Insane?

They say the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I’m there.

Nothing changes, and yet I’m hoping for happiness.

I feel like I’m going nuts.

I haven’t had a real conversation with anyone in ages. I feel like I’m living my life online. I avoid reality. I don’t even remember what I like anymore. The conversations I do have with “real” people are online or the same conversations I have with the same people. I have lost something, and I don’t even know what it is.

This weekend, I was referred to as boring.

I am. I have lost any sense of excitement. I have lost my ability to find inspiration and have lost my desire to live. I was characterized as living to work instead of working to live. I have been overwhelmed with such a sense of responsibility that I don’t know how to enjoy life. I’m always tired, always afraid of doing something outside the norm – obviously, most of the things I discuss here are never done in “real” life. I’ve lost my sense of adventure.

What happened to me?

Is it the beer?

Is it my marriage?

Has it been finances?

Has it been my brother’s suicide?

Has it been my own struggle to find respect?

Did the realization of my sexuality ruin my mind?

Today, I was asked what I want to do to celebrate my birthday – it’s a week from Wednesday – and I have no idea. I don’t know what would bring my the joy I need. Birthday? I can’t remember the last time I cared. I’ll be 44, next week, but I feel 64…I feel like I’m fading away.

I don’t find myself to be fun, anymore and yet I’m hurt and offended if someone else refers to me as boring. Where am I going wrong?

I look to make others proud of me…I’m torn. Nothing makes sense anymore.

I can’t find the source of fire I need to ignite my soul. Passion…where did it go? How did it get ruined?

I’m lost…

…or insane.

Advertisements

44 thoughts on “Insane?”

  1. Oh, this really hits home with me. I have felt and thought lots of this. I am thankful that it’s not constant, although when it hits, it feels like it’ll never go away. I truly wish I could say something meaningful and helpful, but I’m not sure I know what that would be… and I’m not sure I can think too much about it because I’m afraid I’ll fall into it. 😦 I’m so sorry you feel this way.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. In a way you are reaching out into spirit through the virtual world. The church and organized religion has failed us if we question too much. We still want the safety many got. The Internet has it’s dark side and light side. Meditation helped me get back in the flow and freeing me of the need to be an unpaid CEO of everything. I pray but don’t get me started on religion. Spirituality is something different even for many people I know still calling themselves atheists. Often it is us who hurt because we have compassion. Don’t give up mate

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Still trying that myself mate. Had a hell of a year last year where I finally got my begging for help heard. Slowly now though and sometimes I want more. I grieve for a few things. Some hopeless people making good coin not to help us or anyone including themselves

        Liked by 2 people

  3. Yeah I hear ya. Depression sucks. I’ve had problems with anxiety and depression over the last 20 years. I’m 32 now. I hope you feel better soon.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve recently been back to my psychiatrist and I’ve started taking Mirtazapine (anti-depressant). It’s still early days but I’ve already noticed an improvement. For me medication is really important if I want to be able to get back into work.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. It sounds like you’re soul searching in the dark. I wish I had an instant cure to send you, but…
    I am 35 and I had to do some soul searching a few times myself to replace numbness with excitement and inspiration. The first time was just before my 10th birthday and my dad died. I felt numb and lost without him. A year later my big brother died. I felt twice as numb and lost. Those were black times. I really withdrew from the world when my brother died (psychiatry called it regressing into a shell, as though I were a turtle); I said very little to anyone. It was then my mother considered homeschooling me because of my depression and poor grades. When she took me out of school and before I began seeing a psychiatrist, I found I loved words and began writing poetry. It made me happy. I learned a few chords on the guitar and sang my poems to myself. (I was my favorite audience and I loved to entertain myself for hours.) I began dancing ballet in public again. (I forgot to mention I danced.) All the things I liked doing I did for myself… no one else. That whole withdrawal thing was a type of meditation… a time of positive self-discovery and the things that make me happy.
    So I’m saying don’t give up. Keep soul searching. Go deep. You’ll find that spark, that connection, that something you say is missing. And it’s ok to do it alone. I think it’s necessary to do it alone. But don’t force it. Let it happen. It takes time and faith in yourself. Dismiss doubt. Dismiss fear. Dismiss the people who should ridicule you. Trust your instincts. And mostly: BELIEVE. Enjoyment, happiness, contentment… they’re all in you. Just look. Then bring them out, one at a time.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I find you to be a true inspiration. your artistic abilities are truly amazing! Thank you, for sharing a little about yourself, and I will take your words to heart. I’m on a path of discovery and I think the part that hurts the most is that it has taken this long for me to get there. I appreciate your encouragement. ❤

      Liked by 2 people

    1. I have found that writing is a great relief. Granted, I am not cured of my temptation to drink…at all. In fact, I just killed a 6 pack. I was almost at 90 days, this past april, but I have been drinking since then. It sucks. I know it needs to stop, but it needs to stop.

