Bisexual and in a relationship

There is a common misconception that bisexuals are never satisfied. It’s the idea that since we are attracted to both genders, then we are inevitably not being fully satisfied if we are in a monogamous relationship. I’ve even experienced it within my own relationship. But, if you pay attention to any bisexual, you will find that their attitudes towards committed relationships are as varied as the people; which is true for any other sexuality, as well. Commitment is a matter of choice, not a matter of genetics (Although, some sociologists have debated this at length too, but I’m not intending this post to be a peer-reviewed academic paper, but just my own thoughts and opinions). For me, although, I have been in relationships where monogamy was expected and in relationships where it was not expected, I find the most comfort in having one person to be romantic, loving, sexual, and committed. I prefer monogamy – even if my actions have not always shown that in my life. But bisexuals deal with this stereotype on a regular basis – the idea that we need to have sex with both genders.

Although, I recognize it might be true for some, I have always wanted to just be treated in a way that I am unique – understanding my own unique interaction with the world is a paramount issue for me.  I won’t lie, there are times I find my eyes drifting to different men, but I have not acted now would I. Likewise, I have found myself physically attracted to some women, and I don’t want to disrespect my relationship by engaging in anything outside of my relationship. I haven’t always been this way, I have not always been a good person. I believe I began that way in life – the idea that I wanted to find a wife, have kids, live happily ever after with a white-picket fence. Unfortunately, life happened, and on some level I have reacted to things in a childish manner. I have been involved in relationships where I have cheated, I have been in relationships where I have been cheated on. They are not good situations at all.

Ultimately, I know that I want to be in a relationship where I matter and a relationship where whomever I am with matters. I want a relationship where we can encourage each other’s strengths, help each other with our weaknesses, enhance the positive aspects of each of our personalities and allow the freedom for each other to grow on our own terms without pressure to do so. And without a doubt, I never want to be in a relationship that creates a sense of embarrassment for being ourselves. I never want to feel ashamed to be who I am and I would not want someone else to feel ashamed about who they are.

I’m offering a weird introduction to the real issue I have today; hopefully, it will make sense by the time I finish this post.

I mentioned, yesterday, that my marriage is in the maelstrom of ending. I know there are a lot of things that I take responsibility for in the hardships of the marriage, but I feel I have met all of the demands, all of the needed changes and all of the requests to prove my love to my wife. I feel like I have stepped up and beyond what is considered normal. And the one and only need I have is to be heard, to have my feelings recognized as valid. I have come to the conclusion that the past several years demonstrates that there is no way I can fully satisfy everything my wife needs. I would like to say I am exaggerating when I say that she wants me to be available to address her feelings at all times, during any situation, regardless of what I have going on. I once had a therapist tell me that I was acting like I am capable of meeting her needs 100% of the time and that it is an unrealistic expectation that one person can meet 100% of the needs of another person 100% of the time.

In my last blog, I had mentioned an argument my wife and I had about my new job. I told her that I felt I would be able to take care of us in divorce, better than if I took a minimum wage job at home (this is mathematically, accurate, but my wife didn’t want to listen to reason). At that time, she said she wanted the relationship to be over and I agreed, then she came with the attacks. She threatened to out my sexuality to everyone I know, she threatened to tell my parents, my children, my friends, anyone that I felt respected me. She wanted to hurt me and was looking for the best way to do that. My sexuality comes up, periodically, in our arguments and I am told horrible things. I have traditionally held my cool and ignored what were obvious personal attacks to manipulate the situation.

Ugh…my thinking is not organized today. I didn’t sleep well last night and I already feel like my words are coming across this post in a very unorganized manner. But I tossed and turned in bed last night worried about what might occur if I do tell her that I no longer want to be with her. I’m tortured in my mind about everything in my life falling apart. I have always valued how tightly I held my sexuality and how tightly I have kept things about my life secretive. I take a lot of comfort in only sharing certain things with people I trust. And now, there are other issues coming into my mind about my sexuality and the fallout of my potential divorce.

Today is more difficult than I thought it would be…

I’m going to end this post here, because I feel my mind going 100 miles per hour and in different directions, so I’m going to go snap it out and see if I can regain some composure. Maybe I’ll be online today and maybe I won’t; I haven’t decided.

 

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67 thoughts on “Bisexual and in a relationship”

  1. That’s a lot a stuff to process. I still don’t make any rash decisions just yet. I have a question though: would it really be that bad if it was out in the open? No more shroud, no more hiding who you truly are? I don’t know, just asking.

    Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand that completely. Isn’t it funny how different we approach doing this blog thing vs real life? There are people in my day to day life that don’t know a fraction of what I’m about, and I like it that way. Yet, here, I’m nearly an open book. It’s an odd dichotomy.

        Liked by 1 person

            1. Yeah, I kind of wished I’d kept my blog anonymous which really doesn’t work for trying to build an author platform. But then really, like 2 of my real world friends read it anyway, so what the hell? Plus then I really let my hair down in my comments with everyone else. But yeah, really weird. You guys are definitely privy to more personal stuff than I’ve shared with a lot of friends!

