(WARNING: NSFW, sexual content, intended for audiences above 21+)
I admit it.
I’m a cocksucker.
But I hid it for years, because I grew-up in a time where there was no such thing as “bisexual“. To steal a line from the comedian Andrew Dice Clay – “Either you suck dick, or you do not suck dick”. And there was no such thing as an “in-between” when it came to being gay or a fag. The problem I faced – or rather, the one I didn’t understand – is that I didn’t like guys, exclusively, because I liked girls. In fact, as insulting as it is to most bisexuals, is that I would have described myself as 65% heterosexual. I tended to like girls much more than I like guys. There was a time in my life, when I would try and try and try to rationalize my infatuations with a guy’s penis.
I used to think there was a ’cause’ for my same-sex attractions, because it was “unnatural”. I assumed, at one time, that it had everything to do with being abused as a young child. To me, there was a reason I had an infatuation with the penis, there was a reason I wanted to touch some, kiss some, play with some, want some inside of me, etc. To me, this meant that I could control my attractions, if I could control the negative feelings I had when it came to some of my same-sex interactions. But, I didn’t always feel negative about them. The situations I hated, were the ones I felt pressured into doing. I can remember a guy I knew that would pressure me into doing things for him and I never really enjoyed it. But there were times, I really enjoyed it.
The times I really enjoyed playing with a guy, were the things that confused me about the assumption I was a product of my victimization. Because, there were guys, I gave myself freely. And then there were times, where I was asked for a blow-job and I gladly got on my knees to service the guy I found attractive. There were even times, I offered to do it, just so I can give of myself. And each of those times, I loved it. It was fun performing that particular service for a guy and they always seemed to appreciate it.
But there was always something that stuck out in my head, when I heard it – “cocksucker”. This word is always used to describe someone in a derogatory manner in reference to his sexuality. It’s akin to using the word “fag”. I wasn’t a “fag”, because I liked women. But for some reason, the word “cocksucker” just sounded worse to me. It was always funny to be called it, however, because anyone who called me that had no clue I actually was a cocksucker. But what made it easy to ignore that terminology, is that most of the people who used it had a pretty low IQ and I always prided myself on my intelligence.
Honestly, I don’t know if I’m good or not, I’ve never really tried to figure it out. I did have a couple of friends that enjoyed it, because I did it more than once for them. There were other guys that I wish would have called me back, but I always assumed the stigma of same-sex interactions are the reason most of those never came again (er…pun intended). I mean, I never fully understood what I was, so I can’t really blame them. But I was a cocksucker. I actually did it, so it wasn’t like it was a term that was inaccurate – even if I didn’t like it. To me, it was like a little secret I didn’t have to reveal, unless I wanted to share it with a particular guy.
And in that case, I was magically the best damned cocksucker he had ever met.