My struggle today: My weight

I woke up this morning and climbed into the shower like I normally do. I washed my hair, lathered the shampoo up and massaged my scalp. I rinsed my hair and sat under the warm water for a few minutes. I grabbed the soap, and began to rub it all over my body, working up a small lather. I placed a foot on the side of the bathtub, so I could wash that leg and did the same with the other leg. I kept looking at my body parts and I began to remember an image I used to have of myself – an image I used to feel some pride.

I turned the water off. Opened the shower curtain and grabbed a towel to dry off. I stepped out onto the floor cloth, to catch the excess water that fell off me as I rubbed the towel over my body getting the wetness off me.  I hung the towel on the hook and turned to look at my naked body in the mirror just outside the motel bathroom.

I didn’t like what I saw.

I had not truly looked at myself in years. I have not been happy with myself in years, so why would I look. I have not felt proud of myself in years, so what could I possibly like now. As I looked at myself, I realized that I am not just overweight, but I am what the charts in the doctor’s office calls “grossly obese”. I can feel my self-hatred rise. I can feel myself getting ready to admonish myself (a.k.a. Hilda’s Rant). I can feel the disappointment I have in myself for letting myself go.

But that’s not really what it is, I am a stress eater – I use eating to comfort myself, because I forgot how to deal with my anxieties. But, if I really look at it, it goes beyond eating. I eat to feel good, I drink to feel good, and I have sex to feel good (mostly it’s alone…but you get the idea). I do little things for little moments, but they have big impacts when I combine all of the self-destructive behavior. And today, as I looked in that mirror I felt myself cringe. I really looked at myself and I really saw that my user name goes beyond my soul and has affected my physical being. I’m tarnished.

I had a friend, recently in an email, indicate that I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect.  It’s true. I’m not happy unless I’ve done my absolute best at everything. And when I can look at something and see the imperfections of things I knew I could have controlled, I feel like a failure. Today, I’m looking at my naked body, looking at every fat crevasse, every roll, every cottage-cheese looking crap on my legs and ass. I can see my stomach crowding out my entire body. And it hits me that I don’t see an imperfection, I see the culmination of all the mistakes of my life – all the failures of my life.

And the case of the “shoulds” hit me… I should have done this, I shouldn’t have done that, I should, I should, I should…

And worse, the anxiety begins to overwhelm me with how to go about fixing this. You see, that’s my instant response to something I don’t like – How do I fix it, so I do like it? How do I achieve my ideal?  I know I can do it, I can do anything I put my mind to, right (Remind me sometime, to explain why I think THAT concept is a major fallacy)? I can be a very directed person when I have a goal. My problem is that I’m not good at accomplishing several goals at once, and I ignore EVERYTHING around me until I accomplish said goal. I’m obsessive about things that I feel are important. It’s a fucking annoying trait I have – to the point that it has annoyed those around me.  It’s part of the whole way I go about trying to achieve perfection.

But today, I looked at my naked body, and I haven’t truly looked at it in years. Although, I’m not happy with it, it was intimate in the sense that I’m willing to look at it.

Maybe, I’m going to take a step towards loving myself…

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38 thoughts on “My struggle today: My weight”

  1. My friend Rashmi posted an amazing video about body image the other day. You are being too hard on yourself. Your goals need to be about health not appearance. I will send you the link in email so I don’t start getting sent to spam again! And your body should not determine your self worth or your lovableness – remember that. xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In my humble opinion, your weight is a sad consequence of everything you’ve been through. It’s really difficult to take care of yourself and stay healthy and fit when things are not right. The scale can tip both ways: in your case, it was up.
    Because of all your struggles, including to accept your sexuality, and because you felt like you were not good enough, you just let yourself go. Maybe unconsciously you decided you were going to look like you felt. It’s a kind of ‘fuck it’ behaviour.
    You can regain control over it and I am sure you will, but it will not be easy, quick or simple.
    When you decided to take care of your health at the beginning of the week it was great, but at the first mistep you were so down that it killed all your resolutions at once. It’s once again you frustrated for not achieving perfection. You overate one day. SO WHAT? There is always the next day.
    Considering you are still facing the problems from your job and your marriage, there will be a lot of imperfect days to come. You will need to face them with a different attitude, at least on the aftermath. It has to be something like ‘OK, it was a bad day yesterday, now let me do it right today’.
    I said before and repeat now: I’m always on your side! ❤️
    Sorry if I sound like an idiotic shrink impersonator.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you’ve already taken the first step luv, looking at yourself. I see it the same as doing inner work. First, you have to be willing to look at yourself and say, hmmm, this is a bit of a mess. Now, you can move on to the next step, figuring out how to heal your physical body, if you want to, and you sound as if you do 🙂

