The last couple days have put me on a bit of an emotional high, and today I feel the descent. The descent is the expression I use to describe the physiological manifestation of depressive thoughts coming on. I’ve given up trying to explain this a long time ago. A need to rationalize everything is one of my obsessions – there has to be a reason for everything, in my mind. I’ve always needed an explanation, because an explanation means I can fix whatever is wrong. Well, this descent is not explainable to me – I should be feeling outstanding right now. But I recognize that the depression isn’t always something I need to explain, sometimes it just is and I need to ride out the wave.
Well, I think, the most immediate fix is my need to refrain from alcohol. I went to an AA meeting last night, and while people were speaking, I was having thoughts about going out and buying a beer when it was done. I was trying to convince myself that I’m not addicted to alcohol, that this is not my problem. I was having some flashbacks to cracking open a bottle and allowing the heavy feel of a delicious stout beer slide down my throat. I began thinking about giving up again, that it really doesn’t matter, because I don’t drink that much when I drink. Hell, I haven’t been drunk since 2010 – that’s 6 years not drinking anything hard.
And then I got back to my room and got on my reader to look up a pre-screen for a mental health condition. This screen was supplied by a friend on here, since I had expressed that I wondered at times if I might be bipolar. Well, I did the screening, and I did it twice, because I always question the authenticity of EVERYTHING and it came up with both negative and positive for bipolar disorder. Of course, I’m way too intelligent for these things, because I can see that I can pick whatever outcome I want based on the answers (In reality, I’m NOT that smart, because after taking the screen, it literally tells you what questions they were looking at and how answered would dictate the results). So, then I saw a link for screening alcohol and substance abuse. Of course, I answered these questions which came out that I have a problem.
But I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I don’t want that label. I don’t much care for labels, because labels completely suck. So, I don’t want this label either, but I know I’m feeling totally inadequate in dealing with this. I feel the descent and I also feel a rush of anxiety coming on too. I’m primed for that first drink again, and I don’t like it, but I don’t want the label of an alcoholic either. This shit kinda sucks and I remember going through it before when I made a stand against drinking. Back then, I was going to accept the label, but now I simply do not want it.
But, I know that alcohol is “cunning, baffling and powerful” and that I am prone to being “restless, irritable and discontent”.
Today, I will be leaving work early (which causes me immense anxiety, because I feel like I’m doing something wrong) to drive to Denver to attend an interview for another job. The unknown creates anxiety for me and I have not been dealing with it like I did in the past. I feel all the stress of my life today in the base of my head, centered like a knot in the middle of my neck. I’m stressed, for no logical reason, and I will probably call someone that was helping me before.
Because I want to make it past…