…at least one here, but I struggle with my sexuality. I’m working on my 6th day of sobriety, and as my mind begins to clear and I can literally feel my mind cleaning up the garbage within my mind, I am left pondering with a mind clear of clutter.
The clutter I deal with is inundated from depression, anxiety, relationship issues, career matters, lack of confidence, lack of self-esteem and my sexuality. I used to pride myself on my ability to be clear in decision making, but now I can’t decide what color pants I should wear, let along anything serious. But one thing that sticks out in my mind, is my sexuality. I think of myself as bisexual, and somewhat of a dual-gender, but I find I accept myself more when I am under the influence of alcohol. But as my mind begins to clear and I begin thinking of ways to make my situation better, I also begin to contemplate the reality of my sexuality.
Am I truly bisexual? Am I truly someone that exhibits traits of more than one gender? Or has this been another escape mechanism I use to escape the problems in my life? I try and think about my life and the places I have felt sure of my sexuality and gender, but there are different places where I wonder if it were some animalistic urge taking over my common sense, or if I was truly acting in a way that is true to my being. Having a foundational upbringing in Catholicism has had an impact, I’m sure, but being a scientist is something else I consider. It always depends on my frame of mind.
I find myself constantly torn between doing what I believe is right versus what I feel makes me happy. I remember growing up and being told, “If it’s not illegal, immoral nor intending to hurt someone, then it’s not wrong.” Legality is an obvious matter – it’s the societal norms we have that dictate what is acceptable to the community at large. Morality is as concrete as the faith system you follow. Hurting someone is a matter of perspective. None of these things appeal to a solid answer for me, in terms of sexuality. Legality can conflict with morality. Morality can conflict with someone’s perspective. Someone’s perspective, given the right support, can alter legality. Government, religion, individuality are always at odds and in eternal conflict, aren’t they?
The fact that my career and marriage are not stable has a tremendous amount to do with the stress I experience. It adds to the stress I feel trying to understand myself. It sometimes makes me wonder if I am just fucked up and that my life has spiraled so far out of my control, that there is no saving it on my terms. Sometimes I wonder, if I should have been in love with a man – or a different woman. Would that negate my status as a father? Can I even be a father, if I also enjoy wearing panties and dresses? What implications does this have for me? I ponder the implications for career and jobs. I ponder the reality of truly being “out”.
I have lived so safely within my own mind, but my mind cracks from the desire to drink and hide myself from everything. I want to avoid the drinking, but when my mind clears, I’m filled with the thoughts of “should” – What I should have done or what I shouldn’t have done. And I’m left wondering if I am bisexual or if I should be something else.
What is it that would give me the peace of mind I desire so much?