Change

Change really is the only constant in life.

I think I’m living proof of that. I’ve been resisting the changes in my own life far too long and it has become a burden I no longer wish to carry. So, I did something totally unexpected: I fucking embraced it!

That’s right! I am accepting my life the way it is. There are something I can control and there are some things I cannot. But I can control myself. I can do the things I know will make me better in the long run.  I have let go of my values, but there is nothing stopping me from taking those and move forward with everything that is going on in my life. I am capable of controlling my own decision making and I am capable of finding whatever joy I can muster out of things – especially when I put perspective on whatever I’m looking at.

It’s true, I have a marriage that is on the tipping point, with a spouse that fluctuates between loving me in a psychotic manner to hating me in an equally psychotic manner. I live with the consequences of horrible decisions I made in the past. It’s fucked up for a variety of reasons. I’m essentially living someplace I don’t want to be, working a job, I really don’t want to have, wondering if I’ll be able to make it to the next paycheck right now, I’ve been treating my body like a fucking garbage can, etc., etc.

But…

It could be so much worse than it is!

True, I’m now living in a motel and traveling home on weekends. True, I don’t have the ideal job (granted, mine pays a fuck-ton compared to most other people’s jobs), I don’t have the perfect relationships with people – especially my spouse, I have student loans that I’ll probably never actually pay off, I have allowed myself to be walked on by others, I have a lot of things I can look at and blame my misery all on myself.

But you know what else?

I don’t have to have that perspective.

Fuck it!

Her is my spin on things:

I checked into a motel that is old, but the new owners are in the process of renovating it. I was looking at places to rent that were going to cost me upwards of $800/month or more, but this place will rent to me at $550 per month. This is now manageable.

I don’t like the fact that I have been drinking a lot in the past 6 months. All beer, mind you, but I’ve got a Dunlap…okay, who am I kidding? It’s a barrel key, I’m sporting around my body.  But I easily made the decision that if I ever want to get healthy again, there is no reason I can’t START RIGHT FUCKING NOW!

So, I went to the store and bought some of those low-sodium, low-calorie, for the fat-ass dieter that doesn’t have a clue about dieting, microwavable dinners. I got enough for the week, so I’m covered for dinners.  Some sort of Healthy Choice brand (I checked the label though, so I know it’s low-sodium, high protein and fiber, low calories). And they were cheap as fuck too! I also bought some high-grain oat cereal and some Almond Milk. I also bought some no-fat greek yogurt and some unsalted almonds. I bought some individual canned vegetables (again low-sodium) that I can pop the lid off and go after it with a fork…much like a fat kid (I can say this, for glaringly obvious reasons) eats a twinkie, right? I grabbed some peanut butter (okay, okay, okay…it’s my one drawback to getting into shape…I LOVE PEANUT BUTTER) and some rice cakes for snacks too.  So, I got the food I need, there is no reason for my to go to a bar & grill for the time being. I can now limit this childish eat and drink my feelings away bullshit.

Oh, also, the motel room I have has plenty of room for me to do some exercising involving nothing but my own body weight too. I can do this, I can embrace this change in my life for the positive.

Anyways, I’m in a positive mood today…something I haven’t felt in a long time.  I’ve got a sense of purpose again – even if it is self-serving at the moment.

I’m also still looking for work back home. I’m still doing everything I can do to be where I want to be. And I’m not a quitter, I never have been a quitter and I think the thing that has been hitting me upside the head the hardest is the fact that I have been considering quitting. I don’t quit, it’s my defining quality. I hate quitting and I feel like the past 15 years I have quit on myself.

As far as my marriage goes? Eh…I don’t like what’s happening, but I am only in charge of my decisions and only in charge of the things I can choose. I don’t like the choices I have been forced to make, but I know my reasons for the decisions are for the best. I have chosen to be responsible to my family. I know that there is a lot wrong with my marriage, but I have to live according to what I think is right.  Some might wonder how my sexuality (I’m bi, in case some of you haven’t picked up on that, yet) plays into all of this. The bottom line – at least to me – is sexuality doesn’t dictate behavior. Just because I’m bisexual, doesn’t mean it’s okay to not honor my marriage. True, the situation I’m in is less than ideal, but I have never wanted to be someone that is a despicable person. I don’t like the way I get treated by my spouse, and there are certainly times I have reacted in ways that lack integrity and decency, but I know that I am better than some of the decisions that I have made. I can’t control what another person does, but I can control what I do… And I always want to be good, kind, compassionate, caring; and at the same time, I want to be assertive, and committed to the causes I know are right.

I am done worrying about my future. I can’t control it. I am only capable of the here and now and I can only choose my decisions, not the causes that create the need for decision. I am as powerful as I choose to be. I am as committed as I choose to be. I am as assertive as I choose to be. I am as kind as I choose to be. I am as healthy as I choose to be. I am what I choose to be!

And today, I choose to embrace this moment.

(P.S. I apologize for the vulgarity, sometimes my excitement gets the better of me!)

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25 thoughts on “Change”

  1. Even if I am quite low at the moment and only writing depressing posts right now (lol), I find comfort and inspiration in this post, thank you for that! I especially agree with, and love, the part about never quitting. I feel that way too. My life can be charcoal black and I still hang on, somehow. Strange, really. Hugs, keep your strength. ⚘

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m glad to see you so focused and decided. Embracing who you are and making the right choices is the best way.
    Never let yourself be dimished. You deserve to be happy!
    If you ever need to chat, you know where to find me. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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