I Really, Really, Really want a beer.

Earlier, I posted an update on what’s been going on over the past few days. But I would be lying, if I didn’t say I am filled with so much anxiety, doubt, second-guessing and worrying. Last Sunday, I was craving a beer so bad, I actually got a headache. It was like pressure built up in my brain from the feeling that only a beer could calm me down.

The major thing I’m concerned about is the fact that the job doesn’t pay for the lifestyle I have built (ironic word to use, considering it feels like everything is teetering on the edge). My current expenses are high enough, that the new job won’t cover everything, which means there are quite a few things I’ll need to eliminate or find a way to increase my income. Back when I was unemployed, I was driving for a ride-share and made a little extra money, but it makes me worry about the wear and tear on my car. I know that I will need to eliminate things and work another job, until some debts are cleared up.

Sometimes I really struggle with understanding what I’ll be most happy about. And it makes me want to drink beer.

Today, I am finishing…

…day 19.

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49 thoughts on “I Really, Really, Really want a beer.”

  1. If you want to drink then drink. No point trying if you haven’t finished or you want to self destruct and don’t care about who else is affected. I only stopped because I was done and was stuffed. Everyone left me and my self pity no longer served me. Alcohol finished with me and I was given life by the grace of something I don’t understand. It was not handed to me. I had to go out and get it. For several years I was lonely and dog shit to most people yet no longer would I drink because if I was going to die I was at least going to die with some dignity and not going back to the person I was who lost everything.
    Good luck. No one is responsible for our successes or failure if we don’t make them so. Alcohol and all methods of destructive escaping lead to a nowhere that takes all time. We as alchies can’t be told though πŸ˜…πŸ˜† We aren’t stupid people. It is a bastard of a disease. On my dying day something made me see how I had effected others

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Why would you tell a person who is trying to remain sober to “drink if he wants to drink?”

      Just curious, maybe I’m missunderstandin​g it as being a joke.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m not speaking for him, but I have heard other alcoholics say it, because there is an idea that you need to reach a point of desperation in order to have a change occur. I took it for what it is: a stark reminder of what could happen.

        Liked by 1 person

            1. I had to hit the bottom. Hopefully you get off before I did πŸ˜‰ But also, you have to be ready and want it. Also, one of the most powerful thing someone said to me:

              Relapse is part of Recovery.

              So if you find yourself relapsing, it doesn’t mean you’ve messed yourself up out of recovery. It’s just a part of the cycle. ❀

              Liked by 1 person

                    1. Isn’t that what we all want?

                      It might be, it might not. Either way, you will soldier on, pick yourself up when you fall, and move on. It’s life.

                      It fucking sucks doing this whole life thing sometimes haha

                      Liked by 1 person

      2. Because it helped me when I had to make a choice. No one is responsible for anyone else. Addiction is not a game and unfortunately the results are often easy to see. Plenty of angry people will always make someone else responsible. Enabling without knowing what one is doing can kill the assistance too. I live in a country where we are in the surf a lot. Trying to save a drowning man often results in a double fatality

        Liked by 2 people

        1. Thank you for clarifying. That makes sense now that you can explain. It’s not how my brain works, but I can definitely see the validity of your point. Enabling is truly a disease in and of itself, but that’s why it’s important the family gets treatment as well as those with addictions.

          Liked by 2 people

          1. Maybe. Cheers. You have to stand your ground and fight to save your life. Even then that is no guarantee. Addiction is a bastard mongrel disease. It has been with us for thousands of years. We are mostly good people getting sicker. I don’t appreciate the legal system making money from getting bad behaving people who create more stigma against real addicts and mentally ill. Typically our families and loved ones cop the brunt

            Liked by 2 people

              1. Thanks very much. I most certainly will. I will no doubt relate though the health system in Australia is no doubt different from yours if you are in the US. Dr Eleanor Longden of Liverpool university is doing some great work currently

                Liked by 2 people

                  1. Have had a battle for a while. Had a big win last year. The game is turning. I was committed when I was 18 and since then did everything possible to recover. It seemed some parties had an interest in me (and many others) never getting well. Things are changing. Thanks for the link.

                    Liked by 2 people

      1. People would have killed us with kindness. The highway to hell is often paved with good intentions. A lot lot of do gooders will usually disappear before having to clean up their mess or won’t have the ability to. When you get through this mate your past will be your greatest asset

        Liked by 2 people

  2. Tar, You got this. Go to a meeting if you need to. Do you have a sponsor yet? I’ve had alcohol abuse problems in the past that I seem to go through different phases of bingeing and then not drinking. It’s hard but it’s the drinking that is detrimental to your health, not the moving home.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Definitely. A support system is key. So it will be good to be with family and stuff. I also think you are a great writer, so I bet you could find a way to make income from that πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

          1. I don’t either. We can learn together! Something about SEOs and ads and affiliates. I wish I was on my phone so I could make the googly eyed face.

            Liked by 1 person

  3. You’re overthinking again. Yes, there are financial issues but put it all on a spreadsheet and work out what the easiest and quickest cuts would be. Do them quickly.
    Whatever is left to cover, try to sort out with the other options.
    Be rational and don’t stress that much.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve opted to decrease expenses. It was hard, but ultimately made such a difference in my anxiety. Also? Less stuff means less anxiety. Funny, how that works.

    I’ve a long way to go, but I’ll get there. I try not let the shame of being 32, having a pretty damned good income, yet having consumer debt distract me from what I need to do. Yes, I have roommates so that I can live on the cheap and pay down my debts. At 32. Yes, I take public transportation. Yes, I am a flake and have the financial maturity of a 4 year old, but I will get there one day.

    And 19 days is a helluva lot of days. Keep it up.

    Liked by 1 person

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