Sexual and Relationship Development (SARD): Part 2 – Childhood, and a first kiss among many.

I began this series of my sexual and relationship development by discussing what is a tragic event in my life, but I don’t believe it has defined me. In this segment, I’m going to discuss childhood and some of the things that may or may not have an impact, but they are certainly things I remember.

Part 2: Grade school, age 6-12

Although a lot of this time has been forgotten and the dates and chronology of events are a bit fuzzy, there are things I remember that kind of stand out in my mind.  For example, grade school should be considered some of the most innocent times of our lives, and for the most part it was for me too.  But here is a rendition of some of the significant things I remember:

Kissing: My earliest recognition of a French kiss was when I was 7 or 8 years old. My family had some family friends with a girl that was roughly my same age. We used to go camping together every year and I really enjoyed playing with this girl.  Well, one particular camping trip, she (Melissa), my cousin (Marie) and I were playing together and I remember playing around some rocks – quite a ways away from our camping spot. My cousin noticed I liked the girl and she took it upon herself to tell the girl I liked her. And before you know it, Marie was encouraging Melissa and I to French Kiss. I remember putting my arms around her and planting my tongue straight in her mouth. Of course, Melissa seemed to enjoy it, because she did the same. No sooner did we do that, then we were both running back to camp and hiding in our respective campers. Although, she and I had seen each other on different occasions, we never actually shared another kiss. I remember one time in middle school, during camping (of course), we talked about being boyfriend and girlfriend, but we lived in different states. Unfortunately, I don’t believe I have seen her since I was about 14 or so.

I think I was 10 or 11 when I kissed another girl. Her name was Kim and she was a couple of years older. I remember all of her friends and all of my friends were down at a local park and we were all egging each other on and she pointed at me and said she wanted to make out with me. I felt like a little stud at the time, because I was being cheered on by my friends in making out with one of the girls in the neighborhood that was really hot.

Another time, when I was in about the 5th grade – 11 years old – there was a girl I went to school with named Jenny.  I thought Jenny was pretty; we were out at recess and I asked her if I could kiss her. She kicked me in the balls – and turned my dick black and blue (No worries, it works fine today and no damage). I told my parents that night what had happened and after they did their best job at being doctors and telling me it looked like everything was fine, they kept an eye on me to make sure I was okay.  Luckily, everything was okay. Obviously, Jenny was NOT the girl for me, but it also made me feel like I was an ugly turd or something. I mean, for crying out loud, I asked…I was always taught to ask before touching, so to be reacted to in this respect, made me feel like a bad person for doing that.

There was not a lot of making out with girls, like some of the people at school seemed to do on a regular basis. I always felt like I was an unpopular kid, because you always heard about how much kissing other kids were doing. And I was rarely included in social activities with a lot of other kids. No, I was a “misfit”, so-to-speak. And sometimes, this led me to think it was part of what led to my bisexuality – the idea that maybe girls weren’t attracted to me, and therefore, I should consider the other gender.

With that in mind, however, I never kissed or was kissed by boys during my gradeschool years. I know there were times I was curious about doing it, but already then I felt that there were social pressures on the idea that this would make me a “fag”. There are times, I have wondered, what would have happened to me, if a boy wanted to kiss me. Would I have said “yes”?

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46 thoughts on “Sexual and Relationship Development (SARD): Part 2 – Childhood, and a first kiss among many.”

  1. Peer pressure plays into our development at these ages, full of dares, instigators and resistors that it’s a wonder how any of us survived our childhood… and, sadly, also a reason why some didn’t.

    I did a lot of sexual stuff before I was 17 – but never kissed a guy until I was 18 and, later, I realized that the reason why it didn’t feel “right” was because I was used to kissing girls and, yep, peer pressure, as applied by others, got me kissing a lot of girls including the highly sought after French kiss.

    What would have happened to you if a boy wanted to kiss you and you said yes? You would have been kissed by a boy. Would it have changed anything? Who knows? Here’s the thing, though: If you’ve given yourself reason to be a misfit – and you most certainly did that to yourself – until you correct that perception of yourself, you’ll always feel not quite right and peer pressure/social rejection never helps in this. So not only were you already your own worst enemy, being amongst your peers didn’t make things any better inside your head.

    Can’t wait to read the next thing…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Well, in reality, that “misfit” label did a lot to develop my intellect. I was a “nerd”, a “geek” and yet the people I felt good impressing – parents, teachers, and my own insatiable desire for knowledge put me into that category for that reason. The drawback at that time – nerds were not cool or popular. 🙂
      I’m okay with it, it’s just another part of what made me who/what I am.
      The next part, I am going to talk about some of the crossdressing I did when I was younger. It’ll be short, because I didn’t do it a lot, but I think it’s relevant.

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      1. I’ve always been a nerd and a geek – and I have the degrees to prove it – so, yeah, it wasn’t cool or popular at all. Ah, but what made me both cool and popular? I had no qualms about eating pussy or sucking dick… And that first thing made me VERY popular.

        Liked by 1 person

      1. The first boy I kissed went zero to sixty in one ‘session’ so things went too far too fast. It scared me and after that I worried that I wasn’t going to enjoy sex. Because he hadn’t turned me on at all… TMI, lol!

        Liked by 1 person

        1. It’s not TMI…it’s actually kind of relevant to my post. The first boy I kissed, I was ready to go zero to sixty…
          …and it scared the hell outta me, so I ran away. And I was almost 30 years old…lol

          Liked by 1 person

            1. They usually are, Meg. What messes us up is that we hold onto whatever fears were invoked at that first time and they follow us for the rest of our days unless we become smarter and realize that, okay, I freaked out that first time (and whenever it happened) but that was then, this is now, so what excuse do I have for being afraid of something that happened long ago?

