I’ve made it into my second day…

I finished an entire day of sobriety last night. Since I kept myself pretty busy, yesterday, I didn’t have a problem until evening. As much as I dislike Alcoholics Anonymous, however, I went to a meeting. It went pretty much like I expected and I was listening to everyone and when it came to me…

…I bawled. I felt so ashamed being in there and I felt so defeated, since I didn’t meet 90 days sober (I started drinking again with 2 days before making it to 90) back in April. The truth of the matter is that I don’t WANT to be an alcoholic. I used to pride myself on my ability to be self-disciplined and I want to believe I can be there again. Truthfully, I despise the first part of the first step of AA’s 12 steps – “We admitted we are powerless over alcohol…”  I hate the word ‘powerless’. Fuck you! I am not powerless, I will own this mother fucker, watch me! (Have I ever mentioned, I am not real fond of anyone telling me I can’t do something…or that I’m incapable of doing something…it just pisses me off!)

On some level, I get it, but on another I bothers me that an excuse is provided to people who don’t want to be accountable to their actions. I can honestly say, there is nothing I have done in my life that I have ever felt “it was the alcohol” that did it.  Not once! I know members of AA call this “the yets” – those negative results that I’m yet, to have. But isn’t that sort of the point? When I’ve drank, I knew when I couldn’t drive, so I didn’t. I’ve never experienced a blackout and I’ve never had entire chunks of my memory gone. Granted, when I was a lot younger, I had partied a little and had gotten drunk and said the famous last words, “I’m never going to do that again”. I’ve never done anything criminal when under the influence – well, unless you considered mooning people illegal, but I did that sober too. In fact, the last time I got drunk was over 6 years ago, and it was at a high school reunion.  Okay, honestly…I acted like a jack ass that night. I went a little overboard.

Or am I minimizing?  That’s really the question isn’t it?  But I try to look at things objectively to determine if there is a problem. AA members tell you to look at if you can try controlled drinking and the truth of the matter when I drink beer, it’s literally three beers I drink and then I’m done. For the past four months, I’ve sat down to dinner and had three beers and then go back to my hotel room. True there have been a couple of times that I drank four or five and the other night I drank six, but I was already in and not going anywhere. I listen to people talk about their drinking and they talk about not being able to stop at one.

Hmmm…

I haven’t had just one beer, for as long as I can remember. One is not enough, two is not bad, but three seems to be my magical number – if there is one. But I’m aware, I’m completely aware.

Or am I trying to convince myself or others? Why is it bothering me so much, unless I am feeling guilty about it?  That’s the real issue, right? It’s that worry that I am drinking too much. If I’m drinking three beers per day, that would be 21 in a week, right? That’s almost an entire case in a week, by myself. Is that a problem? And why do I do it? What is it that tells me a beer sounds like a good idea?

It’s the second half of that first step that hits home for me: “…that our lives had become unmanageable.” And that’s the token for me, I believe. I started managing my stress, anxiety, and depression with beer. Proverbially, I add fuel to the fuckin’ fire. I am able to avoid my pain, hurt, fear and all the various emotions by hiding and numbing my senses. The truth of the matter – which I have not been honest about – is that I stopped caring. I assumed that nothing was working out the way I hoped that there was no point to life and that I might as well numb it all with beer – at least I enjoyed beer, since I wasn’t enjoying anything else. I just assumed I could slowly drift into oblivion…

I was not managing my life in a healthy way, and the fact that I thought I was ready to take on the challenge of accepting a new position in another state, knowing my wife would hate that possibility, meant I had not concept of what I was really doing. AA members always suggest not making any major decisions in the first year of society, but we were at a point of losing everything or taking a risk – and I’m a risk taker, by nature, and this was not a bad risk to take. My marriage may end, my job may end, I may need to sell my body to make ends meet (by the pound, I might be a rich mofo! – just kidding, I won’t sell my body), but I needed to make this decision.

And I need to manage my life…

But I’m still unsure about AA – especially the entire concept of Higher Power, God, or whatever else they come up with in these meetings to mask the obvious religiosity of that program.

I’ll need a helluva lot of luck to get through this weekend, since I drive home this evening, but I am on

Day 2

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “I’ve made it into my second day…”

  1. WOW! I don’t know nearly enough about you to say anything useful…but I can say that you are to be commended for challenging yourself, for taking a fair look at things, and asking hard questions. I, for one, am rooting for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I hear what you’re saying about ‘not having control’ of your drinking. It’s such a subjective thing. I’d be really sad not to drink any more, at least a little. On the other hand, if I found that I couldn’t do without a drink on any given day, I might be worried. Drinking is definitely self medication sometimes for me. Probably for you, too. I don’t know when that becomes alcoholism though. Some would probably say that it already is. If you can stop at two or three beers, if you don’t have to have it every day, or if this is just a rough patch… Maybe I should shut up, I sound like an enabler! Or these are the excuses I use on myself.😑

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Meg, I agree with you. In fact I never imagined myself to be drunk like I am these days. Gotta stop somehow. And to think I did not even drink anything with a hint of liquor until I was 30.5 years old! Late starters probably tend catch up – Ahem, my excuse!

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Well… I was raised around alcohol, with a healthy view of it really. So I had parents that gave me watered down wine when I was just a little girl. I feel like I have a drinking dichotomy if you will. On one hand I can and have given it up for health reasons like diet and trying to lose weight. And on the other hand I know that when I’m miserable I use it like a crutch. Thing is… Being able to accept what you’re doing, own it, if you will. Then I think you can avoid the whole AA thing. Because not everyone who drinks a lot is a drunk, know what I mean?

        Liked by 2 people

      1. Oh but I want to be helpful! 😬 I’m not sure that was helpful… I do think there’s a balance to be found between drinking for relaxation/socialization and using alcohol to drown your sorrows. I teeter between the two I think. I think I’ve alluded to some of my extemporaneous issues…

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I agree with your thoughts on the AA stuff. I’ve never had a problem with alcohol (not really anyway) and therefore never had to attend one of those meetings, but I know a close friend who has. And when she talks to me about the things they say, I feel like going in there and giving them a piece of my mind. Not a good thing, I should just shut up, lol.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s