Today, I began a post where I wanted to discuss the concept of accepting that I deserve love. This has something to do with a therapy session I had a while back, and I can’t help but think that it is so untrue. Today, my mind is in a 1000 different places. I have things to do, tasks and deadlines to meet, my relationship status is still unsure and my anxiety is reaching unprecedented levels in my mind. I used to perform so well under pressure. I used to be able to direct myself in the most productive way possible. But I can’t even focus on simple things. I used to enjoy focusing my mind on complex things, because the process of problem solving is appealing to me. I try so many different things to curb the anxiety, but today it’s unbearable.
I feel myself cracking.
There are things I want to do.
There are things I don’t want to do, but it is important I do them.
I can’t even tell myself what I should eat for breakfast, because I want to be healthy, but I want to feel good.
I want to deny myself the things that are not good for me.
But the things that are not good for me, give me pleasure…
…short lived, but gives me relief from things.
I want a pedicure, it’s been a while.
Should I shave my legs again?
I want to exercise. It’s been far too long.
I want to fight. Exert some energy.
I want to hike, but I have been taking little care for my health.
I want to punch something.
I want to fuck.
I want to get fucked.
I want to drink.
I don’t want to drink.
I hate Hilda…dumb bitch!
I need to read and journal in my BYJ.
I have to get shit done today.
What if I fail? What if I don’t meet expectations.
What if I am truly fucked up?
I want to dance!
I want to climb.
I need to get out.
Where do I go?
The thoughts run through in a frenzied mosh of jumbled chaos. NEver allowing me to find what works.
Snap my fingers! That works!
Fuck it, bang my head on a wall. That’ll work.
I’m so behind. I’ve sacrificed my principles for someone that doesn’t care about my efforts. I’ve fucked up my life by not being true to myself.
What the fuck have I done!
The thoughts twirl in my head.
Fuck! I got a meeting in 10 minutes; I’m unfucking prepared for this shit. What the fuck happened to me?! I used to always be prepared.
Fuck, why do you bother trying to make anyone happy, you can’t fucking make yourself happy?!?! Fuck this.
My mind races, how can I do this? I want to drink, but I know it’s now or never to stop. I want someone to fuck me! Bend me over and fuck me!
My mind races; how do I find the peace!
I need to punch something. I need to run away, down the road. Find a place to hide from it all. I need someone to slap me in the face, knock some sense into me. Smack my ass, whatever it takes.
The itching pain.
It slithers through my mind. Poisoning my thoughts, giving way to dark imagery. Relief.
I need relief.
I need focus.
I need to prioritize.
Make a list, what needs to get done?
What’s the most important thing to take care of?
I have to take care of myself. Nothing else will matter, if I’m not healthy – physically or mentally.
Fight the negativity.
Fight it. Get mean, if you have to.
Don’t let it win.
Not this time!
Hilda? Fuck off! Get the fuck out of my mind! Fucking get out! Leave me alone.