By education, I am a scientist. Solving problems have been something I have always been adept at doing. I used to have the frame of mind that logic wins out over emotions in any situation…
…except when the biggest problems you’re facing are the emotional problems. And yet, a logical approach isn’t really such a bad idea – especially when the logic is to address the emotions.
So, I’m going to be somewhat raw in what I actually dislike about myself, that I believe are things within my control. Because, I know a lot of the things I say – when Hilda comes out – are merely symptoms of the problem. I want to be at a place where I like myself and part of liking yourself comes from feeling good about yourself. I’m not going to be complete in the things I dislike – I posted before on the topic; I don’t want to overwhelm myself, but there are some major ones that must be addressed immediately:
- Drinking. I have to face the reality on this. I know I like beer – hell, I really enjoy it. But I have gone from enjoying it to actually using it as the excuse to hide my feelings. It’s being used as a crutch to help me get through the day. I know people believe in AA (Alcoholics Anonymous), but I’m not so sure on the idea. I still believe I have the power of choice, and I need to feel that power or else I’ll never feel good about myself. I am glad that they have those meetings all over, but let’s face it, I’m not so sure I believe in the same things most of them believe in… I can not admit that I have lost the power over the so-called first drink (I dunno…step 1 or 2 of AA’s 12 step program). No, I’m the one who made the decision, so it’s got to be me that sees it through.
- My Weight. Here’s the thing, I’m extremely ashamed to admit it. I don’t know if I’m ashamed because of the shock value it may have or the fact that I know, deep down, I know that this is my fault. I stopped caring about myself, I stopped caring about the things I enjoy and the things I loved. I eat my feelings and I eat my resentment, because the truth of the matter is that I seek quick comfort when things feel overwhelming. But here is it. When I was in high school, I weighed 160 lbs. I began weight lifting in college and when I was 23, I was 210 lbs. I was rock solid and all muscle. I worked out constantly and ate everything that was healthy. I would only drink occasionally, and sugar was rarely in my diet. I ate a lot of fruit, a lot of lean meat and a lot of vegetables. However, 20 years later is a completely different story – one that involved me hating myself and taking it out on myself. I can give you all of the gory details of my self-degradation, but the why isn’t nearly as important as the end-result. A whopping 273 pounds – which is not my heaviest of 278 pounds, but damned close. So, I need to change this.
- My attitude. That’s right, when I look back on my life, I was happiest when I was healthiest. As my health, mind and body deteriorated, so did my attitude (Actually, the attitude is the source, I’m sure). I have found plenty of advice in counseling/therapy, plenty of support here and very little at home. There are people you should trust with your problems and then their are people you should just know better. I am not comfortable with the idea that my spouse is not my soul mate, but then again, maybe the only thing that’s important is where I am at and not where I have been. I can no longer be upset with people who are mean, if I choose to participate in the bullshit. I have to rise above, if for no other reason that I don’t like living in shit. Seriously, it’s the perfect analogy, if I do say so myself.
- Self-Acceptance. I’m listing this as last, although it is really a summary of everything. I mentioned today, that I felt I have made my worst mistake 15 years ago and I want other people to accept me as I am and yet I haven’t accepted myself. Also, I need to keep working towards the fact that I can control some things in my life and I don’t need to make excuses for these things. I own this life, it’s mine! I whine and cry about my depression, I whine and cry about my anxiety, I whine and cry about my marriage, I whine and cry about my sexuality and gender, but what I don’t do is embrace myself. Fuck it! I’m not doing it anymore. I don’t like misery – just like I told someone else this week. I don’t want to live in the miserable world that person lives in any longer. If I want to be happy, then I need to be happy with myself and that means with everything. Yes, I’m probably a little bit gender-fluid (as I’ve heard the term used). Sometimes I am love my masculine nature and my stereo-typical male attitude; but sometimes, I need to feel like a pretty woman. I have a paradox of needing to exhibit my male-ness and other times, I need to shave my legs and put on a skirt. Yes, I have enjoyed sex with guys and girls – sometimes I’ve enjoyed it, sometimes I didn’t. I have accomplished things others haven’t, and yet I am not as accomplished as others – so the fuck what? All I need to know is that I liked it. Yes, I fucked up in a lot of ways in life; but if I’m honest with myself, I’ve rocked this mutha-fucker too! So, I will accept the bad…but more importantly, I need to accept the good!
The bottom line is that I have not climbed out of this pit I’m in, because I keep throwing the rope back up. I’m a beautiful person (So, I’ve been told), and I deserve to let my inner-beauty shine a little more, so it’s time I come out of the muck!
And for starters, I’ll tell you all my real name and social security number, as well as what my home address is…
…just kidding! 😀
But I will develop myself an action plan to a better me. And I’m going to embrace all aspects of my personality.