and pulls me away from my strong belief in Love and redemption. I have been so thankful more recently to find my tribe, to find people that believe in God, love God fiercely, and in that love humans fiercely. Thanks again for your authenticity and inviting us in. I am so thankful that you exist, and you are offering a huge gift by authentically and openly giving words to your questions, ideas, and hopes.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I would characterize that as feeling ostracized… Secret shame that we feel guilt over feeling or a need to hide seems no less painful to me than public shame or being openly ostracized. The concept that we feel we have to hide in order to be accepted is, to me, heartbreak.

            Liked by 1 person

              1. My whole life I have felt weird and inadequate. I am working through a lot of that now with the help of an amazing counselor, but the work has helped me understand how painful life is when we constantly berate ourselves for not being good enough and consistently live in our shame. When I started teaching yoga it helped me to begin resting in the tension and imperfection of life, as well as realizing that all of life is practice. Self-love/self-care/not being an ass to myself has been a messy and ridiculous process, but I am still practicing. It’s for some reason often easier for us to honor other people’s inherent worth than our own. On the flip side, I think we’re often blamed for creating our own internal hell and encouraged to think more positively or pray the right prayer or whatever the equation may be to fix us, but if that doesn’t work for you, you’re left to feel even more ashamed. I think that’s a huge disservice to humanity. Hence, all of my annoying rants. Sorry… Brene Brown is amazing when it comes to shame. She has a few great books and an awesome TED talk. Unfortunately, shame and religion are very intertwined.

                Liked by 1 person

  14. Feel blessed as you ever you are. I’m sure, that’s how your Creator would want you to feel. And since no one has seen their God, don’t listen to people what they say to you in his name.

    You are bisexual, I take it as a gift, perhaps a little hard to live with, but I confirm as a Male, there’s not any less pride in it than living as males or females. Don’t let any male tell you otherwise.

    I also confirm you are more loved than I as a male could ever be loved by Him. You are somehow the secret recipe to connect the gender issues, I don’t understand how, but I can feel it somehow is all I can confirm.

    I will readily answer any question you have, if I could, about God, if I understand anything positive about Him. Let me know okay, Love!

    Liked by 1 person

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