      Like

      1. It’s all just a big vicious circle, I am now on day 4, last 3 days have been awful but today I’m feeling a bit more positive. I am able to think of other things today. I hope your day 4 comes soon

        Liked by 1 person

  5. What I feel bad about myself is that I know that some people in my life are actually reaching out and trying to help me but I’m the one that keeps pulling away. Depression sucks so bad. I wanna be happy but I let myself drown anyway.

    I hope your day is better than mine.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Be kind to yourself..At least you are aware of where you are at and that is the first step..You are not blindly living life without awareness..
    Baby steps help..Set yourself small goals..
    Tackle each thing one a time, because if you try and do too many things at once then you will most likely give up half way through..

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, I know you are right. As soon as I read this, I was thinking that’s what I do…I come up with massive, grand-scheme outlooks on life and then I’m shocked that I feel overwhelmed.
      The baby step approach is probably where I really need to be.
      Thank you! ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome! Mental illness can do that or just being too hard on ourselves..Baby steps, work on them for a couple of weeks..Then once you are satisfied, move onto the next one baby step..Persistence pays off 🙂 and of course good luck with it..

        Liked by 1 person

  7. This might sound weird-but my life has completely and radically changed for the better since I’ve started bio identical hormone therapy. It’s called Biote (check it out online). Its pellets of estrogen & testosterone inserted subcutaneously into the glutes. I go every 3.5 months for repelleting. You have blood tests taken to determine your hormone levels each time. I also take bio identical progesterone in pill form. There’s also a formula for men which I’ve heard is quite effective. I swear it’s made me way more even keeled, anxiety is almost totally gone (especially panic attacks & phobias) I’m motivated, sleeping well, clear headed and in general a much happier person. You really ought to consider checking this out. I also have a few friends who have had the same results. It’s truly a miracle! I know I must sound like an infomercial but this is the first thing that I’ve found that addresses so many of the things that you’ve mentioned in this post.
    You can always send me a private message if you’d like more details.
    😊

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Well, it’s not a prescription per se. I see an RN who specializes in the procedure. Here’s the website:
        http://www.biotemedical.com. There’s a list of providers by region. Unfortunately it’s not covered by insurance (the lab tests might be). The RN I see says that she has several men, including her husband, that have the procedure done with great results. I feel like a new person. Seriously. A brand new, happy, healthy me.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Well, for men, I doubt estrogen would be used, although I don’t know for certain. You would have a hormone panel taken first & based upon the results, a formulation would then be created for you. They check all the hormones including thyroid function. It’s pretty comprehensive. You’re at a good age to have these checked out if you haven’t done so already. I’m 51 and have been struggling with hormone issues since my early 30’s. Ugh. This is the first thing that’s helped and believe me, I’ve tried just about EVERYTHING!

            Liked by 1 person

  8. I have an eversion to ‘snappy-clever’ stuff like ‘Insanity is doing…yadayada’. Composed by folk who like to be thought of clever and then repeated. (Very ‘en trend’ amongst some of the fashionable self-appointed philosophers on UK social media)
    Actually nothing is ever the same. Every day and every action is unique to be geeky the mathematical and statistical likelihood of it being an exact duplicate of another is so minute as to be zero.
    OK geekiness over.
    Reading down the replies I see many brave and stalwart folk (yourself included) involved in the long war with the plethora of Depressive afflictions. Nothing of course is easy and there are long hard roads to be travelled. All I can offer is the consider some of the advice given here and see where that leads.
    Your are all valuable and important.
    God Bless You All

    Liked by 1 person

  9. I am absolutely certain that you are not boring! You are just tired. And currently stuck on that hamster wheel of depression/self-medication. Don’t discount your on-line friends, either. These relationships can be extremely close and valuable. How often in the real world do you meet and connect with people who are going through the same kinds of issues? I don’t have people like that in my real life. One step at a time, with all of this. You have a LOT on your plate right now. It would be easy to get overwhelmed. Just work on one thing at a time. And remember we’re here for you. 🙂 xo

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I am planning a big party for my 40th next year. I am proud of my age and I want to celebrate. It’s something I want to do for myself. I haven’t celebrated my birthday in years and it’s something I used to love doing. 🎂🎂🎂 Is there anything you loved doing before but haven’t done in a while? Think about it and hopefully you’ll find something that will bring you joy. xx

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s