Things have been a little out of the ordinary.

As you can tell, since I don’t have the normal flurry of posts, I have been rather busy lately. I’m in the process of looking for a place to stay, since I will no longer have a room paid to stay. Also, I went home this past weekend to participate in something I miss. And I have been applying for jobs like crazy – with a couple of interviews, as well.

I have mentioned in previous posts, that my new job is requiring me to move to a place 4 hours from my home town and I really don’t have the desire to do that. Unfortunately, it is my only source of income.  So, I have decided to either look for a room-share situation or look for a motel to stay. I have a few different prospects, but I still need to find something that is livable for the time being.  I am unsure about my future and I feel like I live each day as if it is the only day to worry about. I am oddly at ease with that, for a change, considering that I am normally a worrier. I’m a planner, by nature, and if things don’t meet my plan it causes me massive amounts of anxiety. The truth of the matter is that I have accepted that my current plan is the best one and I need to not worry about what’s going to happen if it doesn’t work – rather, I’m going to carry it out and worry about the results at the end. (Me: 1, Anxiety: 0. And fuck off, Hilda!).

Also, this past weekend, I had an event scheduled that I went and attended. IT wasn’t without strife, however, since my wife did everything she could to make me feel guilty for going. It’s something I had planned for several months, we had discussed it, she was well aware I intended on going. But, the morning of, she through a big fit that I was going and not spending time with her. It was frustrating and I understood her pain and desire, but she has no compassion for mine.  I needed this and it is an even that is only once per year and I had promised people I would attend, so they were dependent upon me.  Granted, if she would have expressed it before hand, I could have made arrangements to make sure I wasn’t being depended upon. Unfortunately, one of the things I have noticed about me in this relationship is that I began sacrificing things that I held as strong personality characteristics – namely being dependable. So, I went anyways, and we spent the entire weekend arguing about it. I hated it, but I was proud of myself for standing my ground for a change. It felt good. I didn’t realize how many people still have respect for me and see me in a positive light. (Me: 1, Being a pussy: 0! Double Fuck you, Hilda!)

What didn’t feel good is that I felt an immense amount of stress. I had a physiological reaction to it and I felt like I was having a literal heart-attack. I checked into the E.R. and thankfully, everything with my heart seemed okay. It left me feeling a little stupid, because there were absolutely no concerns with my heart. I ended up thinking it was my blood sugar and it was a part of the problem. The more I thought about it, I did the right thing. You see, I felt my chest was tight, my breathing felt shallow, my head was hurting. my left arm felt numb, and I felt nausea. In the past, I was always able to handle my stress with healthy decisions. But, I was being honest with myself and thinking that I have not been living the healthy lifestyle I used to live and the only way to be absolutely sure was to check into the E.R. – I drove myself there, because I happened to be alone at the time. Luckily, all the tests came back negative for a heart attack or anything acute.  But it made me really think that I need to change. The issue is that I am not making the best choices about my health, and I recognize that I need to make sure I do (Me: Tie for recognizing, but not making the change. Death: tie, because I’m not giving up. Fuck off, anyways, Hilda!)

On the job front and looking for work back in Colorado, things are going well too.  Granted, I only have control over my actions, but I’m applying for jobs that are important and the ones that I think will fulfill me.  Yesterday, I interviewed for a job with a water treatment company and it seemed to go really well. Two guys interviewed me and one of them I used know from a company I used to work. I have phone interview set up for another job tomorrow and I am still talking to various recruiters and keeping myself open for possibilities. I’m not feeling sorry for myself and instead of whining about it, I’m doing something about it. And I’m doing it because I want it and not because I think it’ll make anyone else happy – it might make someone else happy, but my intent is to make me happy.  It feels good to feel like I have control in this situation, I need that as a confidence booster (Me: 1, Depression: 0. Hey Hilda? You guessed it, Fuck Off!).

So, I’m keeping the tally as follows:

Me: 3 to 0.5 (Tie is usually a half a loss, right?)

Hilda: 0 to 3.5

Fuck off, Hilda!


16 thoughts on “Things have been a little out of the ordinary.”

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