Continuing to call attention to the things that are not best for me, I am about to have another pep-talk with myself. You see, I am recognize that my attitude is changing. For how long? Who really knows. I feel myself getting things done today, but as I become directed towards getting things done, I find myself feeling bitter and angry. As a result, I began to stress-eat today. For some reason, many years ago, I began eating when I was pissed off and angry. I recognize WHY I do it, but I don’t know how to resist the temptation.
But here’s the thing: I am a complete smart-ass. I don’t show it on here very much, but I have a tongue that bites. When I got into arguments with people, I would never become violent, or lose my temper to the point that I became physical or anything like that; but I would issue vitriol from my mouth in the form of sarcasm, like no one’s business. Well, I had someone I love express to me how hurtful I was (Okay, in all fairness, she would through things at me or hit me or other things violent), so I felt it was my responsibility to curb my tongue to prevent these kinds of outbursts – my tongue on my part and her fists on hers. Either way, I began losing my ability to be assertive, as well.
Today, many years after the fact, I’m beginning to recognize that I have buried my anxiety into the form of eating, drinking and general self-destruction for fear of hurting someone so bad that they became violent. Even now, as I am expressing my thoughts, I’m seeing myself provide an excuse for her behavior. Granted, her behavior has changed, and so has mine. She no longer hits, but I have become self-destructive. And what I hate more than anything is that I feel guilty for thinking I’m blaming her for my own actions.
The problem is that I have lost my ability to be assertive. To deal with life on life’s terms. I used to be confident, assertive – some might have even said I had swag. This loss of self has put me in a place where I question my very being. But today, as I stuffed my face full of food, I thought, “You had a plan in place to do better, with respect to your health. Why are you giving that up? You drank the past two nights, when you promised yourself you were going to stop for the time being. You are giving in, instead of stepping up. Don’t do this to yourself; the past is the past, it doesn’t dictate your future”.
Of course, the damage has been done. I over-ate, I am frustrated and I know it. I’m making progress, but I’m not treating myself kindly. I’m looking for any mild form of short-lived happiness to deal with my stress and anxiety. These are all bad, and I know it.
But, I’m going to see this as a success, because I see it, I recognize it, I can take it easy and remind myself that I am doing the best I can. I am only one person, and the world can’t be fixed by me alone. I just need to finish this day with a better attitude than I began it. I need to make sure my attitude is positive and let that dictate my behavior.
I might stay at work really late tonight, because I am afraid of later…