Okay, so I don’t have the book in front of me at the moment, but I want to climb into some positivity at the moment. Yesterday was a rough day, and honestly, I don’t know why…it’s not like I haven’t dealt with tough stuff before, because I have. For crying out loud, I’m an ex-cop and hold a 5th degree blackbelt in a martial art, I should be considered one bad ass bitch (Can I say that, although, I have a penis?)! Anyways, back to the point, I need to focus on some things in life and as I pull away from the depressive attack (I call it that, because that’s what it was…I’m refusing to live there, I hate it!), and the best thing I can think of is to continue the Beautiful You Journal that I began working on. Honestly, I find myself really enjoying what’s being said and what to focus on.
So, today’s journal entry was to be focused on a positive memory. Specifically, the author suggested recalling your first positive memory and discuss the feelings involved. She also suggested talking about the people that witnessed that first positive memory and focus on how encouraging they were in that moment.
Look, the truth of the matter is that I’m an eternal optimist. I’ve had crappy times in life, and I hate those crappy times, but I have managed to climb out of the muck. Being positive is something I pride myself on. But, taking a slight step back, I completely realize that a lot of my positivity is forced, because I know that sometimes you have to “fake it to make it”. Maybe another way to put it is to say that “I might not be able to think my way into better acting, but maybe I can act my way into better thinking”. So, with that being said, I’m not sure there is anyone one moment that stands out as the “first” positive memory I have. I think my mom was awesome to me (although, later in life, I found out she had been an addict for most my childhood, but there is little I remember about her treating me bad…I always felt loved by her), my dad was a good role model. I had great memories with most of my family (Although, it is as dysfunctional as any other, but most of these things didn’t come to fruition until my parents’ divorce). So, I had a lot of positive memories growing up. Of course, there are a few that stand out in my mind:
- When I graduated kindergarten, I found myself wanting to be a mountain climber. This was when I first realized I loved the mountains and hiking. This is something I yearn to do on a regular basis, and yet I don’t get to do it that often.
- I enjoyed the friendship with a cousin of mine growing up. She and I played together so much, we probably made each other sick of each other too. Sometimes I miss those days as a kid.
- High School. I hated high school in the beginning, but by the time I graduated, I felt good about myself. This was a time of growing up and trying to figure oneself out, but it was a good time overall. I had begun to figure out the things I loved – science, math, environment, hiking, martial arts, engineering, etc.
- Receiving my blackbelt. I busted my butt off for 5 years, working out, fighting, competing, teaching, etc. I loved doing martial arts, because it gave me a sense of confidence that I never felt before. It also became the primary reason I wanted to be in shape and be healthy.
- Becoming a police officer. I remember when I dropped out of college to become a police officer. I felt so idealistic and felt I would make a difference in the lives of others.
- Finishing my undergraduate degree. This was a huge accomplishment for me. I was the only one of my brothers and sisters to have finished this. Although it came as a bitter sweet victory, because a number of tragedies were occurring at this time – namely the suicide of my brother bringing me back home to finish school.
- Telling a therapist I’m bisexual and not feeling guilty about it. Having my therapist tell me that there is nothing wrong with me because of my experiences in life. This was a major thing for me. Granted, I’m not “out” in any major way, but knowing that I could just be open and vulnerable was a big victory for me.
- There are others that I don’t like to discuss online, but I am very happy and proud about a few other things, as well.
I can say that there were many positive memories for me. To single just one out, doesn’t seem to do it any justice. I think for me, when I truly look at things, I have tried making others happy in my life. I quit focusing on my needs and my desires and began to live life for others. Looking at these things makes me think I need to take a stand for myself on some level. And honestly, I enjoy making others happy; but at the same time, I don’t want it to be in a way that ruins me.
Anyways, today I am focused on working towards a positive, beautiful, healthy (mentally & physically), and happy person. I accept that there will be set-backs, and I accept that I am only human, but I cannot accept giving up.