WARNING: This contains some adult content. I won’t go into great detail, because of my age at the time and the ages of my friends. It is an important phase of my life that had me truly considering my sexuality.
Part 5: Ages 11 – 13, maybe?
In an earlier post, I began looking at the ages of pre-pubescence when I was first beginning to think and form ideas about relationships. I had discussed my first engagements in kissing, and an exploration of a more feminine side to myself. At this time, I want to mention my first sexual encounters with guys. I’m not going to focus a ton on the girls I was involved with, but suffice it to say that when I was in this age group, I felt less attractive to girls than I did towards guys. I had a few encounters with girls that included touching, kissing and exploring with hands, but I had more….hmmm….serious encounters with guys during this time frame.
I think the first time I remember doing something with another guy that I was a willing participant, was probably around the age of 11. I had a class mate that was actually a class bully and a general piece of poop (He was killed after an altercation with several police officers much later in life). His name was Jeffrey. At the time, however, I had been a “friend” of his. The first time something homoerotic came up was when he invited me over to his house, because he hand found his dad’s stash of pornographic movies. We were watching and getting excited. We talked about how each of us had an erection and didn’t do anything about it at the time, but the discussion of masturbation had come up. We both admitted that we had played with ourselves in privacy. Later, I would receive phone calls from him and he would ask me if I would jerk off and let him hear it. He said he would do the same for me. Granted, there was no way for me to know, for sure, but I did the best I could. I asked me if I would let him hear me “beat my meat” and moan for him. At the time, I didn’t think anything of it, other than I was excited . I felt funny about it, but did it anyways. Jeffrey and I never did anything else, mostly because he had some major issues with his father and both were abusive people. My parents, eventually, refused me hanging around with him. It’s a good thing, because this kid put an arrow in someone’s eye, then went on to be a violent street kid that got into some major trouble with the law and eventually died as a result.
Another friend I had, back in middle school was a kid named Ryan. I looked up to him in a lot of ways, because he was an athlete, and I really wasn’t; but he had the kind of personality that everyone seemed to like. And I enjoyed being around him. One day, I was spending the night over at his house and he and I began playing a card game. He was better at the card game than I was, but it was fun to play. This particular time, Ryan had the idea of putting wagers on our little game. The loser had to do something the winner asked, and it started out innocent enough. For example, we had to drink things like milk mixed with cola, or eat a burnt sandwich. IT began as rather silly stuff. Then Ryan turned up the heat, so to speak, and said that on the next one the loser had to show his penis. I lost and I showed Ryan my penis. On the next round, Ryan lost and showed me his. then another round I lost and Ryan requested a hand job. I gave it to him. I lost again, and gave him another hand job. Eventually, Ryan said, the loser had to put his mouth on the winner’s penis. I lost. I lost again a few times, and then Ryan lost one. He put his mouth on mine. Then it changed again. Ryan said, the loser had to let the winner put his penis in the loser’s butt. I lost. I remember taking my pants off and Ryan laying on top of me and rubbing his penis along my crack. I was enjoying it. I kind of liked the Ryan. He and I played that game a lot, and I can say that I lost a lot – maybe, even intentionally. I haven’t seen Ryan, since middle school. I moved away and never saw him again.
I had another friend in Middle School, Rich. Rich was raised by a single mom, so he was a lone a lot. He would invite classmates to spend the night a lot because his mom was a cocktail waitress and would not be home much at night. One night, Rick had invited me over to spend the night. It was a time when HBO was just barely a thing and he was one of the few in the neighborhood that had it. So, he invited me to spend the night and watch. Half way through a movie, he offered me a massage. I was reluctant, because I was nervous what it would say about me. But he pulled out some oils that he had gotten from his mom and asked me to take off my clothes. At first I layed on my stomach and he would rub the oil into my back. He rubbed my arms, my legs and eventually came to my ass. He squi=rted some oil on and then rubbed my butt and asked me if I liked it. I did, of course. Then he asked me if I wanted to roll over and he would rub my front. At this time, I had already popped an erection. As I layed back, he looked at me and smiled and said, “Well, I can see you’re enjoying this.” I was. then he rubbed the oil into my chest and then began to rub it into my ball sack and up and down the shaft of my penis.
He didn’t spend too much time there, but asked me if I would give him one too. I did, and I enjoyed rubbing his body. I spent a lot of time rubbing him down and he was enjoying watching the movie while I did it. I spent more time rubbing him than he did me, but he was enjoying it and I felt I should keep going. Eventually, I told him I was ready for his front, and he jokingly said, “I bet you are”. (I don’t know why I remember that…). He rolled over and I went straight to work. I used my hands to rub oil all over the front of him and used my hands to rub oil up and down his penis. I spent a lot of time staring at it, because it was shaped slightly different than my own. After a while, Rich was moaning and rocking his hips back and forth. I was bringing him to an orgasm and he eventually exploded all over my hand. He and I had a couple more encounters, but none like the first. I think he began to feel odd about it or something, or maybe I was coming on too strong, because I wanted to do it almost every time we were together. I even remember him saying that he needed a break from it. In away, although I liked it, I felt bad for the way I was feeling.
Another friend I had in middle school was a guy named Mike. I referred to Mike in this post here, he is the guy that I had been with a couple of times that had threated to tell people I was a “fag”. Obviously, he wasn’t that bright, because I pointed out to him that the only way to prove it was to admit that I had blown him. Well, the first time Mike and I were together, it was just playfulness. We were going to compare cock sizes. without making me sound too pathetic, he had a HUGE penis. And by HUGE, I’m saying it’s got two digits to the inches involved. I can remember the first time seeing it, that I was scared and nervous and in awe. After we compared, he was jokingly chasing me around telling me he was going to get me with it. It was kind of fun, but then I stopped and got down in front of him so I could look it in the eye, so to speak. I wanted to enjoy it and I did the best I could. Looking back on it, I can say he would not have been a good lover, I don’t think. He seemed to lack any concern for me. But he really enjoyed what I would do for him and I found myself wanting him to do more than what we had already done. He and I played together only a couple of times, but after the threat to out me, I never talked to him again.
Like all of my middle school friends, after I moved away, I never saw many of them again. I remember talking to a girl I went to school with online once. After we found out we knew each other, she said she always thought I was a little into guys. I asked her how she knew and she said that it wasn’t that obvious, but there were some guys I seemed to light up around. I’m not sure how true that was, but I took it for what it was – a compliment. I had considered this phase in my life to be experimental, at the time. Although, I had played with some girls too, during middle school, it had never gone as far as it had with these friends of mine. I knew I liked girls though, so I always tried to rationalize what was going on with me during this time. I had chalked it up to having been exploratory, having been molested by a guy, not being strong willed enough to resist temptation, etc., etc. I was trying to rationalize that same-sex attraction could be controlled and should be controlled. I couldn’t fully comprehend it at the time. Now, I feel differently about it all.