Confession time: I am more effed up than I thought.

I have a confession.

I’ve still been drinking. I’m nailing 4 or 5 beers in a session.

I have another confession. I drink to hide my guilt. I have a major part to play in the downfall of my marriage.

I began this post to give a overview of my life in the past 20 years. But as I began to write it, I realized that I am only responsible for my own actions. The truth of the matter is that I screwed up in some major ways in my marriage – in spite of how I felt, I didn’t have the guts to stand my own ground in a positive way. On some level, I want to discuss the physical, mental and emotional abuse I experienced. But what does it matter when I made the decision to cheat almost 15 years ago? What does it matter when I chose to match toxic behavior with a toxic response? I sought a quick and easy way to make myself feel better.

It solved nothing…

My 44th birthday is in less than a week; I was going to wait until then to stop drinking, because dates matter to me. But that’s an excuse, isn’t it?

I bought a 6 pack last night and drank 5, sitting in my hotel room and feeling sorry for myself. I dumped the last one out this morning. I opened the bottle and dumped it down the toilet.

Fuck it and fuck this shit. I can’t expect the people in my life, or the situation of my life to change to suit my needs, but I can make sure that I’m matching calamity with serenity.

I don’t know how I’m going to do it, or how I’m gonna fucking survive, but I’m sick of feeling sorry for myself. I was a fuckin’ bad-ass once, why the fuck can’t I be a bad-ass again?

I’m on Mutha-Fuckin’ Day 1, bitches!

 

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30 thoughts on “Confession time: I am more effed up than I thought.”

  1. Drinking never did anything for anybody…except make them feel really, really good for a brief moment. The crap-chaser is what feels horrible. I spent a LOT of money over the stretch of a year drinking considerably more than five beers in an evening. I added a measure of excitement to mine and took to defeating the DUI patrols with my well-rehearsed impaired driving skills. I did beat them all, by way. I was pulled over twice – both times having a full fifth of Bacardi 151 flowing through my system. I managed to continue driving after bidding the trooper adieu.

    What an idiot, I was.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Day one! Face forward, move ahead. Constantly berating yourself for past mistakes won’t change a thing. (I know pot calling kettle black, here…) But it’s true. You can’t change the past but you CAN try to fix what can be fixed and let go of the things that can’t. Love you! Mean it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Please don’t try alone because you are super likely to fail and then be at square one. Decide to love yourself not matter what and start going to meetings, it’s a couch for a reason and the support will multiply your chance of success.

    Liked by 1 person

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