Today, I’m not feeling as excited as yesterday. In fact, I don’t feel well today. I feel like I’m sick to my stomach, like my blood sugar is high. Well, I know it’s high…I tested it this morning and it was very high. So, I’m in the process of treating it and getting it lower. This always creates a level of guilt in me. I think it stems from a nurse that was assigned to me when I was a kid and treating my diabetes. She used to guilt trip me into taking care of myself. Granted, I probably needed it, but it doesn’t sit well with me to this day. So, when I have high blood sugar, I always feel like I did something wrong – irrelevant of the fact that the very nature of type 1 diabetes is the difficulty in managing blood sugars.
But I did do something wrong yesterday. I had one of my bosses in town and he invited me to dinner. I went and ate the biggest bowl of pasta and chicken with alfredo sauce. And downed three beers with it. I knew I was on a new path, because I was so excited yesterday to not let my situation topple me over. I was feeling like I could do this, like I am going to survive. And then, I went against basic common sense and did something that I knew was not the healthiest choice. And this morning, I am suffering for it. My head hurts, my stomach feels nauseated, I’m pissing every 30 minutes (one of the many joys of the body’s response to high blood sugar).
I don’t want to feel bad today. Yesterday was such an emotional high and today I feel like an idiot. Today I feel like I failed myself. I feel like I’ve given up on all the self-discipline I used to have. I feel like I can’t really recover from the negative attitude of giving up and delving back into depression.
But I recognize that this is the onset of anxious thinking… I’m predicting future outcomes before they happen, and I know that I need to change me thinking. I need to deal with the problem now, because right now is all I can handle. I’ll worry about the decision to drink a beer or the decision to eat properly when that time comes. Right now, the only thing that matters is dealing with my high blood sugar. That is the primary reason I don’t feel well at this moment…
…because I feel a major mood swing coming.