…is that there are days when I just can’t seem to escape it. I feel like I live in a world without routine. I tend to thrive off routine and I am missing it somehow and I am beginning to think that I have swapped the lack of routine with the routine of negativity, depression, anxiety and alcohol. Today I feel like I don’t know what to do with myself. I made a list, yesterday, of things I wanted to get done today. But I haven’t done any of it.
I’m really not sure what’s wrong anymore. I should (There’s that damned “should” again…) be feeling better, since I haven’t been drinking. But today, I am not feeling better. I’m feeling pent up, with a lot of emotion and rage and feer and discontent and I don’t feel like I have an outlet.
I hate the ups and downs I feel.
I don’t like the impatience I’ve developed for the change I want.
I don’t know how to stay the course anymore.
I’ve lost something…
Something I don’t know how to find or where to look.
I have this feeling like I should be doing something important, but it’s not the other important things I should be doing (That sounds like a big circle-jerk, but it’s how I feel).
It’s so bad, right at the moment, I have this pressing urge to get up from my desk, walk out and drive away…
…in spite of the fact that this job is my only source of income at the moment.