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  4. Life is not perfect and unfortunately it leaves signs and scars on our souls as well as our physical appearance. I. Not a stress eater, but simply don’t eat at all which stores fat since the body does not know if it will ever get another meal. Quitting smoking was one of the best things. Could do for my health but it also made me gain weight which I was not happy about. If messed with my self confidence and I believe we are always our worst critic. And while it propels us forward, we also need to remember that not all days pave out to be how we wanted and expected them to be.
    As I am just getting to know you, I don’t know all of your circumstances but I do believe that we always have a choice, a option if you will. Ha, and I always did believe you can achieve anything you put your mind to and you have to fill me in on your thoughts about that. I just believe in the human spirit I guess, in the right and purest form but I also know that you have some pretty big mountains to climb. I’ve managed to lose 30 pounds but it took a frigging year to do so. And while I have kept it off, it’s just so darn slow and it will be a few more years until I hopefully reach the point I want to see myself. I guess I’m saying to take one day at a time, don’t give up and do cut yourself some slack. You will do it….I somehow know.

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  5. It’s all in the little victories. Have you seen Boogiedown550 on Youtube? He’s a good guy, really honest about what he goes through with his own weight and self-acceptance. Might be worth a look if you’re interested. I found him really cathartic.

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      1. you know there are tons of meetings just call the central office and they’ll talk to you and go to as many meetings as possible…you know the drill get a sponsor and get a home group and that would help with support from alcoholism but you’ll also make friends

        Liked by 1 person

          1. its not stupid i went for years but was too anxious to go to coffee and make fellowship so i left at fast as i could but aa is a place to make to make friend to two i don’t have any friends because i don’t like people and i have anxiety
            about conversing like when do i stop if a have to cut the conversation i swear I have to schedule appointments but it freaks me out to talk on the phone ay ay ay and all i know is you have to force yourself and get out of your comfort but showing up having coffee and and staying after is a great way to make friends which i don’t do said it before i don’t like most people because they are stupid and ignorant

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                    1. its ridiculous the things i have to talk my kids about…remember the choking game my youngest went running from the room it was so heinous but they need to be prepared and we go over possible ways to get out of and abduction you only get a split second to react so do some damage its very sad but its irresponsible to not prepare them for the atrocities that occur its fucked quite frankly and thats why i don’t like people they are ignorant and stupid and they are not fucking with me i can tell you that i am very small but i can be intimidating

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  6. This made me so sad 😦 I would love to hear a follow up post that you looked in the mirror and picked out and focused on all of your best and favourite features, and just recognized the remainder as ones on the way to becoming them. I was chubby – not fat or obese, but chubby – when I was younger. I hated my doughy thighs that rubbed together. When I was older and started running (it took a long time to be able to because my lungs and heart and legs were so weak – I could maybe do the odd 10 second sprint to start) day by day as they carried me step by painful step and allowed me to experience the beautiful cross country trail I started out on, they quickly became my favourite body part, even as they eventually grew to be bigger than they had ever been – but this time it was muscle, and I knew they were strong and capable, and I loved them for it. I’m just a skinny bitch now though, and trying to get back into running – and I miss my big strong legs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I never felt chubby as a kid. In fact, I felt athletic and ate well and all of that. When I was younger, I wanted to be strong. Life happened and I began hating myself and I began to intentionally try and destroy myself for a variety of reasons. I feel myself changing though and I feel like the past couple of years have been worth the fight. I’m walking and trying to make good decisions and instead of looking at where I want to be, I’m trying to look at what I can do right now in this moment – I just want to wear more dresses and skirt and feel good in them 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I started out a cute chubby little toddler with asthma, and up until I was a teenager would immediately have an attack if I so much as moved an inch. I always thought that was my life path.
        I then grew out of what I learned was a form of childhood asthma, though was so unhealthy and motionless by this point I just continued along pursuing other unhealthy habits. It was only through living in a large city with no vehicle and having to walk, and having a desire to eat better than how I had growing up that I accidentally realized that small changes can have a big impact, and that led to what has been half my life trying to educate myself further so I don’t ever have to go back to feeling as sick and useless as I did the first half of my life.

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