Scatter-brained.

Today, I began a post where I wanted to discuss the concept of accepting that I deserve love. This has something to do with a therapy session I had a while back, and I can’t help but think that it is so untrue. Today, my mind is in a 1000 different places. I have things to do, tasks and deadlines to meet, my relationship status is still unsure and my anxiety is reaching unprecedented levels in my mind. I used to perform so well under pressure. I used to be able to direct myself in the most productive way possible. But I can’t even focus on simple things. I used to enjoy focusing my mind on complex things, because the process of problem solving is appealing to me. I try so many different things to curb the anxiety, but today it’s unbearable.

I feel myself cracking.

There are things I want to do.

There are things I don’t want to do, but it is important I do them.

I can’t even tell myself what I should eat for breakfast, because I want to be healthy, but I want to feel good.

I want to deny myself the things that are not good for me.

But the things that are not good for me, give me pleasure…

…short lived, but gives me relief from things.

I want a pedicure, it’s been a while.

Should I shave my legs again?

I want to exercise. It’s been far too long.

I want to fight. Exert some energy.

I want to hike, but I have been taking little care for my health.

I want to punch something.

I want to fuck.

I want to get fucked.

I want to drink.

I don’t want to drink.

I hate Hilda…dumb bitch!

I need to read and journal in my BYJ.

I have to get shit done today.

What if I fail? What if I don’t meet expectations.

What if I am truly fucked up?

I want to dance!

I want to climb.

I need to get out.

Where do I go?

The thoughts run through in a frenzied mosh of jumbled chaos. NEver allowing me to find what works.

Snap my fingers! That works!

Fuck it, bang my head on a wall. That’ll work.

I’m so behind. I’ve sacrificed my principles for someone that doesn’t care about my efforts. I’ve fucked up my life by not being true to myself.

What the fuck have I done!

The thoughts twirl in my head.

Fuck! I got a meeting in 10 minutes; I’m unfucking prepared for this shit. What the fuck happened to me?! I used to always be prepared.

Fuck, why do you bother trying to make anyone happy, you can’t fucking make yourself happy?!?!Β  Fuck this.

My mind races, how can I do this? I want to drink, but I know it’s now or never to stop. I want someone to fuck me! Bend me over and fuck me!

My mind races; how do I find the peace!

I need to punch something. I need to run away, down the road. Find a place to hide from it all. I need someone to slap me in the face, knock some sense into me. Smack my ass, whatever it takes.

The itching pain.

It slithers through my mind. Poisoning my thoughts, giving way to dark imagery. Relief.

I need relief.

I need focus.

I need to prioritize.

Make a list, what needs to get done?

What’s the most important thing to take care of?

Myself.

I have to take care of myself. Nothing else will matter, if I’m not healthy – physically or mentally.

Fight the negativity.

Fight it. Get mean, if you have to.

Don’t let it win.

Not this time!

Hilda? Fuck off! Get the fuck out of my mind! Fucking get out! Leave me alone.

 

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29 thoughts on “Scatter-brained.”

  1. πŸ’™βš˜ I can relate to almost exactly all of this!! So much to do, need to take care of myself, way too stressed out, dont even have energy to blog. Hell, I just want to call in sick the rest of the week and drink champagne and write poems and feel sorry for myself… (and pick up a stranger and have “revenge sex”, well revenge against the narcissist ex then, except he doesnt give a fuck about me, so where is the revenge in that…πŸ˜‚). LOL, perhaps I am not really helping you in any way at all, except that I can say that you are NOT alone, I am in a chaos too… we can only do our best. This life isnt easy some time. I have set the bar very low this week; get through the work for the week. Period. Whatever else I do/accomplish/dont screw up, is just a “bonus”. πŸ˜‰ Hugs!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs! I hope you feel a bit better having written that all out. There is a meditation I watched once and it helps me when I’m overwhelmed. It’s basically thinking about boxes and the one in front of you is what you can do right at that moment. So you visualize yourself taking everything out of that box in front of you except for what you truly need to do in that moment. Anything for tomorrow or in a few hours you pick up and remove to a box on the side. It really makes me feel better when I’m anxious and it’s like midnight and there’s nothing I can do anyway. I empty the box and feel more relaxed. Have you ever done any guided meditations?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anxiety is a M*****F*****! I’ve dealt with it on and off for many years & can totally 100% relate to what you’re feeling. I’m sorry you’re struggling so & I hope that you find solace in your writing. I know that I do. It helps. My wish for you is to find peace for your soul and joy scattered like billions of tiny jewels showering brilliantly upon you. Shave your legs, go for a hike, drink some tea and take one moment at a time. You are not alone. Sending you a BIG hug ()

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I hate when anxiety causes my thoughts to supernova into chaos. When I’m overwhelmed with crazy making, I try to stop and focus on what I need in that moment. Sometimes it looks like stopping and writing when I should be doing work. Sometimes it’s eating chocolate or taking a nap or simply telling myself that I’m okay and I’m going to be okay, even if I don’t completely believe it. The best place to start is with yourself in the present. Everything else will fall into place once you’re in a better mental state. I hope you find your peace soon. πŸ’™

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment. I admit, I struggle with it more now than I ever did in the past. For some reason, my coping mechanisms from before don’t seem to be available to me now. I’m looking for different options now. πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. It sounds like the uncertainty in your marriage is a major player in your current struggle. At least, that’s what happened to me. I was a horrible wreck during the “purgatory” period when I wasn’t sure if I was staying or leaving. I’m glad you are seeking more support.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. A lot of your conflicts are the same as mine. We feel crazy, we want, we desire… and nothing calms down the soul searching for the elusive happiness. I feel you! πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•πŸ’•

    Liked by 1 person

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