SARD: Part 9 – The One and Only Time I Went On a Date With a Guy.

In the first post I made about my Sexual and Relationship Development, I mentioned I would not stick to a chronological order of talking about this subject. Well this segment is one of those topics that I am stepping out of order and discussing something important, but doesn’t follow a time line.  I felt it’s important, because I’m on the verge of my relationship ending and it feels similar to another time I felt when a relationship was heading to an end.  Currently, I’m in the process of living in another state, then where I want to be and it involves the very real probability that my relationship will end and I happen to be wondering what it would be like to date again. Would I be open to dating men or will I simply keep myself to dating women? Will I even want to date anymore? Would I want a relationship? Am I capable of giving of myself?  All of these questions buzz around my head, but it reminded me of another time I felt like this.

Many years ago, I was in a relationship that was failing. I was being physically and emotionally abused and I felt it was time to leave. I didn’t really have the courage to do it, however, and I took an ad out looking to date. My ad was intended to attract a woman, but I had a man contact me. At the time, I had not understood my sexuality – I damn sure wasn’t calling myself “bisexual” – so, it was a bit of a surprise that I was contacted this way. The response to my ad started out, relatively honest, and I was gripped almost immediately. I’m paraphrasing, but the man sent me a message telling me he thought I was cute and wanted to know if I would entertain the possibility of meeting a guy. Even as straight as I assumed I was, I answered back and told him I would consider it – after all, there was something about his brown eyes and his biceps that made me feel a physical attraction, but the forwardness of his response really got me going.

He and I had exchanged a couple of emails to discuss basics and get a feel for one another. Eventually, he asked me if I would be interested in meeting for a brink and he explained, “It’ll be my treat.”.  So, I had agreed to meet him at a grill near the college I was attending. He showed up wearing a baseball cap, t-shirt and jeans. I was similarly dressed, minus the ball cap.  We shook hands, smiled and he led me through the door to a somewhat secluded area of the restaurant. It was late and the place was not very packed. He ordered us both a beer and we had some nice conversation. I asked him how long he knew he was bisexual (I was now thinking I was bisexual, in spite of all of my denials, since I was so attracted to him), and he stated, “Oh, I’m not bi. I’m gay.” But you’re so fucking masculine and studly, I thought to myself, still in denial about the reality of human sexuality. We had agreed that this was just a meeting to see how we got along, so I didn’t think there was any overt sexual tension between either of us, but as the server asked us if we wanted another beer, she gave me a look that I took as her knowing we were on a date. It was almost like a knowing smirk, not disdainful, just understanding.  We turned down the drink and left the restaurant to go for a walk.

Even as cheezy as it all seems now, it was a cool and moonlit evening and there was a small park near the restaurant. We walked towards it and my date grabbed my hand and we walked holding hands. I felt something I had never felt and I didn’t understand how to deal with it, but I maintained the walk with us hand in hand. He expressed how attractive he thought I was and that he would love to be able to see me again. I felt bashful; an odd experience for me to feel, but I accepted it as an appreciation of the compliments he was giving me. He asked me what I thought about the little date and I looked him in the eyes and he brought his mouth to mine and I lost myself in that moment. I had never kissed…no, never been kissed by a man before. This was a romantic, lust filled kiss. I couldn’t resist it. His tongue explored my mouth and I let him do it. I let him take that kiss and I felt like there was no resistance to be found within me. He pulled me close and I could feel him against me and I wanted the kiss to continue forever.

Then fear set itself loose within me. I panicked, pulled away and looked him in the eyes. I told him, “I’m sorry, I can’t do this…” And I pulled away and left. I ran aware terrified of the fact that I felt so lost and out of control with a man. I had had sex with a guy before, who was a friend, but this was different. This was scary, because I was so outside my norm I didn’t know what to do. I ran away, I ran to my car and got in and drove away.

I never spoke to Thomas again. He never reached back out and I never reached towards him again. No phone calls, no emails, no attempt at either one of us trying to contact the other. I didn’t blame him. I would have assumed I was flaky too. I felt so wonderful and so scared at the same time. It was an unsettling feeling that I have often pondered if I would ever find anything like that again.

Now, I’m older. I’m in a failing relationship. I’m unsure of my own sanity, let alone if I am capable of capturing any feeling like that again. The desire to be wanted, to be appreciated, to know that someone would desire me is a captivating feeling. I have felt it with women before, also many years ago, but this one was unique in the fact that it was with a man and I was in public. I often wonder what that waitress thought when she saw two young men out together, speaking softly to one another. I wonder if she wished us luck in finding love. I wonder what Thomas thought of his flaky date. I wonder, if I should have continued with the date to find out what would have happened. I denied the reality of the situation to myself, like I did with so many other situations where my sexuality was blatantly smacking me upside the head.

Anyways, I felt I wanted to share that with all of you. It was a nice memory and I can look back on it with fondness – even if I was less than perfect.

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12 thoughts on “SARD: Part 9 – The One and Only Time I Went On a Date With a Guy.”

  1. Coming to terms with the fluidity of our own sexuality is scary. Especially if the messages we have received of it are negative and biased. I’m sorry your relationship seems to be at an end. Endings are always sad even if it’s for the best. I hope you find peace in yourself and eventually in a relationship where you feel loved and wanted, regardless of its with a man or a woman.

    Liked by 3 people

  2. That’s a beautiful story, even if it didn’t end as you would have liked in retrospect. Just for a brief time, you let yourself relax a bit and explore what your true desires are. What an adventure! Think of all the people who live their whole lives suppressing their truth, living a false life, and never venturing to taste their dreams.
    I appreciate your courage in sharing through your blog. I think it’s a healthy outlet and often helpful for us to get another perspective through feedback.
    I’m with samlobos – with whomever you connect, may it be a rich experience, full of good memories along with the life lessons and learning more about yourself.
    I set an intention for you today (perhaps thoughts do have influence, as they say?), that you will honor your authentic self with wisdom as your guide (there are predators out there, o-> and o+), that you would be as kind to yourself as you would to anyone else (it’s always a good idea with self-talk to ask, “Would I say this to someone I care for?”), and that you would be free to live from your own values rather than those imposed on you by society, family, etc.
    What are your values, TS?

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you for your kind words; it means a lot to me. Truthfully, memories like these are the ones that helped me realize my sexuality and understand that there are some experiences that were healthy. I’m in a more accepting place for myself now then I was then.

      And what are my values? I value compassion, intellect, honesty, joyfulness, and others.

      Liked by 2 people

  3. More coincidences here… You’ll see… And I felt very hot with your description of that kiss. Wow!
    Maybe you should have pursued it. It might have been great, but I believe young you didn’t understand what was going on at all. Years ago no one really talked about bisexuality at all. It wasn’t a ‘thing’.
    I didn’t understand it until much later in my life, having moved away from home and then free to explore my feelings.
    It never fazed me, it never worried me. I don’t like to plan too far ahead. I hate worrying about what might happen, so I live the present.
    Accept who you are and live the present the best you can. If/when your marriage ends, if you find a relationship with a man is what brings you love, live it to the fullest and allow yourself to be loved. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! It wasn’t intended to be hot, but having re-read it, I suppose it is…and he was. 😉
      But yeah, back then you were either gay or you were not and I just assumed I couldn’t be gay, because I LOVED women. I just assumed my temptations were because of other reasons and didn’t consider bisexuality until later in life. Now, I know. (Sounds like a Public Service Announcement…lol…Now You know!)

      Liked by 1 person

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