Defining the Problem

defined

By education, I am a scientist. Solving problems have been something I have always been adept at doing. I used to have the frame of mind that logic wins out over emotions in any situation…

…except when the biggest problems you’re facing are the emotional problems. And yet, a logical approach isn’t really such a bad idea – especially when the logic is to address the emotions.

So, I’m going to be somewhat raw in what I actually dislike about myself, that I believe are things within my control. Because, I know a lot of the things I say – when Hilda comes out – are merely symptoms of the problem. I want to be at a place where I like myself and part of liking yourself comes from feeling good about yourself. I’m not going to be complete in the things I dislike – I posted before on the topic; I don’t want to overwhelm myself, but there are some major ones that must be addressed immediately:

  1. Drinking. I have to face the reality on this. I know I like beer – hell, I really enjoy it. But I have gone from enjoying it to actually using it as the excuse to hide my feelings. It’s being used as a crutch to help me get through the day. I know people believe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), but I’m not so sure on the idea. I still believe I have the power of choice, and I need to feel that power or else I’ll never feel good about myself. I am glad that they have those meetings all over, but let’s face it, I’m not so sure I believe in the same things most of them believe in… I can not admit that I have lost the power over the so-called first drink (I dunno…step 1 or 2 of AA’s 12 step program). No, I’m the one who made the decision, so it’s got to be me that sees it through.
  2. My Weight. Here’s the thing, I’m extremely ashamed to admit it. I don’t know if I’m ashamed because of the shock value it may have or the fact that I know, deep down, I know that this is my fault. I stopped caring about myself, I stopped caring about the things I enjoy and the things I loved. I eat my feelings and I eat my resentment, because the truth of the matter is that I seek quick comfort when things feel overwhelming. But here is it. When I was in high school, I weighed 160 lbs. I began weight lifting in college and when I was 23, I was 210 lbs. I was rock solid and all muscle. I worked out constantly and ate everything that was healthy. I would only drink occasionally, and sugar was rarely in my diet. I ate a lot of fruit, a lot of lean meat and a lot of vegetables. However, 20 years later is a completely different story – one that involved me hating myself and taking it out on myself. I can give you all of the gory details of my self-degradation, but the why isn’t nearly as important as the end-result. A whopping 273 pounds – which is not my heaviest of 278 pounds, but damned close. So, I need to change this.
  3. My attitude. That’s right, when I look back on my life, I was happiest when I was healthiest. As my health, mind and body deteriorated, so did my attitude (Actually, the attitude is the source, I’m sure). I have found plenty of advice in counseling/therapy, plenty of support here and very little at home. There are people you should trust with your problems and then their are people you should just know better. I am not comfortable with the idea that my spouse is not my soul mate, but then again, maybe the only thing that’s important is where I am at and not where I have been. I can no longer be upset with people who are mean, if I choose to participate in the bullshit. I have to rise above, if for no other reason that I don’t like living in shit.  Seriously, it’s the perfect analogy, if I do say so myself.
  4. Self-Acceptance. I’m listing this as last, although it is really a summary of everything. I mentioned today, that I felt I have made my worst mistake 15 years ago and I want other people to accept me as I am and yet I haven’t accepted myself. Also, I need to keep working towards the fact that I can control some things in my life and I don’t need to make excuses for these things. I own this life, it’s mine!  I whine and cry about my depression, I whine and cry about my anxiety, I whine and cry about my marriage, I whine and cry about my sexuality and gender, but what I don’t do is embrace myself. Fuck it! I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t like misery – just like I told someone else this week. I don’t want to live in the miserable world that person lives in any longer. If I want to be happy, then I need to be happy with myself and that means with everything. Yes, I’m probably a little bit gender-fluid (as I’ve heard the term used). Sometimes I am love my masculine nature and my stereo-typical male attitude; but sometimes, I need to feel like a pretty woman. I have a paradox of needing to exhibit my male-ness and other times, I need to shave my legs and put on a skirt. Yes, I have enjoyed sex with guys and girls – sometimes I’ve enjoyed it, sometimes I didn’t. I have accomplished things others haven’t, and yet I am not as accomplished as others – so the fuck what? All I need to know is that I liked it. Yes, I fucked up in a lot of ways in life; but if I’m honest with myself, I’ve rocked this mutha-fucker too! So, I will accept the bad…but more importantly, I need to accept the good!

The bottom line is that I have not climbed out of this pit I’m in, because I keep throwing the rope back up. I’m a beautiful person (So, I’ve been told), and I deserve to let my inner-beauty shine a little more, so it’s time I come out of the muck!

And for starters, I’ll tell you all my real name and social security number, as well as what my home address is…

…just kidding! 😀

But I will develop myself an action plan to a better me. And I’m going to embrace all aspects of my personality.

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18 thoughts on “Defining the Problem”

  1. I went through a stint in therapy a few years ago. It was all too much, and I was lost for a time. It helped. And the thing stuck in my mind after all this time was one specific quote of his: see the good. No everything, including myself. Fuck yes, you’ve done amazing and admirable things in your life. Most of us have, in one form or another. But we tend to focus much of our energy on the bad we’ve done or that others have done to us. Yeah, we all have a past, some of us with more than our share of closet dwelling skeletons. But it is in the past, unchangable and frozen in time. But our futures are up to us. You’re in control. It’s your novel. Don’t let someone or something else write it. Pick up your pen and go! And see the good. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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