Yesterday, was not one of my better days. Although it began well, since I came to a resolution on a decision, I had a panic attack that is hard for me to explain. And I ended up admitting that I am struggling with alcohol again. I am not even sure where to begin, because I feel like I have been making strides again and I also feel like I’m in a better place than I was a year ago. But on some level, I feel like I have to explain myself, because I feel so….hmmm….unstable, I guess.
So many of you were very encouraging to me and I really appreciate it. None of you passed judgement on me when I mentioned this, and I am thankful for that. The reality is, I had already began drinking when I made that post and it was in response to the anxiety I had over the idea of buying a dress. It’s silly, I know it’s silly, and it shouldn’t be a big deal for me to do something that I think makes me happy or content, but it was a stress I gave myself. Because I have a hang-up about my looks, about my body, about how I feel. On some level, I don’t know that I know myself anymore. I know I am a man, regardless of the feminine side I have.
Today, I woke up and had the profound thought, “What the Fuck is wrong with you? You have a responsibility towards things and you are avoiding everything like a big pussy!” I went on to scold myself for the lack of mental strength and the lack of moral courage to deal with my responsibilities in life. I have felt sorry for myself for far too long and I think it is time for me to do something about my life and quit allowing it to happen to me, but live an intentional life. And, for a moment, I considered deleting my blog again.
Why do I mention this, do you ask? Because I make a habit of deleting blogs, and I usually come back. And that would define me as insane, right? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results would make me insane – or at least that’s the adage. Well, I know I want change in my life and I know I’m working through a lot – maybe not as much as others – but it is the reality for me. All I know is that I am in the process of improving my life and improving my outlook on my life. There will be setbacks, I suppose, and I need to find the healthy ways to deal with those.
And I can either cry about it or pull up my big girl panties, right?