It hit.

I’m in the midst of a depressive episode right now. I think it’s the worst I have ever felt. I’m sitting in a restaurant all alone and I’m feeling like my life is shit. I hate that I lost my ability to make the best of any situation long ago. I fucking lost my ability to deal with my stress on my terms. I’m terrified of my future. I’m hurting, despite the fact that I am trying to be positive.

As I write these words – a desperate attempt to relieve the stress – I am feeling the self-hatred set in. I have been reading a book, but the advice escapes me at the moment. I feel my vision closing in, the circle of sight getting smaller, being swallowed by the cloud entering my mind. Soon everything will be bleak, dark, miserable. I feel it come over me like anot icy cold front covering everything around me with ice. I’m aware of the happiness I should feel, and yet all of the paths in front of me are surrounded with the foreboding of my own mind.

I descend into the pit of helplessness. I can’t find anything that I can grab to pull myself out. I’m aware of the murky darkness of the hole, the slimy walls that prevent my climbing. I sink, caught in the quagmire of my shitty outlook on my life.

I want nothing more than for someone to hold me, rocking me and comforting me. I’m dying for someone to assure me it’ll be alright. I’m desperately seeking someone to help me handle my pains. What I wouldn’t give for one evening of total attention, reassuring me that I can do it.

I’m not strong, like I set out to be. I have found my match in life and it is sacking the life out of me. I can’t see how positivity will win. I can’t see how to override the blackhole my emotions are sucked into. I am hating everything about myself at this very moment, my pain is so extreme, I am numb and can’t even excrete a tear.

What the fuck is happening??? Why can’t I fall back on the new changes I’m trying to implement? Why the fuck can’t I feel happy anymore?

I think I really need to fucking die…

I want this to go away…

I need someway to see good…

I need to feel good…

But I’m fucking hurting.

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42 thoughts on “It hit.”

  1. Grab my hand. Hold on tight. I’m strong and I’ve got you. My hands are warm and I’ve got two good shoulders to cry on. You want to be quiet and rock, that’s fine with me. You want talk, cry … that’s ok, too.

    Liked by 4 people

  2. You did a wonderful thing just reaching out here for help… WP can be A wealth of support sometimes… But I agree about seeking help. Nothing to be ashamed of

    I know it hurts like hell, but I promise you you’ll get through it… And the sun will shine again. Until then, you’re in my thoughts and prayers

    Liked by 2 people

  3. You might not see it right now – in this dark pit of despair – but you WILL get through this. These feelings you are having, WILL pass. Meanwhile, know that there are people around you that care. Writing is the best therapy, so well done for pouring out your heart today. I hope it helps you as much as it helped me the other day – when I very much felt like dying too.

    As Cinn said above, it hurts like hell, but reaching out for help will only lighten this feeling of being pushed into the ground.

    If you need to offload at any point, feel free to email (my email is on my contact page)

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Amanda. I really appreciate the encouragement. I’m dealing with some pretty major life changes all at once – ya know, because I have to do everything with a huge production. 🙂
      I am feeling better than a few hours ago, thanks to a couple of people, but I know it is still lingering for sure.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, and it will. It always lingers. I’m so glad to hear that you are feeling a little bit better. Baby steps, remember. But please take comfort in the fact that you aren’t alone. We are here, if you need us. I hope you feel more on top of things soon. Life can be such a struggle sometimes, especially when things pile on top of us or trip us up unexpected. *HUGS*

        Liked by 3 people

              1. Oh, no. Not at all. I just didn’t want you to wonder why I hadn’t responded straight away. Early mornings are busy, but once the kids are at school, that’s when I usually sit down with my laptop (and a cup of tea) 🙂

                Liked by 2 people

    1. 🙂 I suppose I’m lucky, because there are so many of you offering to be a sounding board. I really appreciate it, for sure. Thankfully, I am feeling a little better than I felt a few hours ago. But I’ll certainly keep you in mind as to someone I can speak with. 🙂 thank you! ❤

      Liked by 2 people

  4. T, if you need to talk – I’m here. Have you followed up on getting some professional help with this struggle as some suggested earlier in the comments? It is too important not too. You MATTER❤️

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Then keep holding our hands until you’re stability returns. T, none of us knows what the long run will bring – lets get you through today! With the knowledge that you are special, unique, respected and most of all LOVED. Tomorrow can keep its bullshit until we get there. Ok?

        Liked by 1 person

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