There is a common misconception that bisexuals are never satisfied. It’s the idea that since we are attracted to both genders, then we are inevitably not being fully satisfied if we are in a monogamous relationship. I’ve even experienced it within my own relationship. But, if you pay attention to any bisexual, you will find that their attitudes towards committed relationships are as varied as the people; which is true for any other sexuality, as well. Commitment is a matter of choice, not a matter of genetics (Although, some sociologists have debated this at length too, but I’m not intending this post to be a peer-reviewed academic paper, but just my own thoughts and opinions). For me, although, I have been in relationships where monogamy was expected and in relationships where it was not expected, I find the most comfort in having one person to be romantic, loving, sexual, and committed. I prefer monogamy – even if my actions have not always shown that in my life. But bisexuals deal with this stereotype on a regular basis – the idea that we need to have sex with both genders.
Although, I recognize it might be true for some, I have always wanted to just be treated in a way that I am unique – understanding my own unique interaction with the world is a paramount issue for me. I won’t lie, there are times I find my eyes drifting to different men, but I have not acted now would I. Likewise, I have found myself physically attracted to some women, and I don’t want to disrespect my relationship by engaging in anything outside of my relationship. I haven’t always been this way, I have not always been a good person. I believe I began that way in life – the idea that I wanted to find a wife, have kids, live happily ever after with a white-picket fence. Unfortunately, life happened, and on some level I have reacted to things in a childish manner. I have been involved in relationships where I have cheated, I have been in relationships where I have been cheated on. They are not good situations at all.
Ultimately, I know that I want to be in a relationship where I matter and a relationship where whomever I am with matters. I want a relationship where we can encourage each other’s strengths, help each other with our weaknesses, enhance the positive aspects of each of our personalities and allow the freedom for each other to grow on our own terms without pressure to do so. And without a doubt, I never want to be in a relationship that creates a sense of embarrassment for being ourselves. I never want to feel ashamed to be who I am and I would not want someone else to feel ashamed about who they are.
I’m offering a weird introduction to the real issue I have today; hopefully, it will make sense by the time I finish this post.
I mentioned, yesterday, that my marriage is in the maelstrom of ending. I know there are a lot of things that I take responsibility for in the hardships of the marriage, but I feel I have met all of the demands, all of the needed changes and all of the requests to prove my love to my wife. I feel like I have stepped up and beyond what is considered normal. And the one and only need I have is to be heard, to have my feelings recognized as valid. I have come to the conclusion that the past several years demonstrates that there is no way I can fully satisfy everything my wife needs. I would like to say I am exaggerating when I say that she wants me to be available to address her feelings at all times, during any situation, regardless of what I have going on. I once had a therapist tell me that I was acting like I am capable of meeting her needs 100% of the time and that it is an unrealistic expectation that one person can meet 100% of the needs of another person 100% of the time.
In my last blog, I had mentioned an argument my wife and I had about my new job. I told her that I felt I would be able to take care of us in divorce, better than if I took a minimum wage job at home (this is mathematically, accurate, but my wife didn’t want to listen to reason). At that time, she said she wanted the relationship to be over and I agreed, then she came with the attacks. She threatened to out my sexuality to everyone I know, she threatened to tell my parents, my children, my friends, anyone that I felt respected me. She wanted to hurt me and was looking for the best way to do that. My sexuality comes up, periodically, in our arguments and I am told horrible things. I have traditionally held my cool and ignored what were obvious personal attacks to manipulate the situation.
Ugh…my thinking is not organized today. I didn’t sleep well last night and I already feel like my words are coming across this post in a very unorganized manner. But I tossed and turned in bed last night worried about what might occur if I do tell her that I no longer want to be with her. I’m tortured in my mind about everything in my life falling apart. I have always valued how tightly I held my sexuality and how tightly I have kept things about my life secretive. I take a lot of comfort in only sharing certain things with people I trust. And now, there are other issues coming into my mind about my sexuality and the fallout of my potential divorce.
Today is more difficult than I thought it would be…
I’m going to end this post here, because I feel my mind going 100 miles per hour and in different directions, so I’m going to go snap it out and see if I can regain some composure. Maybe I’ll be online today and maybe I won’t; I haven’t decided.