Change really is the only constant in life.
I think I’m living proof of that. I’ve been resisting the changes in my own life far too long and it has become a burden I no longer wish to carry. So, I did something totally unexpected: I fucking embraced it!
That’s right! I am accepting my life the way it is. There are something I can control and there are some things I cannot. But I can control myself. I can do the things I know will make me better in the long run. I have let go of my values, but there is nothing stopping me from taking those and move forward with everything that is going on in my life. I am capable of controlling my own decision making and I am capable of finding whatever joy I can muster out of things – especially when I put perspective on whatever I’m looking at.
It’s true, I have a marriage that is on the tipping point, with a spouse that fluctuates between loving me in a psychotic manner to hating me in an equally psychotic manner. I live with the consequences of horrible decisions I made in the past. It’s fucked up for a variety of reasons. I’m essentially living someplace I don’t want to be, working a job, I really don’t want to have, wondering if I’ll be able to make it to the next paycheck right now, I’ve been treating my body like a fucking garbage can, etc., etc.
It could be so much worse than it is!
True, I’m now living in a motel and traveling home on weekends. True, I don’t have the ideal job (granted, mine pays a fuck-ton compared to most other people’s jobs), I don’t have the perfect relationships with people – especially my spouse, I have student loans that I’ll probably never actually pay off, I have allowed myself to be walked on by others, I have a lot of things I can look at and blame my misery all on myself.
But you know what else?
I don’t have to have that perspective.
Her is my spin on things:
I checked into a motel that is old, but the new owners are in the process of renovating it. I was looking at places to rent that were going to cost me upwards of $800/month or more, but this place will rent to me at $550 per month. This is now manageable.
I don’t like the fact that I have been drinking a lot in the past 6 months. All beer, mind you, but I’ve got a Dunlap…okay, who am I kidding? It’s a barrel key, I’m sporting around my body. But I easily made the decision that if I ever want to get healthy again, there is no reason I can’t START RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
So, I went to the store and bought some of those low-sodium, low-calorie, for the fat-ass dieter that doesn’t have a clue about dieting, microwavable dinners. I got enough for the week, so I’m covered for dinners. Some sort of Healthy Choice brand (I checked the label though, so I know it’s low-sodium, high protein and fiber, low calories). And they were cheap as fuck too! I also bought some high-grain oat cereal and some Almond Milk. I also bought some no-fat greek yogurt and some unsalted almonds. I bought some individual canned vegetables (again low-sodium) that I can pop the lid off and go after it with a fork…much like a fat kid (I can say this, for glaringly obvious reasons) eats a twinkie, right? I grabbed some peanut butter (okay, okay, okay…it’s my one drawback to getting into shape…I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER) and some rice cakes for snacks too. So, I got the food I need, there is no reason for my to go to a bar & grill for the time being. I can now limit this childish eat and drink my feelings away bullshit.
Oh, also, the motel room I have has plenty of room for me to do some exercising involving nothing but my own body weight too. I can do this, I can embrace this change in my life for the positive.
Anyways, I’m in a positive mood today…something I haven’t felt in a long time. I’ve got a sense of purpose again – even if it is self-serving at the moment.
I’m also still looking for work back home. I’m still doing everything I can do to be where I want to be. And I’m not a quitter, I never have been a quitter and I think the thing that has been hitting me upside the head the hardest is the fact that I have been considering quitting. I don’t quit, it’s my defining quality. I hate quitting and I feel like the past 15 years I have quit on myself.
As far as my marriage goes? Eh…I don’t like what’s happening, but I am only in charge of my decisions and only in charge of the things I can choose. I don’t like the choices I have been forced to make, but I know my reasons for the decisions are for the best. I have chosen to be responsible to my family. I know that there is a lot wrong with my marriage, but I have to live according to what I think is right. Some might wonder how my sexuality (I’m bi, in case some of you haven’t picked up on that, yet) plays into all of this. The bottom line – at least to me – is sexuality doesn’t dictate behavior. Just because I’m bisexual, doesn’t mean it’s okay to not honor my marriage. True, the situation I’m in is less than ideal, but I have never wanted to be someone that is a despicable person. I don’t like the way I get treated by my spouse, and there are certainly times I have reacted in ways that lack integrity and decency, but I know that I am better than some of the decisions that I have made. I can’t control what another person does, but I can control what I do… And I always want to be good, kind, compassionate, caring; and at the same time, I want to be assertive, and committed to the causes I know are right.
I am done worrying about my future. I can’t control it. I am only capable of the here and now and I can only choose my decisions, not the causes that create the need for decision. I am as powerful as I choose to be. I am as committed as I choose to be. I am as assertive as I choose to be. I am as kind as I choose to be. I am as healthy as I choose to be. I am what I choose to be!
And today, I choose to embrace this moment.
(P.S. I apologize for the vulgarity, sometimes my excitement gets the better of me!)