Today, I’m bombarded with typical Monday craziness. There are so many things that have to be done at work and when I’m asked by bosses for an update on activities, I am instantly concerned about my level of work output. I know I’m meeting expectations, but I’m not meeting my expectations. I find myself struggling with doing my best performance at work versus doing my best performance at finding a different career/job. I still can’t come to terms with where I want to be, nor what I want to be doing.
Last week, for example, I had a phone interview for a position that would be a field engineer position. It would be an entry-level position and paying less than I make now. Obviously, the potential employer is concerned that I would bother with the position, but I explained that it would be in an industry I haven’t worked and I would be happy to learn the position, industry and company before expecting anything I “deserve” (I have issues with that word – maybe, someday I’ll explain why). It’s a typical thing I hear a lot – that I am used to higher level positions and they can’t imagine I would be happy doing something less. Truthfully, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t give a shit about proving myself anymore. I just want to enjoy life and those higher level positions involve so much responsibility I don’t feel like it anymore. I’d rather get paid to write, I’d rather get paid to do mundane things. I’ve come to a point in my life, where all the things I learned in college – the things I was really good at doing – don’t actually matter to anyone or anything, so my knowledge has become irrelevant. It’s not that I don’t want to work, but I want to work and then leave it at work instead of taking it with me.
Today, I’m probably going to be working late and when I made that realization a thought came to me. It’s the thought, as an “alcoholic”, I’m supposed to be aware: Would anyone even care, if I sat here doing my work while drinking a beer? Actually, part of my job can be done in my hotel room where no one will even know… It are these kinds of thoughts that I dread, because it makes me feel less than normal – like I really am something less than. I hate being honest with myself, and I hate the way it makes me feel when I am honest with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I can be normal, if I can ever enjoy a beer without worry that it will destroy me.
I sent to an AA meeting yesterday, before leaving town to come back to work. It was with the group I first began going to AA meetings – almost a year ago – when I first began thinking I had a problem. I was somewhat ashamed to see the faces of people that had such high hopes for me – like they were personally invested in me succeeding – and knowing I didn’t meet their expectations. Or did I? On some level, I find the encouragement and fellowship to be something missing in my life; but on another level, the whole conversations about Higher Power, or God, are frustrating to me. I don’t know why this is.
I feel anxious today and with that anxiousness, I feel like a failure and with that feeling of failing, I feel like drinking. I feel like I always have to perform at my best, I have to succeed, I have to perform and strive, or else nothing makes sense. I ponder my emotional state, I ponder what I take comfort in doing, I ponder what it is that would truly make me happy. And I feel sorry for all of those people that I don’t make happy.
I’m in a constant state of discontent…
And I don’t know how to escape…
But I am on my 5th day of sobriety.