I’m really, really, really trying…
But this is right there to tempt me.
I’m really, really, really trying…
But this is right there to tempt me.
The last couple days have put me on a bit of an emotional high, and today I feel the descent. The descent is the expression I use to describe the physiological manifestation of depressive thoughts coming on. I’ve given up trying to explain this a long time ago. A need to rationalize everything is one of my obsessions – there has to be a reason for everything, in my mind. I’ve always needed an explanation, because an explanation means I can fix whatever is wrong. Well, this descent is not explainable to me – I should be feeling outstanding right now. But I recognize that the depression isn’t always something I need to explain, sometimes it just is and I need to ride out the wave.
Well, I think, the most immediate fix is my need to refrain from alcohol. I went to an AA meeting last night, and while people were speaking, I was having thoughts about going out and buying a beer when it was done. I was trying to convince myself that I’m not addicted to alcohol, that this is not my problem. I was having some flashbacks to cracking open a bottle and allowing the heavy feel of a delicious stout beer slide down my throat. I began thinking about giving up again, that it really doesn’t matter, because I don’t drink that much when I drink. Hell, I haven’t been drunk since 2010 – that’s 6 years not drinking anything hard.
And then I got back to my room and got on my reader to look up a pre-screen for a mental health condition. This screen was supplied by a friend on here, since I had expressed that I wondered at times if I might be bipolar. Well, I did the screening, and I did it twice, because I always question the authenticity of EVERYTHING and it came up with both negative and positive for bipolar disorder. Of course, I’m way too intelligent for these things, because I can see that I can pick whatever outcome I want based on the answers (In reality, I’m NOT that smart, because after taking the screen, it literally tells you what questions they were looking at and how answered would dictate the results). So, then I saw a link for screening alcohol and substance abuse. Of course, I answered these questions which came out that I have a problem.
But I don’t want to be an alcoholic. I don’t want that label. I don’t much care for labels, because labels completely suck. So, I don’t want this label either, but I know I’m feeling totally inadequate in dealing with this. I feel the descent and I also feel a rush of anxiety coming on too. I’m primed for that first drink again, and I don’t like it, but I don’t want the label of an alcoholic either. This shit kinda sucks and I remember going through it before when I made a stand against drinking. Back then, I was going to accept the label, but now I simply do not want it.
But, I know that alcohol is “cunning, baffling and powerful” and that I am prone to being “restless, irritable and discontent”.
Today, I will be leaving work early (which causes me immense anxiety, because I feel like I’m doing something wrong) to drive to Denver to attend an interview for another job. The unknown creates anxiety for me and I have not been dealing with it like I did in the past. I feel all the stress of my life today in the base of my head, centered like a knot in the middle of my neck. I’m stressed, for no logical reason, and I will probably call someone that was helping me before.
Because I want to make it past…
Today I hit a WordPress milestone: 500 followers.
I can tell you this has a little bit more significance to me than many of you might realize. You see, the last time I hit the 500 follower mark, I decided to delete my blog. I mentioned it in previous posts and on my about page as to why I deleted my previous blog. Today, however, I feel I’m in a better place than I was at that time – or the blog before that, or the one before that, and so on.
But, as much as I’d like to take credit for it, I owe it to all of you, of course! A lot of you had followed my previous blogs and had witnesses the struggles I had dealt with – even the suicide attempt. Thankfully, that has all passed and now I’m working towards a more centered way of being. And I have a lot of gratitude for you wonderful people that have encouraged me every step – and follower – along the way. So many of you have taken the time to comment, email and even offer to speak on the phone with me. Your offers of friendship touch me in deep ways (Is that a bit stalkerish being online? lol). I am thankful for all of you and I appreciate you for the things you’ve said to me, the advice you have given me and the wide acceptance I have received.
I am thankful and blessed!
Earlier, I posted a topic about discerning my sexuality. But for fun, I thought I’d pose a question for my readers. I am having fun with this topic, so please don’t worry about answering:
But, based on everything I write, how do you perceive my sexuality?
Yesterday, I was exchanging emails with a friend. We were having a conversation about relationships and the expression, “You’re gay” (Not the exact words used, but the point is there) came up. It caused me pause for a moment, because there was a time when I truly had to contemplate that reality. I have always struggled with relationships; granted, I haven’t had too many serious relationships, but the ones I have been in had problems. Considering I struggled with my sexuality for a good portion of my life, and because of that, I had often wondered if the reason I couldn’t make things work with a woman is because I am gay and not accepting of that as a possibility.
