It’s been a while since I made an entry in my Beautiful You Journal, but I am interested in changing my mental perspective and have a more positive outlook in life. I go in spurts, and I realize that, so I’m not exactly maintaining this on a daily basis. But here is this entry.
Today’s topic is focused on trying to understand the real reason some of the negative thoughts that occur. There are three very relevant questions the author poses as she has you try and understand the meaning behind your negative thoughts:
- What is it you say about yourself?
- Why do you say it?
- What are your emotions when you say it?
I’ll be honest, when I think about Hilda’s Epic Rants, it is tough to decipher each individual thing she says. I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that once she gets started, she snowballs into destruction. But I do believe there are some major things she does say that I need to address. Here are a few of the things Hilda has said to me, and I’ll answer the above questions:
(A side note: Normally, in my writing, I would put this sub-section title in bold, but I really don’t want to highlight the negativity anymore)
Honestly, this is simply because I compare myself to when I was extremely healthy and I was a hot bitch, if I do say so myself! It’s frustrating to me to know how far away from my former self that I have fallen. And yes, I see it as fallen, because I feel like I let myself go and it feels overwhelming to get back into shape. I know how much work it took to maintain what I had before and I feel like there are so many other things that get in the way. I feel like I have forgotten how to live a healthy lifestyle. I wonder if it’s too late for me to do anything about it. And ultimately, I feel like I had to make decisions in life that were important and I quit taking care of myself. This bothers me so incredibly much. It’s a daily observation I have and it’s one I truly need to work on.
Again, there was a time when I didn’t feel ugly, but there have been times in my life when I did. I’m not sure where it comes from really – probably in my adolescent years when I became aware of girls (and boys, although I hadn’t accepted my sexuality). I was not the most popular kid in school and I was not the boy girls fell all over themselves to be with. It had played into my sexuality, as well, because it was something I thought was intrinsic – maybe girls didn’t like me BECAUSE they knew I was gay. These were things that I was struggling with at the time. I avoided how I felt, in sexual ways, because it was wrong to be anything but heterosexual and I felt that my sexual interests were purely exploration and that we made the decision who we liked or disliked. And I just knew that I liked girls, but none of the girls seemed to like me. I remember being made fun of because I had a big ass too (I got a big ol’ butt, oh yeah…I got a big ol’ butt). An ass that was round. I even remember people telling me I had a “n—-r woman’s butt” (I apologize to my friends that are black. This was not a word that my parent’s allowed in our home, but there were still people in the world that were horrible). I can remember in high school being interested in a girl that lived up the street from me and had expressed to one of my friend’s “He’s got a nice ass and body, but he’s ugly”. For some reason that shit sticks to you. There were other girls that had similar things, so it became a thing for me – my ass was great, my face wasn’t. Although there were some girls that found me attractive, I remember the ones that were appalled by me so much more. And if I were honest, I’d have to admit that I would date girls based on their looks – not the ones that I, or anyone, thought were hot, but the ones no one else liked. I assumed we would all be a good match, since none of us were getting any action.
I never felt like any of the guys I had been with were attracted to me either, I mean when I was with them it was only for sex. I don’t think I ever had guys comment on my looks, other than to say how much they wanted me for this, that, or the other. I sometimes even wondered if the only reason I was with guys is because I felt like girls didn’t want me at all.
Even the times I experimented with cross-dressing were less than perfect. I already knew I felt “girlie” compared to other boys. I had a cousin that she and I would play dress-up and I always played in girl’s clothes. There was something oddly comforting about it. Later in life, I had a girlfriend that would occasionally dress me in her clothes and put make-up on me. Again, there was something comforting about some of it. I tried one other time since breaking up with that girlfriend. Occasionally I’ll think about doing it again, but I can tell you as I got older the less “girlie” I got. Truthfully – and I’ve mentioned this in posts before – I’m just way too masculine looking to ever pull off “pretty”. So, even in trying to determine a comfort in my sexuality, I struggled with the idea of looking different, since I couldn’t attract anyone the way I already looked. I felt like I had to change myself to be accepted in some way and yet the ways I wanted to change myself were not going to be widely accepted either. Needless to say, I don’t wear women’s clothing, because it simply doesn’t make sense compared to the way I look (Am I being negative here?).
So, it was all so confusing to me. I had struggled with my self-image longer than I think, honestly.
“You’re a fag”
I don’t know why Hilda says this to me. It’s something I know is inherently false, because I have enjoyed sex with women, far more often than I have with men. It’s true, I’m not straight, but I was never a “fag” either. I think it has to do with social stigmas and the time frame you grow-up. when I was growing up, no one mentioned bisexuality – “you either sucked dick or you did not suck dick”. There was very little discussion of sexuality when I was a kid – school, home, or elsewhere. You were either straight or gay and if you were gay, you were shunned. I suppose this negativity was brought on by a friend of mine that I had experimented. Obviously, we were young and he and I played together and I was more than happy to do some of the things he asked. When we finished, however, he acted like he hated it and began telling me he was going to mention to everyone at school that I was a “fag”. Obviously, being the much more intelligent person (And trust me, it did not take much), I mentioned to him that it would be his word against mine and if I were to admit I was a “fag”, I’d have to explain to everyone how he knew I was a “fag”. Luckily, he was able to see that he would have outed himself too. But it stuck with me. And each and every time I felt like being with a guy or something, the thought that I’m gay or a “fag” was in my mind. This can easily become a topic all on its own, because there is so much involved in the acceptance of sexualities other than heterosexual that books have literally been written on the subject. But I can tell you, every single time I think about my sexuality, Hilda comes right out with this bullshit.
Obviously, there are other negative things that can be addressed here. There are things directly related to relationships, my jobs, my intelligence, my morals, etc., etc. But I wanted to highlight a few for now. Of course, I began my Appreciation Jar to counteract some of these negative thoughts, but maybe this author is onto something by having readers explore the reasons behind the negativity. Maybe it’s time to confront these head on…