Garbled thoughts.

The depression is back.

I’m fighting it today.

I won’t give up or give in.

My blood sugar is high. I know how to deal with it and I am.

I don’t like my situation. I’m facing it with as much dignity as I can muster.

I hate admitting it, but I drank a couple beers again last night. I don’t like it, because I feel like I let a lot of people down who have high hopes for me. Maybe today is Day 1.

I hate regret. I have it…and carry it.

I can’t change the past, but I’m having a hard time appreciating my future.

I don’t like this feeling. I want it to pass.

I need to be busy. Keeping my mind busy is what works.

I need to exercise. I don’t know what I like or what’s convenient anymore.

I will be living in a motel starting Sunday night. I’m nervous about that, because money is tight as it is and this means an additional expense to the monthly budget.

My relationship doesn’t feel right, but my feelings are not heard. It seems obvious what needs to be done, but it’s the same struggle I can’t seem to break.

And my depression is no one’s fault, but my own.

But I’m fighting.

Advertisements

35 thoughts on “Garbled thoughts.”

      1. I watched it yesterday and thought it was a beautiful interview. Then later I saw your post and thought you may benefit from it. Some years ago I asked God for a spiritual mentor. That night I dreamt Marianne was standing right in front of me. I recommend reading her book “A Return to Love” too ❀

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Honestly? I’m struggling with the concept of God…
          Last night I was asked if I prayed on something and I have not. The person who asked seemed shocked, but I just don’t feel any connection to a God…

          Like

  1. Don’t you worry dear. All will be well. Like you stated. Keep yourself busy for the thoughts to go away.. and I also write about depression today. What my friend is going through. He wanted to take his life this morning because of feeling hopeless. Kindly peep on my blog and advice me how to handle him.
    Thank you. Don’t forget to keep praying too..

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hey TS, just dropped into your blog through your comment on Abbie’s blog. What I wanted to mention here is that my depression totally left me when I quit drinking. Alcohol is a depressant and that is what it does, specifically after a long time of heavy use. First two glasses will lift you up and the rest will take you down. It is hard to get enough of something that almost works. πŸ˜‰
    I read ‘Kicking the drink easily’ from Jason Vale, he debunks all the believes we have about alcohol. Alcohol brings you EXACTLY NOT what it tells us in the adds: drink enough and one will lose friends instead of have a good time with them, drink enough and one will not experience real connection anymore, drink enough and one will get depressed instead of happy, feel locked up, imprisoned instead of free, drink enough and one will not look glamerous but old, sick and sad. 😦 It is a strange world, it teaches us all these wrong images of alcohol and then get surprised we get addicted.
    Wishing you a good stay at the motel and remember; no problem ever got better with alcohol. πŸ˜‰
    xx, Feeling

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oddly, I don’t have the misconceptions that alcohol will solve my problems. I literally drink, because I know it has a numbing affect. I suppose, I’m self-medicating in that respect. I get your main point, however, and that it it can only become a problem and sometimes a bigger problem. I suppose, in some way that is the issue for me. I don’t have that “first drink” mentality where I can’t stop after one or two. I literally stop, with 3 or 4 beers. That’s all I want in one sitting. But I can’t tell if I’m addicted…I can’t tell if it’s taking over my life, because I’m still so functional.
      I guess, really, I’m frustrated. I do it, because I don’t want to do anything else.
      Am I making sense? I’m not sure if I’m explaining it appropriately. Or maybe, I’m just explaining the excuses…

      Liked by 2 people

          1. Ghegheghe, bwaahahahaaa, yeah, hmmm, and there I was thinking I am being polite. Ghegheghe, not working. πŸ™‚ I’ll roast you tonight when i have more time. ;-).
            Aah, no, what I wanted to say: take your texts about alcohol. Exchange the word alcohol/drink/beer/whatever drink you drink to banana and then see how absurd it all sounds. Please not that this whole society is BLIND about addiction and our fondness of alcohol. It is engrained in our culture. There is not an emotion or experience which is not either solved or celebrated with alcohol. It is sad.
            Your text as I read it would sound like this: I have a physical and mental health problem which worsen seriously by eating bananas, but I still eat bananas. I plan to not eat bananas, and then I still eat them. 😦 Not sure if I am addicted to bananas though.

            You might, or might not be addicted. From what you write I’m pretty sure you are living in/with addictive thinking. What I, as a bystander can wonder about, and I will voice that because nobody did when I was there: do you care enough about yourself to sort this out or do you want to hang in this world of blegh for another few years until circumstances force you to quit? Looking at it from my point of view; you are exactly at that point in your life where I wish so [insert swearword] hard that I had quit.
            And with that I am lying because my mother asked me to slow down my drinking at her death bed and I found it very irritating and insulting that she would want to ‘rule over past her grave’ (Dutch expression). I so, so, so wish I had had taken action then. πŸ™‚ That is what I want to tell you actually. Hope it hits home somewhere, hope you can hear it. Maybe you can tell yourself not to quit drinking but to start a health programm which includes not drinking for a certain period of time. See how you feel then?

            Hope my comment meets you well.

            xx, Feeling

            Liked by 1 person

            1. Your comments are welcome. And never fear being direct with me, nor using (insert swearword) swearwords πŸ˜‰

              Honestly, I can see it in the respect you’re saying. But, I posted today about this very topic, because I wonder…I truly wonder if I’m thinking the right way. I know one thing is sure – I don’t feel like I exhibit my best qualities anymore. It’s almost like I’m hiding from them for some reason. It’s hard to explain.
              Thank you, once again, for your advice. I appreciate it. πŸ™‚

              Liked by 1 person

      1. Alcohol is a number for some and sadly yes, can become an addiction (or a mental way out). As long as you keep writing, are aware of your feelings (good, bad, indifferent) and don’t let the bottle replace the feelings you NEED to expel, then your solid! It’s a hell of a lot of ‘changes’ your dealing with my dear, and trying to find the right support is tough. Most therapists don’t know how to deal with these things (I know from experiences) but YOU have to search through your own words and thoughts and don’t let the SHIT cloud that! That is THE hardest thing and it’s why we all struggle with depression and want to self-medicate/drink/deny. Keep writing, your followers are here for you (as much as we can be) – but as you already know, YOU are the only one that can make the changes you need. Fuck Hilda, fuck what society labels you, live your life – don’t hurt anyone else, and yes try and remain ‘functional’. But make time to go OUT, look at Mother Nature (one of the few women in our lives we can rely on) to give you some clarity. She may knock you over with wind, rain, etc. but she’s giving you TRUTH to pick your ass up and keep going! Hugs from the silly Little old lady. πŸ™‚

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you! I’m much better this afternoon, because I have been busy. Oddly, kinda irritable too…it’s weird, because I wanted to be busy and it irritates me that I am…lol…go figure.
      Anyways, I appreciate your support. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I, too, struggle with depression and I self-medicate with a little bit of alcohol. Well, “a little bit” compared to what I used to do. I could look at it as falling back into the same pattern – numbing out instead of dealing with reality. But I’m just hoping to numb out a tad until reality gets better. I think you and I are the kind of people who want to better themselves enough to recognize real self-destructiveness when it surfaces. True, we can deceive ourselves, though. That’s when reality checks from loved ones come in handy. They tend to notice changes in us. So far I’ve been safe from the radar… but I’m functional, too. Yet it doesn’t mean I have a healthy relationship with alcohol.
    I’m sorry. I’m not any help at all! Think I’ll go make a drink…

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s