              The answer is there is no excuse… but people find ways to keep being afraid, to let one bad experience ruin the rest of their existence. What we do is we look back at that first thing – as an adult – and try to make sense of a situation that, when it originally happened, you didn’t know then what you know now but then convince yourself that, say, kissing that boy and things going from zero to sixty didn’t turn you on but, um, if it scared you and you hauled ass, it was because you were turned on but knew things were going somewhere they weren’t supposed to go. The adult you are would understand this – the child you were wouldn’t.

              I’m thinking that you eventually realized that being scared of that moment didn’t put a damper on your ability to enjoy sex – but many people can’t get past that moment of fear and allow it to ruin sex for them for the rest of their lives…

              Liked by 2 people

              1. That is spot on. Letting go of that association and the guilt (because that’s really what I was feeling… Too young, what if I get pregnant, I’ll disappoint my parents…) was key to enjoying sex and achieving orgasm.

                Liked by 1 person

                1. Exactly. Once you realize what you were afraid of at the time, you understand that the fears were real… at that exact moment. Being justifiably afraid then, in that moment, never means you have to keep being afraid 15, 20, 30 years later.

                  The adult says, “I was stupid back then – I could’ve gotten pregnant, my parents could’ve found out, big time trouble!” – but most people wouldn’t catch on that none of this actually happened so they let the fear of the moment stay with them and without understanding that by doing so, they’ve pretty much wrecked their ability to enjoy sex with anyone… for the rest of their lives.

                  Liked by 1 person

                    1. It actually isn’t all that complicated IF one can set dogma aside and look for the reality of it all. We’re told sex is like this, supposed to be like that, can only be done under certain conditions, etc., and we believe it until actual experiences tells us otherwise.

                      Like bisexuality. We think it’s not possible and shouldn’t be explored because of what we’ve been told about sex – and it’s a lie of convenience and one designed to make sure Meg meets a guy, falls in love, and has many babies. So if Meg were to discover that she also likes girls (not saying you do or would), now Meg is confused because what she thinks she knows doesn’t match the reality of the situation. Hell, in this situation, we won’t even believe what our bodies are telling us, that we’re sexually stimulated and excited because our minds refuse to let go of the lie that we’re not supposed to ever be excited by such a heinous thing.

                      Here’s a test: If I asked you if you’d ever make love with another woman and you say you wouldn’t, why wouldn’t you – then really think about that and I’m sure you’d discover that you wouldn’t because you were told not to. You could say, “Because I don’t believe in that!” – but why don’t you?

                      You’d then see why sex and sexuality seems to be confusing. I’ve been telling people in this to forget what you think you know and find the reality where it lives.

                      Liked by 2 people

                    2. Ah, ok. I don’t disagree with any of that … I believe WE complicate things. And yes it’s because of traditional belief systems etc. Perhaps we have different degrees of attraction for the same or opposite sex?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    3. Of course we differ in that – life would be boring if we weren’t so diverse in that which attracts us. The thing that messes with people isn’t what we find attractive – it’s what we’re told shouldn’t be attractive, like, I shouldn’t find our friend Tarnished attractive and sexually inviting – but the reality is that I could.

                      Liked by 2 people

                    4. That’s what I was saying the other day (on a different post) about attractiveness shifting to where we are in life, too. I have a different set of qualities that I find attractive from what I had years ago. And our friend is attractive to me based on my current criteria.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    5. Now, ponder this: Could that criteria ever change? People wind up with “issues” because once they make up their minds that something is the way it is, they never change anything – then wind up surprised, confused, or otherwise feeling some kind of way about themselves, when reality slaps them upside the head really hard.

                      We rely on others to determine whether we are attractive, don’t we, just as we let the perceptions of others define what attraction means, which always an interesting topic of discussion.

                      One of the things that Tarnished (and so many others) struggles with is he’s not supposed to be attracted to men and women – but he obviously is; that’s seen as being wrong but to him, it doesn’t feel wrong… and what he feels is correct but contrary to our morals. Thus, he believes there’s something wrong with him and I’ve been with him all this time to tell him that there isn’t anything wrong with him because, duh, there’s nothing wrong with me.

                      Liked by 2 people

                    6. You don’t have to convince me! My criteria has changed, adapted, expanded already. I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with TS, or you either, for that matter! You didn’t think I did, did you?

                      Liked by 1 person

                    7. No, I didn’t – just kinda used you as an example. I volunteered to help him as much as I can through these difficulties and to convince him that despite the things he’s experienced, he’s not all that different from a lot of other people who know that they’re okay despite what others tell them.

                      Liked by 1 person

                    8. Perhaps or, really really and highly intelligent, curious, and determined to find answers to explain what I was told and why what I was told wasn’t exactly the truth.

                      Liked by 1 person

  2. Moving into the teens can be a very conflicting and confusing time; those hormones eh?
    It’s always at one difficult and fascinating to wonder about those almost might-have beens. Conjecturing on them can be fun at times (playing out an alternative life). The danger is when someone agonises over them and yearns for them to have happened. In practical terms they didn’t and one cannot go beyond that. But having speculative little day-dreams about what might have been…well where’s the harm in that- we are all prone.
    Anyway: Continue with your journey, you are being brave and honest and from reading the replies, you have some good folk out there to help you along.
    Take care
    Roger

    Liked by 1 person

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