Am I Gay?

Yesterday, I was exchanging emails with a friend.  We were having a conversation about relationships and the expression, “You’re gay” (Not the exact words used, but the point is there) came up.  It caused me pause for a moment, because there was a time when I truly had to contemplate that reality.  I have always struggled with relationships; granted, I haven’t had too many serious relationships, but the ones I have been in had problems.  Considering I struggled with my sexuality for a good portion of my life, and because of that, I had often wondered if the reason I couldn’t make things work with a woman is because I am gay and not accepting of that as a possibility.

The problem with that being the truth is that I have enjoyed sex with women – in spite of the fact that I have enjoyed it with men too.  I have some reservations about being gay, and I have wondered, at times, if they were reservations imposed from without or from within my being. If they are from without, then they should be ignored; but if they are from within, then I need to pay attention to them – that’s an inner voice that should be a guiding light to reality (At least that’s what I think, but we all know I’m fucked up…so…there is THAT). I had serious contemplations about finding some reason, some indication, some solid understanding about myself that said it was my fault I couldn’t make a relationship work with a woman. And I had contemplated that maybe it was because I wasn’t heterosexual and some sort of sub-conscious thing women picked up in me that made it impossible for me to have a “normal” relationship.

But I have also wondered if I was even capable of having a relationship with a man. Would I be able to feel the same, or similar, romantic inclinations with men that I have had with women? The idea that I would pursue relationships with men, like I did with women, seemed preposterous to me, so I didn’t bother.  But then, when I think about it, even some of my serendipitous desires for women were more passive…I didn’t always pursue, I was hopeful that some of them would pursue me. So, would that mean I’d prefer a man to pursue me, instead of me pursuing him?  I played with this dichotomy in my mind over and over (a.k.a. “mental masturbation“), but all it did was confuse me more and more. I can look back on my life, however, and there were a few guys I happened to be friends with that I would have probably engaged in a relationship, but the opportunity never presented itself – and when it did, I ran from it.

Truthfully, I have become more comfortable with the “bisexual” label. I know when I had discussed this with my therapist, she had suggested I ignore the labels and simply accept the reality that I have enjoyed sexual relations with men and women. She even suggested I accept that I am completely capable of enjoying a sexual or romantic relationship with either men or women in the future and that the decision to do so was solely up to me and I can do it without reservation. Being able to discuss this matter with my therapist had brought me a lot of peace. Honestly, in my “real” life, no one would even suspect I’m “gay” or “bisexual” or anything of the sort. I am rarely on anyone’s “Gaydar” and typically only express my inner-self online – here, in fact.

But it doesn’t answer the question: Am I gay?

I don’t believe I am, I believe I am bisexual, but if I were gay, I’m so thankful I have friends that would accept me that way too.

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24 thoughts on “Am I Gay?”

          1. Then I hope you understand what I am saying. I have been married for 20 years and if he was not the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with then I would be looking elsewhere. Maybe I am just extremely fortunate but I honestly could not imagine spending my life with any person other than my husband. That is what I mean by finding the right person……eliminating the need to look elsewhere or feel like something is lacking. I believe it is already there in many marriages. Just shadowed by overthinking.

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  1. You know I would accept you anyway, but I am sure you are bisexual. All the going back and forth, attractions that are not bound to one gender, good and bad experiences in both… everything you tell us about your sexuality means bisexual.
    It is a much tougher position to be in, especially for a man. It seems female bisexuality is more accepted (you linked to articles discussing this before). I don’t really know why, but it really is true.
    A relationship with a man might have brought the same problems you have being with a woman. Who knows?
    I am proud of you for accepting who you are. It is one step closer to your happiness, I’m sure. And I have to say I do like your therapist. She sounds very wise and when she tells you to forget the labels, all I can do is 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼

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  2. That question is confusing and the details given make it more complicated. But I read an article about bisexuality and looks like this term may need to be erased cause in practise it doesn’t apply. One enjoys sex with men and women but may like it with women more. It’s never equal. At times men are only enjoyable while one is drunk or depressed. So this bi thing is more of circumstantial or for convenience. So forget the labels and have fun

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  3. Hey there! I recently came across your blog and this post really struck out to me seeing as how I myself am a gay man.
    I just wanted to let you know that:
    1) anything you feel for a man and/or woman is completely valid and it doesn’t matter what other people think when it comes to your truth.
    2) I too agree with your therapist. You shouldn’t have to put yourself in a box and slap a label on it in order to understand who you are. In fact, I believe that a label restricts you from experimenting; it keeps you confined to the definition of the said label.
    3) Just do you! If you want to date a man, go right ahead. If you want to date a woman, then date a woman. Do whatever it is that makes you happy and brings you joy. (I know you’re married but you get the point, lol)
    4) Know that at the end of the day, you will always be loved. There will always be a community of people who will accept you and love you no matter how you identify… You will never be alone.
    5)Be happy and love life.

    Liked by 2 people

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