A clear mind is the most important thing to me right now.
This morning I had an email from a fellow blogger inquiring about my struggles and how I’m handling them. I’m truly thankful for all of the people that offer me encouragement and help me deal with things right now. But in response to this email, I expressed that I felt the most important thing I needed to do right now was keep my mind clear and healthy. I have a lot of you giving me positive messages, which helps in tremendous ways, but I know that the amount of beer I have been drinking is NOT helping the matter. That is the primary reason I’ve decided to stop drinking – I don’t like not being able to think clearly.
I have mentioned in previous posts that I felt my mind was my greatest asset and I have not been protecting it like it is my greatest asset. That is utterly irrational. I should (I really need to write about ‘should’…and what I hate about it) be focused on trying to keep myself thinking properly. I once heard an “old timer” in an AA meeting say that his morals changed when he was drinking – I have a different philosophy about that, but I will say my thinking changes when I drink.
You see, as much negativity I spew about myself on here, I’m not sure it’s my basic nature. I was the person that used to be irritatingly positive – I could spot the proverbial silver lining in anything. Truthfully, I began to experience some serious lows in life, and when it hit me that I couldn’t see positivity anymore, I began to drink – a lot. I am determined to regain some positivity in my life, in spite of the negative things going on in life. I want that optimistic, never give-up, positive, hot, stud-muffin, debonair, good-looking, kissable (okay, okay…I’m just having fun with this) guy back. He is still in there and he is begging to come out.
I just know, deep down, that once I begin thinking properly again, things will begin to fall into place. I believe that once I realize that I am a beautiful person, wonderful to others, positive, and capable that everything will begin to fall in line again. Granted, as my mind clears, I do realize I begin to ponder things again, and I will have some issues to face, but I am feeling like I want to deal with life again.
(P.S. I’m on day 5 and I feel better than I did on my last day 5.)