As the Clouds Darken

Somedays, I truly feel fucked.

And I notice, lately, that my use of language has taken a vulgar turn.  I used to pride myself on being able to engage in conversation without cursing or using the “F-word”, but lately, I haven’t given a shit or a fuck about it. I’m fucking depressed, so why deny it?

And now my alarm is going off telling me to wake the hell up, but I’m already awake, because I have racing thoughts.  That’s the anxiety.

And this post is really choppy, since I don’t have a focused mind at the moment. I’m not settled, and I’m not settled for a number of reasons.

Should I get a therapist again?  Yup, I probably fucking should…but I don’t want to.  I hate going through the process of getting to another therapist.  I loved the last one I had, but she was actually an intern and her program was ending, so she was moving away.  Honestly, I feel abandoned.

But why focus on that, it just makes me upset.

I don’t even know why I get upset? I used to have such a strong, resolved, focused mind. But I can’t even stand up for my own principles anymore. But it’s difficult to stand up for them, when you don’t even know yourself anymore.

I got so suck of hearing how much I don’t care for others, that I have no ability to make decisions for fear of repercussions, but I have no idea how to do what’s right AND show I care at the same time.

Do I fear being alone? It reminds me when my grandparents caught me boning my girlfriend on their couch. I was only 21 then, but I remember my grandmother asking me later, if I felt lonely?  Um…sure, granny, that’s why I had a girl buck-nekkid and bent over your couch.  I was lonely (Fuck, maybe granny said I was “horny” and I just confused it for “lonely”).  And now I’m laughing at what disrespectful idiot I happened to be.

I’m stuck.

I made some stupid financial decisions, based on emotion and trying to please someone that doesn’t give a fuck about me and accuses me of things I don’t do, holds my mistakes over my head and berates me for “not caring”. Why do I seek approval from ANYONE, let alone someone who constantly informs me I’m hated…

I’m a fucking moron. A stuck, fucking moron.

Make the decision, you pussy!

But even if I do, will I even feel happy? Will the relief give me what I need?

What the fuck is it that I need anyways?

How can I function, with so much internal conflict? How many therapists do you need to see, before you realize you KNOW what you need?

And now, I’m going to get ready to go to a job that I can’t tell if I enjoy or if I’m tainted by the negativity that pervades my mind. The negativity that I used to reject so easily and now embrace so readily.

Why do I do this? I know I can make my own happiness? But why do I care? What does it all matter anyways?

Now you owe fucking money that you spent years paying off, only to run into the same mind frame and do it again…?

That’s fucking insanity, right? Literal fucking definition…why would now be any different than before?

I feel fucked.

Without lubrication.

Fucked

Fucked

Fucked

My mind is a mess today.

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19 thoughts on “As the Clouds Darken”

  1. I have days like that, more than I am happy to admit. I think you should find another therapist, mainly because having someone who will listen to you, even if you make no sense to yourself can’t be over-estimated. Getting it out on the page can help, but I get the feeling you’re struggling and need more help than you are getting

    Liked by 1 person

  2. The despair fogs come seeping in. We all should admit that. No one is sunny all the time. I’ve walked through shrouded moors myself, I still wince at the mistakes I made. Thing is, if you keep on walking, you eventually come out of the fogs. You may need a guide; but just keep on walking; there’s no edge to fall over just a place free of the fogs.
    f-bombs are fine when used to emphasise, just as you are doing now. It’s when folk pepper them into their conversations in the belief they are showing how tough or allegedly street-wise they are that it gets….well so very boring.
    Take care.
    Keep on keeping on

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I so wish I had words of wisdom… but I feel exactly this way sometimes and I don’t even know how to help myself. This is where my indecision about therapy really haunts me. Maybe it really would be a good idea for me. But my past experience with therapy is so pathetic that I can’t bring myself to try again… especially while I’m out of work and cannot really even afford the copay. You are not alone in this at all. I understand and I hope you (and I) can someday somehow figure out what we need to get out of it.

    Oh, and by the way, I gave up trying not to say fuck a very long time ago. I tried… I really tried… when my son was born. And then again when my daughter was born… but I couldn’t do it. Plus, I think it actually helps me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hope you are able to find some therapy through your blog, through writing and through the friendship offered here. 🙂 You are always welcome to email me too. Sometimes just being able to share crap with someone is helpful. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Hugs. I have many days like this as well and can totally relate to needing to find a new therapist but just dreading the process. The pouring out of yourself to so many of them to find one you click with and then finally starting. It’s exhausting.

    Liked by 1 person

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