SARD: Part 8 – You call me “c*cksucker”, like it’s a bad thing

(WARNING: NSFW, sexual content, intended for audiences above 21+)

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I admit it.

I’m a cocksucker.

But I hid it for years, because I grew-up in a time where there was no such thing as “bisexual“. To steal a line from the comedian Andrew Dice Clay – “Either you suck dick, or you do not suck dick”. And there was no such thing as an “in-between” when it came to being gay or a fag. The problem I faced – or rather, the one I didn’t understand – is that I didn’t like guys, exclusively, because I liked girls. In fact, as insulting as it is to most bisexuals, is that I would have described myself as 65% heterosexual. I tended to like girls much more than I like guys. There was a time in my life, when I would try and try and try to rationalize my infatuations with a guy’s penis.

I used to think there was a ’cause’ for my same-sex attractions, because it was “unnatural”. I assumed, at one time, that it had everything to do with being abused as a young child.  To me, there was a reason I had an infatuation with the penis, there was a reason I wanted to touch some, kiss some, play with some, want some inside of me, etc.  To me, this meant that I could control my attractions, if I could control the negative feelings I had when it came to some of my same-sex interactions. But, I didn’t always feel negative about them. The situations I hated, were the ones I felt pressured into doing. I can remember a guy I knew that would pressure me into doing things for him and I never really enjoyed it. But there were times, I really enjoyed it.

The times I really enjoyed playing with a guy, were the things that confused me about the assumption I was a product of my victimization. Because, there were guys, I gave myself freely. And then there were times, where I was asked for a blow-job and I gladly got on my knees to service the guy I found attractive. There were even times, I offered to do it, just so I can give of myself. And each of those times, I loved it. It was fun performing that particular service for a guy and they always seemed to appreciate it.

But there was always something that stuck out in my head, when I heard it – “cocksucker”.  This word is always used to describe someone in a derogatory manner in reference to his sexuality. It’s akin to using the word “fag”. I wasn’t a “fag”, because I liked women. But for some reason, the word “cocksucker” just sounded worse to me. It was always funny to be called it, however, because anyone who called me that had no clue I actually was a cocksucker. But what made it easy to ignore that terminology, is that most of the people who used it had a pretty low IQ and I always prided myself on my intelligence.

Honestly, I don’t know if I’m good or not, I’ve never really tried to figure it out. I did have a couple of friends that enjoyed it, because I did it more than once for them. There were other guys that I wish would have called me back, but I always assumed the stigma of same-sex interactions are the reason most of those never came again (er…pun intended). I mean, I never fully understood what I was, so I can’t really blame them. But I was a cocksucker. I actually did it, so it wasn’t like it was a term that was inaccurate – even if I didn’t like it. To me, it was like a little secret I didn’t have to reveal, unless I wanted to share it with a particular guy.

And in that case, I was magically the best damned cocksucker he had ever met.

 

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31 thoughts on “SARD: Part 8 – You call me “c*cksucker”, like it’s a bad thing”

    1. Hey Rachel, will you check your spam on your blog for a comment from me? I won’t be able to make anymore until it’s out of spam. I don’t know how else to reach you, lol.

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I hate all these lovely words being used derogatorily. Cocksucker, pussy, dick. They can mean some pretty not nice things. Another proud cocksucker here! 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Oops…too fast on the mouse…Emme is amazing at how she did this to me. It was our first sexual contact and it was all initiated by her. I am a bit shy and quiet. She took control and I was stunned by how she showed me her love for me in this manner.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I heard the same stuff about being a cocksucker and all the negative connotations growing up. One day, some guys were calling each other cocksuckers (one of them was) and one guy said, “It takes one to know one!” and in that moment, I thought, “Yeah, I’m a cocksucker…” but it never made me feel bad.

    It didn’t stop people from throwing the epitaph at me for various reasons and I’d say something smarmy like, “You wish!” or “You didn’t say that shit last night!” or in an extreme situation, “Your mom would say something very different!” Where I grew up, you had to be good at the war of words or with your hands and I was very good at both since my use of words tended to really get under people’s skin.

    Yeah, like sucking a dick is a bad thing? If it was so bad, why did we always want girls to do it and why we’re so many of them more than willing to do it? If it was so bad for guys to be doing it, well, there were a lot of guys sucking dick like there was no tomorrow so, nope, I wasn’t the only one.

    “Good at it” is subjective but, yeah, I strive to be good at it because the only thing worse than being called a cocksucker was to be called a lousy cocksucker or told that you weren’t good at it. I eventually realized that I wasn’t sucking all the dicks I’d been sucking to make their owners happy; I was sucking them to make myself happy and while I never had anyone tell me to my face that I was lousy at it, the bottom line for me was, “Did I suck dick and swallow cum? Yes!”

    End of discussion…

    Liked by 2 people

      1. You deserve a real deal response. You could get called a cocksucker for any old reason but the thing I learned was not to pay any attention to it and that it was only a bad thing if you believed it was bad… and I never did and I still don’t.

        Plus it helps you deal with being bi when you can read how I dealt with some of the same deals you face.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I read this and think of all the times in the early 60’s I heard that word thrown out like a ‘knife to the heart.’ Similar to the way the word ‘slut’ was used to indict women who happened to have more than one sexual partner or openly admitted they loved sex or were confident in their sexuality.

    I think perhaps we should get jackets made.

    Liked by 4 people

  5. Once again, I lovee your honesty!
    I’m so glad that I stumbled upon your blog because it’s so reveling and it answers the questions I had about being bi.
    Great post & great blog!

    Liked by 1 person

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