In the first post I made about my Sexual and Relationship Development, I mentioned I would not stick to a chronological order of talking about this subject. Well this segment is one of those topics that I am stepping out of order and discussing something important, but doesn’t follow a time line. I felt it’s important, because I’m on the verge of my relationship ending and it feels similar to another time I felt when a relationship was heading to an end. Currently, I’m in the process of living in another state, then where I want to be and it involves the very real probability that my relationship will end and I happen to be wondering what it would be like to date again. Would I be open to dating men or will I simply keep myself to dating women? Will I even want to date anymore? Would I want a relationship? Am I capable of giving of myself? All of these questions buzz around my head, but it reminded me of another time I felt like this.
Many years ago, I was in a relationship that was failing. I was being physically and emotionally abused and I felt it was time to leave. I didn’t really have the courage to do it, however, and I took an ad out looking to date. My ad was intended to attract a woman, but I had a man contact me. At the time, I had not understood my sexuality – I damn sure wasn’t calling myself “bisexual” – so, it was a bit of a surprise that I was contacted this way. The response to my ad started out, relatively honest, and I was gripped almost immediately. I’m paraphrasing, but the man sent me a message telling me he thought I was cute and wanted to know if I would entertain the possibility of meeting a guy. Even as straight as I assumed I was, I answered back and told him I would consider it – after all, there was something about his brown eyes and his biceps that made me feel a physical attraction, but the forwardness of his response really got me going.
He and I had exchanged a couple of emails to discuss basics and get a feel for one another. Eventually, he asked me if I would be interested in meeting for a brink and he explained, “It’ll be my treat.”. So, I had agreed to meet him at a grill near the college I was attending. He showed up wearing a baseball cap, t-shirt and jeans. I was similarly dressed, minus the ball cap. We shook hands, smiled and he led me through the door to a somewhat secluded area of the restaurant. It was late and the place was not very packed. He ordered us both a beer and we had some nice conversation. I asked him how long he knew he was bisexual (I was now thinking I was bisexual, in spite of all of my denials, since I was so attracted to him), and he stated, “Oh, I’m not bi. I’m gay.” But you’re so fucking masculine and studly, I thought to myself, still in denial about the reality of human sexuality. We had agreed that this was just a meeting to see how we got along, so I didn’t think there was any overt sexual tension between either of us, but as the server asked us if we wanted another beer, she gave me a look that I took as her knowing we were on a date. It was almost like a knowing smirk, not disdainful, just understanding. We turned down the drink and left the restaurant to go for a walk.
Even as cheezy as it all seems now, it was a cool and moonlit evening and there was a small park near the restaurant. We walked towards it and my date grabbed my hand and we walked holding hands. I felt something I had never felt and I didn’t understand how to deal with it, but I maintained the walk with us hand in hand. He expressed how attractive he thought I was and that he would love to be able to see me again. I felt bashful; an odd experience for me to feel, but I accepted it as an appreciation of the compliments he was giving me. He asked me what I thought about the little date and I looked him in the eyes and he brought his mouth to mine and I lost myself in that moment. I had never kissed…no, never been kissed by a man before. This was a romantic, lust filled kiss. I couldn’t resist it. His tongue explored my mouth and I let him do it. I let him take that kiss and I felt like there was no resistance to be found within me. He pulled me close and I could feel him against me and I wanted the kiss to continue forever.
Then fear set itself loose within me. I panicked, pulled away and looked him in the eyes. I told him, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this…” And I pulled away and left. I ran aware terrified of the fact that I felt so lost and out of control with a man. I had had sex with a guy before, who was a friend, but this was different. This was scary, because I was so outside my norm I didn’t know what to do. I ran away, I ran to my car and got in and drove away.
I never spoke to Thomas again. He never reached back out and I never reached towards him again. No phone calls, no emails, no attempt at either one of us trying to contact the other. I didn’t blame him. I would have assumed I was flaky too. I felt so wonderful and so scared at the same time. It was an unsettling feeling that I have often pondered if I would ever find anything like that again.
Now, I’m older. I’m in a failing relationship. I’m unsure of my own sanity, let alone if I am capable of capturing any feeling like that again. The desire to be wanted, to be appreciated, to know that someone would desire me is a captivating feeling. I have felt it with women before, also many years ago, but this one was unique in the fact that it was with a man and I was in public. I often wonder what that waitress thought when she saw two young men out together, speaking softly to one another. I wonder if she wished us luck in finding love. I wonder what Thomas thought of his flaky date. I wonder, if I should have continued with the date to find out what would have happened. I denied the reality of the situation to myself, like I did with so many other situations where my sexuality was blatantly smacking me upside the head.
Anyways, I felt I wanted to share that with all of you. It was a nice memory and I can look back on it with fondness – even if I was less than perfect.