Today, I was perusing other blog’s posts and came across this post that posed an intriguing question (Okay, so I’m intrigued, but maybe you are too): What if you were born the opposite sex? This topic is something I deal with in my own blog posts, as you can see here and here. I have been referred to as someone “struggling with gender-identity”, someone that is “gender-fluid”, or what some Native American tribes might refer to as “two-spirited”. I can honestly say that, for me, I have experienced a more profound exploration of the “opposite gender” than merely contemplating the thought experiment. Certainly, I have had dreams (Maybe I’ll write a post about my dreams, sometime…) where I was a woman. I’ve played dress-up, as a kid, and have enjoyed a dress or two – or some other feminine ways to dress. So, in a short answer to this blogger’s question: Yes, I have thought about it, but there is more to it for me.
I have always felt a dualistic nature to both my sexuality and my gender. Exploring these two topics over the past few years have really filled me with strong emotions, regrets, tragic feelings, but hope. I am coming to a greater understanding and acceptance of myself, in spite of suppressing all of these things for the majorit of my life. As you can see from some of the links I’ve provided above, I have enjoyed exploring the more feminine side of myself. I have had people on here embrace me, as if I were a girl, I have enjoyed the references indicating that I’m female. And yet, I’m still able to be happily male. I have pondered what changing my gender would mean, but I am definitively and outwardly male and masculine – there is simply a lot about me you can’t hide. For me the duality is the concept of having characteristics that are stereotypically common to both genders. Likewise, my sexuality tends to incorporate a more opposing aspect to me gender – for example, I feel feminine when I’m with a guy and I feel masculine when I’m with a woman. My attractions mold to a stereotypical gender identity too – I’m attracted to feminine women and masculine men (though, this isn’t a hardened matter, I am felixble).
As many of you have witnessed, my self-acceptance is not without struggle. This is a matter that truly bothers me. For example, bisexuals are the demographic that are among the highest rates of mental health problems. There are distinct risks that bisexuals face, as well, such as not being widely accepted in either the straight community or the LGBT community, stereotypes that neither straights nor homosexuals have to face, and there are inherent romantic risks (A different topic and a different post, sometime). I have, personally, dealt with matters concerning my sexuality and gender-identity that have made me ponder how much I even like myself. I’m getting past some of this (a lot of it has to do with the wide acceptance I receive from all of you) with plenty of help, but it’s still uncomfortable. But since I have never come-out on a wide basis, most of the emotional impacts have been experienced privately and alone.
I am coming to terms with the fact that I exhibit characteristics of both genders. I value the fact that I can be considered a human being, in spite of the fact that I don’t fit the socio-standard ‘mold’. I enjoy that the girls on WordPress include me as ‘one of the girls’; I appreciate that the guys on WordPress don’t want to punch me in the face and ‘make me man-up’. I appreciate that I can be accepted for the roles that I fill as a man, and I am comfortable with the feminine nature I have, as well. Thankfully, I’m more at peace with myself, than I have ever been in the past, with respect to my gender and sexuality.