Please Wish Me Luck!

Dear Readers,

I may not be on much now.  As most of you are well aware, I am accepting a new job.  I’m unsure what will be going on with the new job, but I have decided to be utterly focused on it until I am comfortable.  So, I may not be online or even on WordPress for a while.  I know in the past, I have had a habit of bailing on my blog and going absolutely bonkers, but I wanted all of you to know that I am in a much better place than I once was.

I recognize that many of my problems will not go away, but I do believe I am better equipped to handle them. I also feel the need to reassure you all that I’m not hurting myself or in danger of hurting myself in any way – I recognize that I have had those issues before, but that’s not the case now.

I wanted to express some sincere gratitude, as well. I am so happy that I have gotten to know so many of you and I am so happy for the friendships offered. I have found some great people in many of you.

I don’t anticipate being away from blogging, permanently, but I don’t think I’ll be around much anymore. Maybe it will change and maybe it won’t; it’s simply too hard to tell right now.  If you’d like to keep in touch, please feel free to email me at tarnishedsoul72@gmail.com

Yours,

Tar Nished

 

Day 3 of the 3 Quote 3 Day Challenge: Goodbyes

Today is the final day at a job I am leaving. I begin a new job on Monday. To honor this day, I’m using the final day of the Three Day Three Quote Challenge to use “Goodbye” as a theme.  I’m going to change the rules slightly for today and not nominate anyone, but feel free to look at my Day 1 and Day 2 quotes.

Goodbye:

goodbyepain

goodluck

newhello

Failing Myself?

I am feeling down today.

I had a friend email me and ask if I am feeling calm today.  I am, but I’m not feeling good. Depression has a calming effect on me, and when I am down, I am the exact opposite of when I am anxious. I had this overwhelming sense of life not being happy, lacking excitement, lacking…

…passion…

I wrote something a couple of weeks ago about getting reacquainted with something I love. I really miss being healthy and I really miss doing the things that keep me active and enjoying life.  I haven’t been active in the things I love, for so incredibly long.  I want it all back.

Where does this depression come from, you might ask?  Well, I read something yesterday about the success rates of AA versus the success rates of people that practice moderation in their drinking. And it made me question if I really am an alcoholic or if I really am in need of AA. And I don’t believe I am an alcoholic, and I have always felt that AA had a cultish feel to it. I don’t mind the essence of the program, but the cramming of a higher power down your throat gets to be too much at times.

Last night, after work, I felt like having a beer. I knew the milestone of 30 days of sobriety is fast approaching and I find the little coins you get kinda cute and I like collecting things (I’m not a hoarder…I promise). But I was questioning the reality of my so-called alcoholism. I made a habit of only drinking three beers in a sitting, but I recognized I was doing it every single day.  I was contemplating last night that I might not actually be an alcoholic, because the main reason I wanted a beer last night was to kill time. I wasn’t obsessing over it, like I had before, but I did feel like having one.  I thought about that boredom a little more and realized I’m bored, because I stopped doing the things I love a long time ago, to try and appease someone else.

And then it hit me…I don’t think I’m an alcoholic, I think I’m lamenting a lost love.  But that lost love hasn’t gone anywhere, it’s just that I fell away from her.  I want my health back and I want to feel good about myself. That’s all I want. I just want to feel good and I know what makes me feel good.  But I don’t know how to set healthy boundaries, boundaries that are respected.

I did not go have a beer last night, but I went to bed feeling like I needed to wrap my arms around myself, but knowing I can’t. I can’t because I am not being true to myself.  Yes, I am taking a job back home, but I have some apprehensions about it and I feel like I am walking a fine line. But I want to exercise, I want to eat write and I want to do the things that are needed to get where I WANT to be. And I felt like that beer, was no more than a chocolate bar…it was something I need to be careful with, not because I feel addicted, but because I feel like it’s not going to serve my greater desire.

I miss my self-discipline, and I miss my love of health. I think when I get home, I want to begin working out again. I think I want to feel really good. I think I want to keep making changes, not because there is a possibility that I might be an alcoholic, but because I want to feel self-worth.

I want to feel sexy.

I want to feel healthy.

I want to feel important.

I want to feel good.

I want to feel passion.

And maybe, someday, I might be nice to myself and treat myself to a beer. I’ll take that issue up at a later date, but mostly because I’m not yet sure of myself.

I’m on day 27, by the way.

I Want to Love You

Your eyes draw me in,

The sparkle of hidden happiness.

Share your pain with me,

I’ll give you my joy.

Bring your dreams to me,

I’ll make them mine.

Feeling your heart beat,

Beneath my palm.

You want my thoughts,

As dark as they come.

You promise relief,

From my emotions.

Our heads rest side by side,

Feeling each other breathing.

Exposing your soul,

The ultimate vulnerability.

Hoping mine does not,

Tarnish your being;

Midas, I am not.

But I want to love you.

Day 2 of the 3-Day Quote Challenge

Yesterday, I began the challenge of listing three quotes on each of three days and nominating three people to do the same (although, I completely understand, if people don’t want to do it).  I’ve listed the rules in Day 1, for those of you interested in doing it. Yesterday’s theme was on alcoholism and today I’m going to choose another aspect of what I have dealt with in life: Being a bisexual man.

So, here are my quotes:

just-friends
This quote captures the essence I felt for some of my friends in life. I had some that I had secretly wished would have been more.
defect
Since, I kept my sexuality secretive, I never really experienced a whole lot of ill-treatment. Most of my hang-ups were all self-induced.
heartsnotparts
I’ve always liked this quote, but I actually do love some of the body parts 😉

 

And the wonderful people, I’d like to nominate are:

  1. RhapsodyBoheme (She’s really cool, especially since we share a love of hiking!)
  2. Wendy at Ramblings and Musings
  3. And we fight a similar battle, so see Four Stars and a Frame