Earlier today, I wrote about reintroducing a section on my blog dedicated to my experiences with sex and relationships. There seems to be some interest in it and I had mentioned that in my previous blog, it was instrumental in helping me sort out some of my conflicting feelings and emotions related to my sexuality. So, I have decided to go ahead and do it again.
So, I am not sure how I will write this out – if it will be chronological or simply memorable moments that were fundamental to my understanding of sexuality and relationships. I’ll probably try and be as chronological as possible, but I will have places that I skip around a little bit too.
A few caveats:
- There will be discussions of sex and some inappropriate language might be used at times.
- Names will be altered to protect the not-so-innocent.
- Some of this will be from sheer memory and from many years ago, so there could be some discrepancies between my memory and actual events.
Part 1: Age 3 or 4? My unfortunate introduction to sex
Unfortunately, my first real experience with anything sexual occurred at the hands of a babysitter – a male one at that. My mom and her sister were both single moms at the time and would occasionally use babysitters for both my cousin and I. I’m not going to go into any detail, because the entire concept of sexual abuse of children is appalling. I’ve dealt with a lot of this with therapists and I have come to accept that it had little to do with me and more about the vile person the baby sitter was (Granted, it seems so logical that it’s not mine or my cousin’s fault, but sexual stuff does things to our thinking…it just does).
But I mention it for one reason and one reason only. It gave me a connection to the male penis that confused me for years. I couldn’t understand if I liked the male anatomy or if I was impacted by the negative consequences of sexual abuse. It was something that bothered me when I was an adolescent and when I was a teen. First of all, I assumed every penis should be big (I might have disappointed a few guys…now that I think about it), and that it was not something I should want unless it’s big (On second thought, I really do like them a little bigger…j/k). Secondly, it did something else to me, I was under the impression that I couldn’t enjoy sex with guys, because it meant that it was always going to make me feel bad about it. This was not the case, thankfully, but it confused me for a while.
I spent many years assuming that my sexual attraction to guys was purely a result of me being molested. I knew I liked girls, as I grew up. That was really fucking obvious (Popping hard-ons in high school ALWAYS makes you feel like the girls noticed it). And because I had been taught that sex was only to occur between a man and a woman, I didn’t understand why I found myself attracted to some guys. I convinced myself that I was reacting to being a sexual abuse victim. That HAD to be the explanation.
Coming to a therapist much later in life, gave me the opportunity to explore some of these things and what they meant to me. Eventually, I came to realize that I had two involvements with guys: One that felt natural and one that didn’t. Interestingly enough, when I was pressured into a sexual interaction with a guy, that’s when I felt the worst about it. But there were some interactions that felt good, I didn’t feel disgusted with myself and I didn’t feel like I was pushed into it (even if some of the interactions took some convincing). I began to realize that some of the situations amounted to being revictimized, because they were not something I really wanted. But the other situations, the ones I didn’t feel like I hated myself afterwards were more…hmmm…joyful experiences, if you will. I was also able to come to the realization that I didn’t have to be attracted to every single guy to still know that I have enjoyed sex with some guys and not with others. It was something that I had already felt completely comfortable with when it came to women – of course, during adolescence it always seemed riddled with nerves, regardless of the gender of the other person.
I wanted to begin with my first recollection of a sexual interaction, but it had some lasting impacts on me. I will discuss some of my other situations about what I have learned about relationships, my sexual experiences (not all, but as much as I can remember). But this gives a background that I don’t often share, of course it was mentioned on my previous blog, as well.
As always, please feel free to comment.