That’s almost exactly how I felt, the first time I thought of myself as bisexual and accepted it. I tend to think in literal terms, and it hit me that I had been sexually attracted to men and women alike. I’ve had sexual experiences with both men and women. What’s worse???? I liked it and enjoyed it. I was shocked at myself when I first said those words to myself and it sunk in.
Sure, I have pondered the realities of whether or not I was actually bisexual, gay, or straight and experimenting. So many different times in my life, I had contemplated my sexuality and looked for some explanation to who/what I am and why I did the things I did when it came to sex and relationships. I grew up with traditional values – which, according to the “experts” are what hindered me in being who I really am.
But that day, it was itching to come out of my mouth, the words dying to escape. I kept secrets for so long, that I felt like I could no longer hold them back. I looked into my therapist’s eyes and uttered the words, “I’ve had sex with guys, before…” She replied, with an intent look on her face, “Is that what bothers you? Are you worried you’re gay…?” I shook my head and said, “No, I love sex with women. But I have enjoyed it with men too…” Her response came, “Do you not like the term ‘gay’? Or are you uncomfortable being gay?” At first, I began to get offended, like my relationships with women, like my love-making with women, didn’t matter. But I expressed, “No, what I’m saying is that I’m bisexual – I enjoy sex with men and I enjoy sex with women and I don’t know how to accept that fact in my life.”
At that moment, it was almost like life really did make sense. It seemed like everything made sense, but at the same time, it made no sense at all. I was a stud at one time, I loved women. How could I possible enjoy sex with guys? I liked the sex I had with women, a lot! But I enjoyed being with guys too. What does this mean for me? Do I have to change who I am? Do I come out and begin telling people, “Hey, guess what I do from time to time…?” Do I have to embrace this? Do I begin waving those flags around? How will people perceive me? Do I call people from my past and tell them, “Guess what? I am a fag, just like you said…” What ownership do I have over this?
The questions came and they came on with so much power, my head was spinning. I felt like I needed to end my marriage, like I should have dated guys, instead of having sex with them. Did I miss out on something that could have been greater? Was I hiding my sexuality in my marriage? No, that couldn’t be the case; I knew I enjoyed being with a woman. Did that mean I needed to deny that I had been a lover with men, before? Do I have to take on stereotypes to be taken seriously? Do I have to advocate for ‘the cause’?
What did it all mean?
At that time, I felt in crisis…