Crisis

Crisis.

That’s almost exactly how I felt, the first time I thought of myself as bisexual and accepted it. I tend to think in literal terms, and it hit me that I had been sexually attracted to men and women alike. I’ve had sexual experiences with both men and women.  What’s worse????  I liked it and enjoyed it.  I was shocked at myself when I first said those words to myself and it sunk in.

Sure, I have pondered the realities of whether or not I was actually bisexual, gay, or straight and experimenting. So many different times in my life, I had contemplated my sexuality and looked for some explanation to who/what I am and why I did the things I did when it came to sex and relationships. I grew up with traditional values – which, according to the “experts” are what hindered me in being who I really am.

But that day, it was itching to come out of my mouth, the words dying to escape. I kept secrets for so long, that I felt like I could no longer hold them back.  I looked into my therapist’s eyes and uttered the words, “I’ve had sex with guys, before…” She replied, with an intent look on her face, “Is that what bothers you? Are you worried you’re gay…?”  I shook my head and said, “No, I love sex with women. But I have enjoyed it with men too…”  Her response came, “Do you not like the term ‘gay’? Or are you uncomfortable being gay?”  At first, I began to get offended, like my relationships with women, like my love-making with women, didn’t matter.  But I expressed, “No, what I’m saying is that I’m bisexual – I enjoy sex with men and I enjoy sex with women and I don’t know how to accept that fact in my life.”

At that moment, it was almost like life really did make sense. It seemed like everything made sense, but at the same time, it made no sense at all. I was a stud at one time, I loved women. How could I possible enjoy sex with guys?  I liked the sex I had with women, a lot! But I enjoyed being with guys too.  What does this mean for me? Do I have to change who I am? Do I come out and begin telling people, “Hey, guess what I do from time to time…?” Do I have to embrace this? Do I begin waving those flags around? How will people perceive me? Do I call people from my past and tell them, “Guess what? I am a fag, just like you said…”  What ownership do I have over this?

The questions came and they came on with so much power, my head was spinning. I felt like I needed to end my marriage, like I should have dated guys, instead of having sex with them. Did I miss out on something that could have been greater? Was I hiding my sexuality in my marriage?  No, that couldn’t be the case; I knew I enjoyed being with a woman. Did that mean I needed to deny that I had been a lover with men, before?  Do I have to take on stereotypes to be taken seriously?  Do I have to advocate for ‘the cause’?

What did it all mean?

At that time, I felt in crisis…

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9 thoughts on “Crisis”

    1. Thank you for that beautiful comment. I had a therapy session once, where my therapist had me relax, close my eyes, pay attention to my breathing and listen to her tell me over and over, “You’re perfect the way you are.” I never felt so much peace. Having you say this, brought me back to that moment. Thank you! ❤

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  1. Yeah, it does tend to land on a person rather hard – it’s a major shock to one’s own sensibilities to discover that you’re more than what you’re told you should be.

    Like most who discover that they aren’t exactly straight, I had that moment of crisis over whether or not I was really gay and what was funny about having this crisis is that I had just got finished screwing the daylights out of my wife, who was taking a well-earned nap afterwards. The crisis hit me so hard that I never realized that I had, in fact, already proven that I wasn’t gay considering that while I had my, “Oh, shit!” moment, I was waiting for the wife to wake up so I could screw her again.

    Still, it took me almost two years to realize that, yes, I loved sex with men and women and that I wasn’t gay – and, please, keep in mind that the whole time I pondered this, I was screwing women left and right with unbridled glee (thanks to being in an open marriage). And, yes, when I realized this, boy, did I feel like an idiot for flat out overlooking the obvious.

    Years later, I was at a therapist’s office to undergo hypnosis so I could quit smoking and the interview included a discussion about my sexuality and the female therapist asked me if I was sure I wasn’t really homosexual and just going through the motions with women. Yes, I got offended and, um, suggested that if she really wanted to know the answer, she should lock the door and have her calls held while I show her that I wasn’t gay – she was rather sexy and hot. Yes, I apologized for the comment and she accepted by saying, “Okay, you’re bisexual and not gay! Let’s get you hypnotized, shall we?”

    I don’t know anyone who is bisexual who hasn’t had to face this moment of crisis; it’s not that this crisis happens but what one does to resolve it that matters and removing it isn’t so easy for everyone facing it while some say to themselves, “You’re bisexual – okay, I gotta get ready for work…” and life goes on as always.

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    1. My therapist explained herself and that she said it was her job to have me explore everything, and so she needed to know where my thoughts were to help me do that. And my therapist was smokin’ hot too…good gawd!

      Anyways, it is a time that has passed and I am here now…and this is the moment that matters.

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  2. A popular saying is “Labels are for cans, not for people”, which I agree with fully. To further show you how acutely aware I am of your dilemmas about all this, I can tell you that I myself went through a phase where I suspected I was bisexual. I was quite young though and oddly enough, after that phase it all went away, and I discovered I was indeed straight “again”. (Lol). I do have a close family member who is homosexual and has been all their life, throughout even childhood, meaning of course they weren’t sexual at that time, only knowing that they preferred people of the same sex romantically and sexually. I live in what is considered to be one of the most tolerant countries in the world when it comes to these matters, so honestly I have never given much thought to questions of shame / norms etc. So I just want to remind you that a lot of the wondering/thinking/worrying that you have gone through because of this, is all “fabricated” by a society that you live in. I am sure you know this already. 😊 But I just wanted to say it, for emphasis, that all societies are different and have different values. In ancient Greece and Rome, no one would have raised an eyebrow concerning men having sex with men. Same here where I live, it is a non-issue. Here, no one would have cared at all that you are bisexual. In fact many politicians here proud themselves on being modern, equal, etc etc, they even walk in our Pride Parade. And if any politicians are shown to have “anti-gay” views here, believe me, the media and/or people in social media are totally outraged! Just to say that there is nothing wrong with YOU. But some times/societies are wrong in their views. Hugs. 💙💜💛💚❤ (rainbow hearts hee hee)

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