…and not knowing why.
Seriously, I woke up with a scowl on my face, fists clenched, teeth grinding, fire and steam coming out of my nostrils. I’m not happy about my situation in life, right at the moment (Actually, that’s the fucking understatement of the year, but I’m trying to be positive…ya know, starting at -10 and moving up to -7, is an improvement). And truthfully, as much as I whine and cry and act like a little bitch on this blog, I’m really NOT that kind of person. And I think what’s pissing me off more than anything is that I can’t make a decision I’m happy about.
I am the kind of person that vents, but I always choose a course of action and I’m frustrated that my course of action right now, seems to be a failure no matter what direction I take. Granted, you all are aware that I chose to remain with my job and try and make this work, but I found out this week that I’m working for a company that doesn’t pay it’s fucking bills. Apparently, they haven’t paid a third party contractor to do the work they have been doing for us. And considering this third party contractor extracts the mineral resource we use in this processing plant, we can’t afford NOT to pay them. Also, I was told, when I accepted the position that the company was profitable – nice way to hide the fact that this particular operation is NOT profitable.
I’m forcing things to happen, because I can’t find work back home and I feel frustrated beyond imagination. I was able to last a year into being unemployed, but I’m at a place where I am essentially starting over from scratch. My home is in desperate need of repairs, my car is getting beat-up taking the dirt fucking road into work everyday and driving back and forth from Denver each week. And I’m going to be getting a place to rent here – creating an additional $1000 worth of expenses each month. I’m about to go fucking work for McDonald’s.
I’m still in a fucked-up relationship. I still can’t decide if I want to wear some lacey panties or wear briefs. I’m choosing to give up drinking beer, because I hate being a fat-ass. I haven’t been hiking, since February. I am sick of eating food that isn’t made at home. I could use a could, raw fuck session. I want to run, but afraid I’ll look funny doing it. I want to punch something or be cuddled. I’m conflicted in so many fucking ways.
I’m not living the life I want to live. I like working, I enjoy challenges, but I feel fucking lost without a fucking clue.
And I fucking hate that I’m on here every day whining like a pathetic loser. And honestly, I KNOW it’s Hilda, but I need to get some shit off my chest.
Okay…I’m done ranting for now.
Day fucking 2.
Thanks for listening. ❤