Pouting for years straight: Adult Temper Tantrums

I just had a random thought: I think I’ve been throwing an epic temper tantrum for years.

Today, when I made an entry in my Beautiful You Journal, I discussed the definition of Beautiful and what it means to me. I have been struggling with more than my body image for quite some time. And many of you have truly witnessed some of my lowest points, and have offered advice after advice – and probably have felt some disappointment in me for not seizing on some of it.  Well, this morning as I ate my rather unhealthy breakfast, it hit me that I have been punishing myself for things I have no control over. I’ve been having an epic pity party, a major temper tantrum and much like a child that throws him or herself upon the floor and flailing during an episode of holding their breath, I am doing more damage to myself than anything else.

I am an emotional eater, for example, which makes me feel like crap in the long run.  You see, I am a type 1 diabetic – which is an insulin dependent diabetic. I have this thing about eating that makes me feel inherently guilty anyways, so when I eat things that are not healthy for me, I have this instant attachment to guilt and self-hatred. It’s not a good combination. But the thing is, I have found comfort in food, beer, sex, sitting and feeling sorry for myself, etc., etc.  And today, it just hit me, “Why are you doing this, Tar {I said my real name; obviously, Tar is not it}?” And I went on to say to myself, “Tar, you know what you need to do, just do it.” But of course, I had some Hilda mixed in as well, and the conversation went something like this:

Hilda: You forgot everything you knew about weight lifting, eating right, and living a healthy lifestyle, so don’t even bother.

Tar: Don’t listen to that. You need to make changes, you only have so much time on this earth.

Hilda: That’s right,your time is limited, so don’t bother.

Tar: What are you doing? This isn’t you, it’s never been you, don’t accept it.

Hilda: You’ve become a fat-ass, you’re going to always be a fat ass. Even if you went through with the divorce, no women are going to find you attractive. And bisexual?  Please, you’re just desperate for attention, you know any guys are going to want you fit too and you can’t do it. It’s too late! Go have another beer and eat a shitty dinner tonight, you know you will.

Tar: You can do this. You can stop being unhealthy right now; get a bottled water right now. Start there! The other stuff will come in time.

Hilda: You don’t have time, remember?

Tar: don’t talk yourself out of hiking this weekend. You know you’re nervous and you know that you are self-conscious, but don’t listen to it. Everyone has to start somewhere, you need to start right here and now.

Hilda: You’ve failed so many times before, you’ll fail again.

Tar: Failure is a choice, don’t make that choice. Persist. Persevere. You can do this, you’ve done everything you’ve set your mind to.

This exchange with myself, continued for a bit, but I came to the conclusion that I keep throwing myself into a tizzy, because I am terrified of taking ownership over my changes. Today, I read an inspiring blog. I know she is dealing with her own issues, but I am in awe of her own courage and her own desire to be a better her – whomever that might be. I want to be healthy again, I want to be fit again, and I am tired of throwing this epic temper tantrum and refusing to take care of myself.

If now is not the time, then when is it?

 

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7 thoughts on “Pouting for years straight: Adult Temper Tantrums”

  1. Thanks so much for the shout-out.

    I love this post, and I really like your Beautiful one.

    One of the most useful slogans I’ve learned over time is that I have to “invest in myself”. Because no one else needs to, and the few kind souls/friends/lovers/coworkers who might do so won’t deem me worthwhile of any time, energy and effort until such a moment where I can demonstrate that I deem myself worthy of investment.

    Keep on investing in yourself, Tar. The more you do, the better you’ll be able to bitch-slap Hilda.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Once you get on a roll with healthy habits and you start to feel a little better, it will start to get easier. And you know from past experience that you will feel better! ❤ You are worth it!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I have a sister and a first cousin who have type 1 diabetes. They both struggle with the guilt and shame around their food. I actually went to a youth diabetes camp as a volunteer this summer and found that it is really common for people with T1D do feel judged for everything they eat. Hang in there. Know that you make the decisions for yourself, and you know how to take care of yourself. You can do this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi! Thanks for stopping by and commenting; I really appreciate it!

      I am feeling better today, than even on the day I made this post. It’s always great to receive encouragement. When I was younger, I used to really resent people telling me “don’t eat that…you got diabetes”. I felt like, “Duh, I’m the one who lives with it…not you.” Now, however, I think the encouragement from others about eating things I should or shouldn’t would probably be taken to heart a little more. 🙂

      Like

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