I am feeling down today.
I had a friend email me and ask if I am feeling calm today. I am, but I’m not feeling good. Depression has a calming effect on me, and when I am down, I am the exact opposite of when I am anxious. I had this overwhelming sense of life not being happy, lacking excitement, lacking…
I wrote something a couple of weeks ago about getting reacquainted with something I love. I really miss being healthy and I really miss doing the things that keep me active and enjoying life. I haven’t been active in the things I love, for so incredibly long. I want it all back.
Where does this depression come from, you might ask? Well, I read something yesterday about the success rates of AA versus the success rates of people that practice moderation in their drinking. And it made me question if I really am an alcoholic or if I really am in need of AA. And I don’t believe I am an alcoholic, and I have always felt that AA had a cultish feel to it. I don’t mind the essence of the program, but the cramming of a higher power down your throat gets to be too much at times.
Last night, after work, I felt like having a beer. I knew the milestone of 30 days of sobriety is fast approaching and I find the little coins you get kinda cute and I like collecting things (I’m not a hoarder…I promise). But I was questioning the reality of my so-called alcoholism. I made a habit of only drinking three beers in a sitting, but I recognized I was doing it every single day. I was contemplating last night that I might not actually be an alcoholic, because the main reason I wanted a beer last night was to kill time. I wasn’t obsessing over it, like I had before, but I did feel like having one. I thought about that boredom a little more and realized I’m bored, because I stopped doing the things I love a long time ago, to try and appease someone else.
And then it hit me…I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, I think I’m lamenting a lost love. But that lost love hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just that I fell away from her. I want my health back and I want to feel good about myself. That’s all I want. I just want to feel good and I know what makes me feel good. But I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, boundaries that are respected.
I did not go have a beer last night, but I went to bed feeling like I needed to wrap my arms around myself, but knowing I can’t. I can’t because I am not being true to myself. Yes, I am taking a job back home, but I have some apprehensions about it and I feel like I am walking a fine line. But I want to exercise, I want to eat write and I want to do the things that are needed to get where I WANT to be. And I felt like that beer, was no more than a chocolate bar…it was something I need to be careful with, not because I feel addicted, but because I feel like it’s not going to serve my greater desire.
I miss my self-discipline, and I miss my love of health. I think when I get home, I want to begin working out again. I think I want to feel really good. I think I want to keep making changes, not because there is a possibility that I might be an alcoholic, but because I want to feel self-worth.
I want to feel sexy.
I want to feel healthy.
I want to feel important.
I want to feel good.
I want to feel passion.
And maybe, someday, I might be nice to myself and treat myself to a beer. I’ll take that issue up at a later date, but mostly because I’m not yet sure of myself.
I’m on day 27, by the way.