I’m bisexual (Actually, after re-reading this link, I’m surprised at some of the truth in that post that is being presented here again) – for those of you that have not made that connection just yet. And I have a bit of apprehension about my own acceptance, let alone how I am accepted by others.
I feel a need to point that out and admit my own insecurity on the matter. Obviously, it’s no laughing matter, but I have noticed that I have had a preponderance of new followers that happen to have blogs with distinctly Christian themes. I’m not complaining, because I’ll take friendship whenever it is offered, but it has left me wondering if these folks have seen my writings, since I discuss my sexuality quite often. It makes me wonder if there is some ulterior motive to wanting to interact with me, since there are plenty of people out there that don’t particularly care for people of my persuasion. But it also makes me think of something else, something that I have been pondering for a few days now.
You see, I’ve never been one to be blatantly open about my sexuality (although it is pretty easy to do online), but it is something I have worked on accepting in myself. But as I become more sober, and listen to the things being said at AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings, I begin to question what my relationship to a God, a Goddess or whatever Higher Power there should be. I begin to think about the expectations of others in their systems of faith and I think about my own catholic upbringing. In AA, you are encouraged to find a “God, however you may conceive of him” or a “Higher Power of your understanding”. And the truth of the matter is that the only God I understand is the one that would condemn a lifestyle of alternative sexuality. The people in AA meetings suggest praying and asking that God to reveal Himself to you. And it troubles me a little.
I follow a blog of an amazing woman who discusses her recovery from an eating disorder and she is highly inspirational. She posted a piece yesterday where she discusses what she feels could have been her responsibility in revealing her own faith among her peers and friends. My interpretation of what she wrote is that she feels responsible to speak up about her faith to be a guide to those who question. It is a motivational way to look at oneself, and I would be lying, if I said that this post did not make me think a little more about my own life. I am moved to ponder the realities of the existence of a god.
Growing up, I had never questioned the existence of a god. I tried my best to follow some catholic traditions and I felt that everything my parents had taught me was the way I needed to live. But my parents also had no clue about my sexual tendencies, so it wasn’t questioned much. In previous posts, I had expressed that I felt my sexuality was something I could control and that it was a manifestation of the human plight upon earth. I rationalized that I should just ignore these tendencies as a result of being victimized or as part of human nature that needs to be corrected. So, I never felt like god was not real.
Life, however, has happened and there have been many more things that I have experienced, that creates in me a distinct doubt in a god. I have pondered the nature of a god, and wondered if that god should be interpreted as a goddess. I have questioned the existence of a plurality of gods. I have considered a more nature-centered god. I have been comfortable with scientific knowledge as a god. But in my world view, everything has fallen short. There are so many things I could discuss that make me ponder the existence of a god, but they all fall short in my understanding.
I can even hear oldtimers of an AA group saying, “If none of this has worked for you, then maybe you should find a different god” or “There is a God and you ain’t it”. I have been praying again, and asking for direction about this reality in my life. And, as my life changes again, I know it’ll be a disappointing reality to those I care about in my life, if I do not believe in a God. I know that members of the AA groups I attend encourage me to find a Higher Power that I can conceive.
I can’t seem to get over that hump mental hump. How can I be accepted as I am? How can I possibly feel fulfilled? I’m married too, and not interested in a relationship outside of my marriage, so why should it even matter? The thoughts, the self-doubts, the mental debate that occurs in my head over such matters is the reality of my existence. I want to change, but will that change come at a great personal cost to me?
And it makes me question whether or not I have been wrong the whole time…an entire 44 years of life.