Depression is Some BULLSH^T!

…and Hilda needs her ass kicked!

Several hours ago, I posted about being hit with a major depressive attack. It was bad, and it pisses me off, because I know that I have come a long way since having considered suicide before.  But today…er, yesterday (fuckin’ insomnia), I felt myself sinking to the depths I had experienced before and even worse. I knew at the moment I hated life like there was no tomorrow.  Thankfully, there were a couple of people willing to give me some encouragement. I don’t think I would have made any overt steps towards anything stupid…

…and yes, I’m using an insensitive word for people considering suicide. It’s fucking stupid, and I say that comfortably, because “stupid” – pretty much by definition, means your damn mind doesn’t work right.  So, in those moments, it’s stupid, because we all damn well know, if we thought straight, the idea wouldn’t enter our head.

Of course, now I’m pissed. I’m pissed because I was on hold on one of those talk lines for people that are depressed. Fuckers! Maybe this would have been my moment!  Maybe this would have been the time I needed to talk to someone, but you made me wait…

….hold on…

Was that their fucking plan? Make people wait to talk, then they are waiting to do anything stupid?  Actually, nevermind, that’s fucking brilliant!

But I’m pissed for other reasons. It’s usually a result of coming out of a depressed mood. It’s somewhat of a survival tactic, I think. I get pissed and I want to fight. This time I wanted to fight for my life and for happiness. I’m having a shitty time right now and the one person that I should be able to rely on is bailing in a major way.

So, fuck her!  And She can take her toxicity with her. All I ever did was try to make her happy and did everything I possibly could to fight to take care of us. And now she no longer wants to fight with me…so, fuck her.

And maybe I’m not into guys after all, because I noticed some tail tonight and I haven’t been perked by that in a long time!  Eh, what the hell do I know…

…I’m still dealing with a stupid mind.

And it’s some BULLSHIT!

(Thanks for letting me rant, I needed to get some stuff off my chest).


9 thoughts on “Depression is Some BULLSH^T!”

  1. We all have the need to rant sometimes. I think that is healthy. I am quite bored by blogs and websites where the owner’s life is always rainbows and unicorns… 😉 that is so far from my own reality I guess. Hope the rant did you good. Hugs! 💙

    Liked by 2 people

  2. 1. I’m glad you pulled yourself out
    2. I’d write a strongly worded letter to that hotline
    3. The only one you can depend on is yourself, hon.

    I don’t know the situation with “her” but I do know that you’re not working out for one reason or another…You’re being tested to limits that no humans should really have to be tested, but, because some of us just have a shitty hand, the universe seems to be trying to take your lemon-squeezer away. Hold tighter, my friend…You’ll eventually squeeze out all that lemon juice and sugar will start pouring in. Keep writing — it seems to be cathartic for you. xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Actually, I think I’m going to go back to exercising. I do find writing to be a good way for me to let it all out, but I really, really, really miss living a healthy lifestyle and I feel like I’m allowing everything to interfere with what I know is right. But thank you, I appreciate the encouragement…as needy as I sound, I really appreciate it. 🙂


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