A day later and the panic is gone.

Yesterday, was not one of my better days.  Although it began well, since I came to a resolution on a decision, I had a panic attack that is hard for me to explain. And I ended up admitting that I am struggling with alcohol again. I am not even sure where to begin, because I feel like I have been making strides again and I also feel like I’m in a better place than I was a year ago. But on some level, I feel like I have to explain myself, because I feel so….hmmm….unstable, I guess.

So many of you were very encouraging to me and I really appreciate it.  None of you passed judgement on me when I mentioned this, and I am thankful for that. The reality is, I had already began drinking when I made that post and it was in response to the anxiety I had over the idea of buying a dress. It’s silly, I know it’s silly, and it shouldn’t be a big deal for me to do something that I think makes me happy or content, but it was a stress I gave myself. Because I have a hang-up about my looks, about my body, about how I feel. On some level, I don’t know that I know myself anymore. I know I am a man, regardless of the feminine side I have.

Today, I woke up and had the profound thought, “What the Fuck is wrong with you? You have a responsibility towards things and you are avoiding everything like a big pussy!”  I went on to scold myself for the lack of mental strength and the lack of moral courage to deal with my responsibilities in life. I have felt sorry for myself for far too long and I think it is time for me to do something about my life and quit allowing it to happen to me, but live an intentional life.  And, for a moment, I considered deleting my blog again.

Why do I mention this, do you ask? Because I make a habit of deleting blogs, and I usually come back.  And that would define me as insane, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results would make me insane – or at least that’s the adage. Well, I know I want change in my life and I know I’m working through a lot – maybe not as much as others – but it is the reality for me. All I know is that I am in the process of improving my life and improving my outlook on my life. There will be setbacks, I suppose, and I need to find the healthy ways to deal with those.

And I can either cry about it or pull up my big girl panties, right?


21 thoughts on “A day later and the panic is gone.”

  1. So pull them up and stop deleting blogs; you obviously have a need to write about all of this and by writing, you face your “demons” instead of running from them. We all have moments we’re not proud of and we must eventually face them… the thing about writing about them here is that you’re not facing them alone because we are here to support you and help keep you strong enough to face and defeat them so you can effect a return to greatness as a person.

    Big girl panties, huh? What color? Lacy? A thong, perhaps? Whatever you need to pull up, my friend, pull them up, cinch them tight (use duct tape if you have to), and let’s get back to working the issues and being the best person you can be.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. This. So much this. Couldn’t have said it better so I won’t even try. But I will add that I totally get the feelings about appearance, confidence, anxiety, etc. I think that’s pretty common. Maybe not normal but that’s because of the pressures society thrusts upon everyday people to measure up to unattainable standards, but it’s so common that a lot of us feel this way. You want to wear a dress? Fucking go for it and rock it! How does that saying go? Those who matter won’t mind and those who mind don’t matter? Something like that. Live your authentic self (I know it’s super hard, sweetie).
    But yes please continue to try every day to work on the drinking. I could tell you some horror stories about my dad but I won’t drop that on you. Just that it could get worse if you keep going down this path and I don’t want that for you. Hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Luckily, my infatuation with alcohol has rarely extended past beer. My issue isn’t drinking to the point of blackouts, legal issues, it’s that I know I’m using it as a crutch…
      But I’m in a better place today and I’ll plan to overcome this 🙂
      Thank you for being so supportive! ❤


  3. Yes, think of how much support and thoughtful feedback you get from your friends. Talking it out and writing about it is something you seem compelled to do. It must help organize your thoughts and feelings. Writing does that for me, anyway. Plus, it gives you a way to look back at the thing you were trying to process at a certain point. Your panic yesterday was completely understandable; you made a difficult decision for your family and your career and you personally. The whole finding an apartment thing… So you found comfort in ‘shopping’ for dresses. Retail therapy anyone? 😉 And though I don’t think that was the reason you panicked, all the rest of it together probably was, but the dress thing might have been the thing you grabbed onto. I’m so glad you’re feeling better today! Don’t leave your blog, we got you!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This reminds me of what a friend of mine once struggled with. He’s a drag queen and was really struggling not being able to commit to one gender. He felt neither male or female and that can be tricky at times. The best advice I can give you is stop trying to shove yourself into compartments labeled “female” or “male”. You shouldn’t have to feel the need to justify yourself whenever you feel the urge to order a dress or have your toe nails painted, by saying your “feminine” side took over. No, a part of you took over. Don’t worry about femininity or masculinity, just be you. Be the best version of you that you can be. Not because you owe it to the world, but because you owe it to yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Doesn’t that just make you human dear? We are hardly constant creatures. The idea of the best version of you is going to change over time. This true for all of us. But in striving to become who we want to be, we are already changing for the better. From what I am reading you are already working towards a better version of yourself: one that loves himself, is healthy and is fighting for his own happiness. Can’t go much wrong with that. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Keep the blogs; these are journals, they belong to the future. Future readers will find much within of them of one person’s struggles.
    Sounds as if the storms blew up again. They do come along when you least expect them. Know it is a storm you are in and then steer the course through it. Storms do not last. I know it’s not easy, sometimes a person can feel so damn weary of the whole business, but just battle on, remember the good days and know they can come back.
    Take care

    Liked by 1 person

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