They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Nothing changes, and yet I’m hoping for happiness.
I feel like I’m going nuts.
I haven’t had a real conversation with anyone in ages. I feel like I’m living my life online. I avoid reality. I don’t even remember what I like anymore. The conversations I do have with “real” people are online or the same conversations I have with the same people. I have lost something, and I don’t even know what it is.
This weekend, I was referred to as boring.
I am. I have lost any sense of excitement. I have lost my ability to find inspiration and have lost my desire to live. I was characterized as living to work instead of working to live. I have been overwhelmed with such a sense of responsibility that I don’t know how to enjoy life. I’m always tired, always afraid of doing something outside the norm – obviously, most of the things I discuss here are never done in “real” life. I’ve lost my sense of adventure.
What happened to me?
Is it the beer?
Is it my marriage?
Has it been finances?
Has it been my brother’s suicide?
Has it been my own struggle to find respect?
Did the realization of my sexuality ruin my mind?
Today, I was asked what I want to do to celebrate my birthday – it’s a week from Wednesday – and I have no idea. I don’t know what would bring my the joy I need. Birthday? I can’t remember the last time I cared. I’ll be 44, next week, but I feel 64…I feel like I’m fading away.
I don’t find myself to be fun, anymore and yet I’m hurt and offended if someone else refers to me as boring. Where am I going wrong?
I look to make others proud of me…I’m torn. Nothing makes sense anymore.
I can’t find the source of fire I need to ignite my soul. Passion…where did it go? How did it get ruined?