              Liked by 4 people

                    1. I’d tell you what they were titled…if I could remember. I fried my brain years ago and aging is not doing my memory any favors. I’d guess they were from back in June and July of last Summer. If interested, that is. 😃

                      Liked by 2 people

  2. Be true to yourself! If you are not happy, there is no way she ever will be. Don’t allow her threats to stop you from being true to yourself and finding your true happiness.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A lot of bisexuals in a relationship are happy and committed to the relationship; it’s easier for the haters to always point to the moments when a bisexual isn’t happy and committed. Stereotypes contain some truths… just not a lot of them and I don’t know what it is about people but we always seem to focus on the negatives and hype them up while dismissing any positives.

    Man, this thing with you and your wife has been a mess for a long time now, way before you wound up taking that out state job and your sexuality just added another log to a fire that’s been burning. Nothing you’ve said or done has made her any happier and, sadly, as it usually happens, she wants to hurt you as badly as she can because of the way she feels.

    Whatever happens, you can survive whatever happens next and you have to believe this.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’m stressed right now, but I know this will pass. My goal is to keep my mind and body healthy through this and not slide back into negativity. If I accomplish that, I will be happier in the long run.

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  4. Love and hugs my friend. Could you take pre-emptive action? With the people you worry about the most, like maybe your family? Tell them what’s been happening so that anything she might hurl your way will at least be seen in the light of what it is: her trying to hurt you…

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Aww, I feel for you, it’s a difficult area. Your wife sounds like she will not be happy with any solution. I’d assume even if you did whatever she asked of you she might one day decide to make good on her threats anyway. I would start planning what you would do now or later to deal with that situation and it may remove much of her power over you. Wishing you all the best…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This is so true , I absolutely hate the stereotype. A preference of both genders has nothing to do with both at the same time. I also cant stand it when people assume that once you become in a committed relationship with one sex that’s your team from now onwards. Previously when I was in a relationship with a man people assumed I had magically converted straight, but now that I am with a woman its a thing of oh now she is a dyke. Hang in the dear…we
    all here for you LGBT baby!:)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I relate to so much to you. My marriage has failed – that’s what I write about basically in my blog. The struggle to be accepted for who you are, with all the quirks and nuances is my daily battle. My sexuality hasn’t been an issue as it’s not a subject we approach since my only attempt at talking about it failed miserably 15 years ago. I have consistently complained about his slightly homophobic tone and comments since our big crisis started (I say slightly as it’s not full on and it will never come to complete prejudice or discrimination). He has noticed and I see he is not comfortable with my new attitude. He doesn’t understand why or maybe he doesn’t want to see it. It affects me and it affects our daughter who has confessed to me she is also attracted to girls, just like me. If she breaks it to your family and friends it may just be a blessing in disguise. Wish you luck! xx

    Liked by 3 people

  8. My biggest issue in being bisexual is that I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I’m not accepted as “gay” but I’m not straight. I’m neither but both all at the same time. Men are worried that I’ll leave for a woman & women are worried I’ll leave for a man.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is EXACTLY how it is. One thing I wish I would have done differently is accept myself early on in life, because then I might not have been coerced by the opinions of others. I lived my own life thinking I was messed up because I was neither gay nor straight.

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  9. dealing with such trouble, specially when it comes to sexual preference issues, always coming with difficult consideration to decision to be dealt with. especially when there is another person who actually threaten to expose something that we have been covering as far as we remember. however the result hold, if it’s already being exposed, embrace it. it might help you to actually grow, and embrace yourself, you have nothing to hide no more. and incase she is not exposing it yet, hopefully you’re actually happy with the situation that you already familiar with. either way, I actually think you will grow out of it. and hopefully, you’re happy.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Firstly I really wanna give you a hug. What a nasty situation you’ve found yourself in. I’m very sorry you had that argument- it’s really sad that your wife threw all that at you. I also really understand the problem of staying in the closet about your bisexuality. I have to do that as well- I accidentally outed myself to my cousin over Facebook so since then I’ve said nothing. She was totally fine about it, but I don’t want my parents seeing- I tried to come out to them and it was a disaster. They will not accept it.

    If she does out you, maybe only acknowledge it if someone asks you? Just say it doesn’t affect your relationship or your parenting abilities, so you never said anything. Hopefully that will control the damage. Another thing that got suggested was telling people close to you pre-emptively, but it can backfire. On the other hand, that may prevent a lot of the damage she could do. I hope that you find a way. X 14

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m glad your situation resolved itself! I’ve just checked all my notifications now and I’m thrilled with how fourteen handled the reply to you. She’s a cracker 🙂
        I hope that you never have to face a situation like that again.
        26 x

        Liked by 1 person

  11. As difficult as this situation is, at least you are talking about it! That’s inspiring and it shows great maturity. I love this post because it is sooooo honest! You seem like someone that anyone can talk to.
    Keep writing about it.
    My blogs focus is to uplift women and make them consider how the can break society’s norms and be the best versions of themselves… aladyhoodjourney.wordpress.com (please check out some of my posts)
    Your blog seems to aim at uplifting others and for them to know that they are not alone! Absolutely love it!

    Liked by 1 person

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