Today marks the 24th period that is divided up into 24 hours that I have not had a drink.
Why do I mention it this way instead of just claiming 24 days? Well, anyone that has gone to an AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meeting can tell you that it is highly recommended that you only focus on the 24 hours in THIS day – not the next day, not the day after that, not the week after that, or the month after that, next year, 3 years or any other time in the future.
Well, today I am struggling a little. I am tense, my breathing is short and labored. It’s not a physical ailment I have, however, but the familiar onset of an anxious mind. I feel my vision narrow and expand, I feel my neck tense and release. I notice at times I am clenching my teeth and I notice myself holding my breath inadvertently. My head feels like this skin around it is tightening. I feel hungry, thirsty, a need to satisfy some urge I can’t describe. Even writing about it at the moment isn’t helping. The tenseness of my body, my mind, my chest, my heart, my soul…it is almost indescribable the feeling I am having. I feel all of the familiar things that I used to want to go numb with a beer. I feel myself experiencing the phenomena known as “white-knuckling it”.
I have a lot on my mind today and I can’t concentrate, or think about all of the new changes I’m going to have happen over the next several days. I had mentioned I will be taking a new job that is closer to home and I can’t let go of the fear and worry that is gripping my mind. It’s not just the job, it’s coming home to family, friends, people…so many things, places I know and all of the things that were there previously that had caused me stress before. I need to find a way to deal with it all.
I just want to know comfort, confidence, peace, a sense of the so-called serenity.
I need to make it though.
This is the test.
This is the critical point that I can prove to myself that I can overcome this temptation. This is the time when I put this 24 hour period to the test.
I have to get through today.