The problem with that being the truth is that I have enjoyed sex with women – in spite of the fact that I have enjoyed it with men too. I have some reservations about being gay, and I have wondered, at times, if they were reservations imposed from without or from within my being. If they are from without, then they should be ignored; but if they are from within, then I need to pay attention to them – that’s an inner voice that should be a guiding light to reality (At least that’s what I think, but we all know I’m fucked up…so…there is THAT). I had serious contemplations about finding some reason, some indication, some solid understanding about myself that said it was my fault I couldn’t make a relationship work with a woman. And I had contemplated that maybe it was because I wasn’t heterosexual and some sort of sub-conscious thing women picked up in me that made it impossible for me to have a “normal” relationship.
But I have also wondered if I was even capable of having a relationship with a man. Would I be able to feel the same, or similar, romantic inclinations with men that I have had with women? The idea that I would pursue relationships with men, like I did with women, seemed preposterous to me, so I didn’t bother. But then, when I think about it, even some of my serendipitous desires for women were more passive…I didn’t always pursue, I was hopeful that some of them would pursue me. So, would that mean I’d prefer a man to pursue me, instead of me pursuing him? I played with this dichotomy in my mind over and over (a.k.a. “mental masturbation“), but all it did was confuse me more and more. I can look back on my life, however, and there were a few guys I happened to be friends with that I would have probably engaged in a relationship, but the opportunity never presented itself – and when it did, I ran from it.
Truthfully, I have become more comfortable with the “bisexual” label. I know when I had discussed this with my therapist, she had suggested I ignore the labels and simply accept the reality that I have enjoyed sexual relations with men and women. She even suggested I accept that I am completely capable of enjoying a sexual or romantic relationship with either men or women in the future and that the decision to do so was solely up to me and I can do it without reservation. Being able to discuss this matter with my therapist had brought me a lot of peace. Honestly, in my “real” life, no one would even suspect I’m “gay” or “bisexual” or anything of the sort. I am rarely on anyone’s “Gaydar” and typically only express my inner-self online – here, in fact.
But it doesn’t answer the question: Am I gay?
I don’t believe I am, I believe I am bisexual, but if I were gay, I’m so thankful I have friends that would accept me that way too.
I’m having a hard time falling asleep tonight. I’ve finished 5 days of complete sobriety, altered my diet to better eating and attempting to remain positive. Today, I felt an overwhelming amount of energy…ahem…and the energy has increased. I’m having a difficult time winding down to sleep. I’ve gone through this before and it unnerves me a bit, because I have resorted to drinking before to settle myself.
But, this is also one of those times where I have wondered if this is a manic state common to bipolar disorder. I’ve never been diagnosed, but I have wondered about it for a few different reasons: I have biologic family members on my mom’s side of the family that have the condition, there are a few addicts (drug and alcohol) on my mom’s side of the family, suicide, etc. Understanding that there are some mental illnesses that have a genetic link, has made me wonder if I might have these problems too – even to a lesser degree.
Granted, I’m not sure that I would do anything specific, but I do ponder these things and it sometimes adds to the insomnia I feel during these times. I also begin to think about other things, because my mind begins to wander – a dangerous thing for anxious thoughts. What I do know, however, is that this means there will need to be a doubling down in my efforts to stay away from drinking.
I haven’t written in my Beautiful You Journal in a while, but I looked at the book tonight and found the topic interesting. The author stresses that where you put your energy is what you will become. I find the concept a major big deal, because I have been feeling lately that I put way too much time in whining about the negative aspects of my life and not enough time focusing on the good or what I can change. Personally, this past week has been a bit of a turning point for me and I am hoping to put more energy into positive changes. And this is what the author suggests would “reflect me at my core”.
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Chameleon Creates, Chameleon Plays.
Plucked from the decomposing garden; unveiled allegories by Lisa Ralph.
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Man is the master of Universe
Climb a mountain, swim in an ocean, breathe in the fresh forest air.
this is my rage. my loves. my rants. this is me.
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brav·ery ˈbrāv-rē, ˈbrā-və- noun | having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty
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I will sing to you, O God; Upon a harp of ten strings I will praise you.