Day 12 in my Beautiful You Journal is about the reasoning behind the dissatisfaction I have with my body image and my beauty perception. The author asks questions that are directly related to the reasoning behind body image and what it’s really saying. The idea, of course, is that there is some other reason for my dissatisfaction, if I am not my body. I believe the author is writing from the standpoint that addressing one’s dissatisfaction is the sole way to curb the inner critic, such as what Hilda is to me. For me, I think the sole reasoning of my dissatisfaction as everything to do with recognizing there is a choice and feeling like I made the wrong choice.
Choice. It’s the idea that we have control over our lives, our dreams, our motivations, our outcomes. I look at myself now and I have the realization that I am not what I wanted myself to be at this point in my life (and this is almost everything and not just body image). I never thought, in a million years, that I would be unhealthy, out of shape, or fugly (that’s “fucking ugly”, for those that do not know the word). And I look at it all and the thing that really sinks to the depths of my soul, is that I know, deep down, that I had control over this and I didn’t master it. And I began looking for excuses at some point in my life, I began wanting something or someone else to be responsible. And the real dissatisfaction comes from letting myself down.
I feel responsible for my lack of self-esteem, lack of self-image, lack of beauty perception. I feel like I made the wrong choices and allowed myself to be mastered by the world around me, instead of being my own master.